Full House Season Nine
by IlluminatiGirl
Summary: Full House should not have stopped at eight seasons. This is my Season Nine. What shenanigans will the Tanner clan get into this time? Read and find out!
1. Ep 1- Big Goodbyes

**A/N: Hey, people. Welcome to Full House, Season Nine. I apologize for the weird format, I use Celtx to write these. I made it a script because I wanted it to be similar to the actual episodes. I'll try to post new episodes every Friday from now on. These first few might not be very good, but I promise I'll get better. Please read and review, and don't be afraid to criticize. =)**

 **P.S. (Obviously, I don't own anything.)**

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode One**

 **Big Goodbyes**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **D.J. comes into the house and flops onto the couch.**

 **D.J.**

Oh, I'm so nervous!

 **JESSE**

You've got nothing to be worried about, Deej.  
It's just college.

 **D.J.**

Just college. Just college!  
That's what everyone keeps telling  
me! That's why I'm so nervous!  
You don't remember what it was like in  
college.

 **JESSE**

 **(confused)** Deej, I never went to college.

 **D.J.**

Well, that's why you don't get it!

 **Danny walks in from the kitchen.**

 **DANNY**

What's going on, Jesse?

 **JESSE**

She's just nervous about college.

 **DANNY**

Ah, I remember my first day.

 **Danny sits on the couch.**

 **D.J.**

Dad, you already told me this story  
three times.

 **DANNY**

Yeah, well, I can't stress it enough.  
Never wear a tuxedo on your first day.

 **Jesse snickers.**

 **JESSE**

Tuxedo...Sometimes I'm glad I never went.

 **D.J.**

You know, maybe I should just drop out, too.

 **DANNY**

D.J., we already had this conversation.

 **D.J.**

Yeah, and I can't stress it enough.

 **Michelle runs in wearing pants, a ballet skirt, and a dress.**

 **DANNY**

Michelle, what are you wearing?

 **MICHELLE**

I don't know! I'm trying to find the  
perfect outfit to wear on my first day of  
fourth grade.

 **Jesse stares at Michelle.**

 **JESSE**

Well, that's not it.

 **Stephanie runs in after Michelle.**

 **STEPH**

Michelle, you can't wear my ballet skirt  
to school!

 **MICHELLE**

It's too small for you. You said I can have  
it someday.

 **STEPH**

Key word being someday. Hand it over.

 **Becky comes down the stairs.**

 **BECKY**

Jess, have you seen Nicky and Alex?

 **JESSE**

No, why?

 **Becky sighs.**

 **BECKY**

I'm trying to give them a bath, but they  
keep running away. I've tried everything! I  
even offered to use less soap.

 **JESSE**

They're probably nervous about kindergarten.

 **BECKY**

Unlikely. I don't think they even know what  
Kindergarten is.

 **Jesse and Becky go into the kitchen to find the twins.**

 **STEPH**

Give it, Michelle. I never let you wear it.

 **D.J.**

I guess now you know how it feels to have  
your little sister always taking your stuff without  
permission.

 **STEPH**

Oh, by the way, dad, have you decided if  
we get our own rooms yet?

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

I'm still thinking about it.

 **D.J.**

I can't believe this. I'm not even gone yet,  
and you guys are already talking about who's  
getting my room. This is so depressing.

 **STEPH**

What's so depressing about getting our own rooms?

 **DANNY**

I didn't even say that anyone's getting D.J.'s room.

 **STEPH**

But why not? I mean, it makes perfect sense!  
And anyway, I'm in the eight grade. I need more  
privacy.

 **MICHELLE**

Technically, you're not in the eighth grade until  
eight-forty tomorrow morning.

 **Stephanie gives Michelle a look.**

 **DANNY**

The more you beg, the less chance you have.

 **Nicky and Alex run in naked.**

 **NICKY**

Can't catch us!

 **Jesse and Becky run in after them.**

 **JESSE**

Guys? Remember the deal we made? No  
soap! Guys!

 **Jesse, Becky, Nicky, and Alex run into the kitchen.**

 **D.J. gets up from the couch.**

 **D.J.**

Well, I better go finish packing while  
I still own my room.

 **D.J. goes upstairs, Michelle follows.**

 **MICHELLE**

 **(mumbling)** Skirt or dress? Skirt or dress?

 **Stephanie follows them.**

 **STEPH**

The dress! The dress! The skirt is mine!

 ** _NEXT MORNING- IN THE LIVING ROOM_**

 **D.J. tries to sneak out with her suitcase.**

 **Danny comes in and catches her.**

 **DANNY**

D.J.! Hold on a second!

 **Danny runs over to the door.**

 **D.J. groans.**

 **D.J.**

Oh, I was hoping to avoid this.

 **DANNY**

Aww, give me a hug!

 **Danny hugs D.J.**

 **DANNY**

Hey, everybody! Come say goodbye!

 **Jesse, Joey, Becky, Stephanie, Michelle, Nicky, and Alex run into the living room.**

 **They all hug D.J. and say goodbye.**

 **D.J.**

Oh, this is too depressing.

 **JESSE**

D.J., you're almost nineteen years old.  
You're crying over going to college!

 **D.J.**

Uncle Jesse, I'm leaving my family!

 **JESSE**

Yeah, well, that's doesn't mean you need  
to get all teary- Why do you have to go?!

 **D.J.**

Bye, Uncle Jesse.

 **D.J. turns to leave.**

 **DANNY**

Wait!

 **Danny hugs D.J. again.**

 **DANNY**

Oh, I'm going to miss you so much!

 **D.J.**

I'll visit on every holiday, and maybe even a  
few weekends.

 **DANNY**

A few?! I thought you'd come home every  
weekend!

 **D.J. gives him a look.**

 **D.J.**

Dad, my car would burn out before Christmas.

 **DANNY**

I'll buy you a new one!

 **D.J. rolls her eyes.**

 **D.J.**

Look, dad, not that I wouldn't love  
a new car every month, but I really have  
to get going.

 **DANNY**

Wait! Are you sure you don't want me  
to go with you?

 **D.J.**

You said the same thing to Steph when  
she started kindergarten! I'll be fine.

 **D.J. turns to leave.**

 **D.J.**

Are you sure I can't drop out?

 **JESSE**

D.J., go. Have fun. Drive safely.

 **DANNY**

Very safely. Don't even think about going  
past thirty.

 **D.J.**

I'm taking the freeway.

 **DANNY**

Okay, thirty-five.

 **D.J. sighs.**

 **D.J.**

Bye, dad.

 **DANNY**

Wait!

 **Danny hugs D.J. again.**

 **DANNY**

Listen, don't date any boys.

 **D.J.**

Boys?! They're practically men!

 **DANNY**

Well, don't date any 'men' over twelve.

 **D.J.**

Dad!

 **DANNY**

Oh, fine. None over twenty. And make sure  
their shirts are tucked in.

 **D.J.**

(confused) Huh?

 **DANNY**

Well, that shows that they're...not wild,  
and...have good virtues...

 **JESSE**

What he means is they're neat freaks.

 **D.J.**

Bye, dad.

 **DANNY**

Wait! One last piece of advice...You  
know, maybe you should drop out.  
A good education is highly overrated.

 **Becky**

Danny, let her go.

 **JESSE**

She'll be fine!

 **D.J.**

Yeah, dad, I'll be okay. Bye, everyone!

 **D.J. quickly leaves.**

 **DANNY**

Wait! D.J.! My baby! Don't leave me! D.J.!

 **D.J. drives away, waving.**

 **DANNY**

A piece of my heart just got ripped out.

 **Danny falls backwards.**

 **Jesse and Becky catch him.**

 **JESSE**

Put him on the couch.

 **BECKY**

Yeah.

 **They take Danny to the couch and put him down.**

 **DANNY**

Oh...my baby! My little girl! She's gone!

 **JESSE**

Danny, she went to college, not war.

 **DANNY**

But it feels the same.

 **JESSE**

Well, Becky and I have to go get the  
twins ready for kindergarten. Listen,  
you sit here and cry over D.J. as much  
as you like, and if you get too loud, go  
down to the basement.

 **DANNY**

I just can't believe she's gone!

 **JESSE**

 **(exasperated)** Well, why don't you go  
follow her all the way there?

 **Danny sits up abruptly.**

 **DANNY**

You're right. That's what a good father  
would do. Thanks, Jess.

 **Danny runs out the door.**

 **JESSE**

I-I didn't actually mean it!

 **BECKY**

Too late. He's gone.

 **Jesse shrugs.**

 **BECKY**

Come on, let's go get the boys ready.

 **JESSE**

Yeah, okay.

 **They go upstairs.**

 **JESSE**

I still can't believe they're going  
to kindergarten! They're growing up  
so fast.

 **BECKY**

Tell me about it.

 **They look for the boys in the attic.**

 **JESSE**

Nicky! Alex! Where are you?

 **BECKY**

Come on, boys! It's almost time to go!  
Where are you hiding?

 **The covers on Jesse and Becky's bed move.**

 **JESSE**

Oh...well, I think me and mommy  
will just take a little nap on our unnaturally  
lumpy bed...

 **Jesse tickles Nicky.**

 **Nicky giggles.**

 **JESSE**

Come on out, guys, we caught you  
red-handed.

 **Nicky comes out.**

 **NICKY**

Okay, you found me. Come out,  
brother. They found us.

 **Alex comes out.**

 **ALEX**

Aww...

 **JESSE**

Guys, come on. It's time for school.  
You're starting kindergarten today!

 **NICKY**

Run, brother!

 **Nicky and Alex run down the stairs.**

 **BECKY**

Okay, maybe that _is_ what they're  
scared of.

 **JESSE**

Told you.

 **BECKY**

Great. By the time we get there,  
they're going to be in first grade!

 **JESSE**

 _If_ we ever even get there.

 **Becky sighs.**

 ** _AN HOUR LATER- AT FRAZIER STREET ELEMENTARY SCHOOL_**

 **JESSE**

Okay, boys, here's your new school.  
How does it look?

 **NICKY**

Big.

 **ALEX**

Scary.

 **NICKY**

Big.

 **ALEX**

Scary.

 **NICKY**

Big.

 **ALEX**

Scary.

 **NICKY**

We're not going.

 **JESSE**

Okay...thanks for sharing.

 **ALEX**

Why do we have to go?

 **BECKY**

To be smart. Don't you want to be smart?

 **NICKY**

Not if it means going in there.

 **JESSE**

But, come on, guys, you loved preschool!

 **NICKY**

This isn't preschool. It's bigger.

 **ALEX**

And scarier.

 **BECKY**

Kindergarten is almost exactly the  
same! Except without naps.

 **ALEX**

Then why do we have to go here?  
Let's just go to preschool again.

 **JESSE**

Well, it's not _exactly_ , exactly the  
same...there are some slight differences,  
but you'll hardly even notice them.

 **BECKY**

Come on, once you see your new  
classroom, I'll bet you'll love it.

 **JESSE**

Yeah.

 **They take the twins into the school and stop at the kindergarten room.**

 **JESSE**

See? Don't they look like they're having fun?

 **ALEX**

Yes.

 **JESSE**

Great, so you'll go in?

 **NICKY**

No.

 **Jesse kneels down in front of the boys.**

 **JESSE**

Oh, come on, guys, it'll be great.  
As soon as you make some friends,  
everything will be fine. Just trust me,  
okay?

 **ALEX**

Okay.

 **NICKY**

We'll try it.

 **JESSE**

Alright.

 **Jesse hugs the boys and gives them a kiss.**

 **BECKY**

Have fun, boys!

 **The boys run off into the classroom.**

 **JESSE**

 **(mumbling)** Your education depends on it.

 **BECKY**

We better go home, Jess. Last  
time you stayed, you ended up  
bringing them back.

 **JESSE**

You're right, let's go.

 **They leave.**

 ** _HALF AN HOUR LATER- IN THE LIVING ROOM_**

 **Jesse and Becky come into the house.**

 **Danny is sitting on the couch.**

 **JESSE**

Oh, hey, Danny. How did it go with D.J.?

 **DANNY**

She spotted my on the freeway and made  
me go home.

 **BECKY**

Oh. Well, Danny, you have to face it.  
She's grown up. You can't treat her like  
a baby forever.

 **JESSE**

Yeah, I mean, we just went through the  
same thing. Our kids are in kindergarten.  
I feel so old!

 **DANNY**

Kindergarten? Mine's off to college!

 **JESSE**

Oh, uh, yeah. Right. I'm sorry. You're way  
older than me.

 **Danny stares at Jesse.**

 **JESSE**

I mean, I mean, well, not _way_ , way older,  
I mean...you're old, but, uh, but not that...  
old...

 **Becky elbows Jesse in the ribs.**

 **JESSE**

I'll stop talking now.

 **BECKY**

Good. Now listen, Danny. Maybe one of  
your kids are away at college, but  
you've still got two more that need  
you right here at home. It's not like  
you're finished, like your life is over.

 **Danny gives Becky a small smile.**

 **DANNY**

Oh, you're right. Thanks, Becky.

 **Danny and Becky hug.**

 **JESSE**

Hey, what about me? I...kind of helped.

 **Danny opens his arms to hug Jesse.**

 **JESSE**

You know what? I'm fine. I'll be  
okay. Go on, hug Becky.

 **Danny and Becky hug again.**

 **DANNY**

I just hate how her last words to me  
were 'I don't need you, dad!'

 **BECKY**

Oh, Danny, relax. I'm sure she didn't  
mean it. You probably just made her...  
frustrated, because you wouldn't let  
her go.

 **DANNY**

Oh, I know. It's just so hard! I  
mean, she's my first baby. Pretty  
soon, Stephanie and Michelle will  
be off to college...and then I'll  
be alone...sad...depressed...  
old...

 **JESSE**

Danny, Danny, Danny, you're turning  
my hair grey.

 **Danny gets up from couch.**

 **DANNY**

I'm sorry. I better go up to my room  
before I give anybody any wrinkles.

 **Danny goes upstairs.**

 **Jesse shakes his head.**

 _ **IN MICHELLE'S CLASSROOM AT FRASIER STREET ELEMENTARY SCHOOL**_

 **Michelle goes into her classroom.**

 **Her friends run up to her.**

 **DEREK**

Hello, Michelle. Good to see you again.

 **TEDDY**

Hey.

 **AARON**

Hi.

 **MICHELLE**

Hi, guys. Can you believe it? We're  
in the fourth grade!

 **DENISE**

Yeah, it's going to be awesome!

 **LISA**

Do you know who our teacher is?

 **MICHELLE**

Who cares? As long as it's not  
Mr. Cooper.

 **LISA**

Yeah, Mr. Cooper is the meanest teacher  
ever!

 **MICHELLE**

My uncle Jesse had him for  
fourth grade. He said he made people  
write lines for exactly eighteen  
minutes after school if they talked  
in class.

 **Everyone shudders and takes a seat.**

 **The door opens and the teacher comes in.**

 **Everyone gasps.**

 **MR. COOPER**

Sit down, no talking.

 **MICHELLE**

 **(whispering)** Mr. Cooper!

 **MR. COOPER**

Good morning, class. I am Mr. Cooper.

 **MICHELLE**

 **(mumbling)** Oh, no.

 **MR. COOPER**

Excuse me. You. In the green dress. Stand up.

 **MICHELLE**

Who, me?

 **MR. COOPER**

Yes you. Stand up right now.

 **Michelle stands up.**

 **MR. COOPER**

What is your name?

 **MICHELLE**

Michelle Tanner.

 **MR. COOPER**

To the principal's office. Now.

 **MICHELLE**

What?! But I-

 **MR. COOPER**

No buts. And I'll see you after  
school for eighteen minutes.

 **Michelle slowly turns and leaves.**

 ** _THAT AFTERNOON- IN THE KITCHEN_**

 **Becky comes into kitchen, where Jesse is drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.**

 **BECKY**

Hey, Jess, shouldn't we go pick up the boys?

 **JESSE**

Nah, it's okay. Danny's doing it.

 **BECKY**

Oh. Why is Danny doing it?

 **JESSE**

He went to pick up Michelle, so he's  
stopping by the kindergarten room.

 **BECKY**

Oh...well, that's nice of him. But I  
really wanted to see the boys. Let  
them run into my arms with smiles  
on their faces...and tell me all about  
their day.

 **JESSE**

Well, they can do that when they get home.

 **They hear the front door open.**

 **JESSE**

In fact, here they are right now.

 **The boys run in, crying.**

 **JESSE**

Hey, boys...boys, what's wrong?  
Why are you crying?

 **Nicky and Alex keep crying.**

 **JESSE**

Hey, hey, hey. Here. Sit on my lap  
and tell me what happened.

 **Nicky and Alex keep crying.**

 **Jesse looks at Danny.**

 **JESSE**

Danny?

 **DANNY**

They wouldn't tell me anything!  
I went to the kindergarten room and  
they ran out crying!

 **BECKY**

Boys, tell daddy what happened.

 **ALEX**

Everyone called us aliens!

 **NICKY**

They said we hail from planet  
Brussels Sprout, where everyone  
looks the same!

 **JESSE**

Planet Brussels Sprout? They teased you  
because you're twins?

 **The boys nod.**

 **JESSE**

That's ridiculous!

 **NICKY**

Yeah, they're dumb Brussels sprouts!

 **JESSE**

Well, whoever calls someone a  
mean name, that's what they are.

 **NICKY**

Does that mean I'm a dumb Brussels  
sprout?

 **Nicky and Alex run away, crying.**

 **BECKY**

Well, that solved the issue.

 **Jesse sighs.**

 **JESSE**

Where's Michelle?

 **DANNY**

She has detention. She told me she has to  
write 'I will not talk in class' for eighteen  
minutes. She said she'll take the bus home.

 **JESSE**

Oh, I bet she got Mr. Cooper. Poor kid.

 **BECKY**

Who's Mr. Cooper?

 **JESSE**

Only the meanest teacher ever! I  
had him in fourth grade. Once, he made  
me stand in front of the class and  
recite the school's code of conduct.  
I didn't even know what half the words  
meant!

 **DANNY**

Oh, poor Michelle.

 **BECKY**

Well, we better go see where Nicky and  
Alex are.

 **JESSE**

Yeah. Seriously, though... Brussels  
sprouts? What kind of insults does  
this generation come up with?

 **Jesse and Becky go upstairs.**

 **Danny sits down in a kitchen chair.**

 **He hears the door slam.**

 **Michelle stomps into the kitchen.**

 **MICHELLE**

I can't believe this! Mr. Cooper is the  
meanest teacher ever!

 **DANNY**

Well, hello to you, too. You got home early.

 **MICHELLE**

Can I switch schools?

 **DANNY**

Why would you want to do that?

 **MICHELLE**

Didn't you hear what I just said?

 **DANNY**

Michelle, just because you don't  
like your teacher doesn't mean that you have  
to switch schools.

 **MICHELLE**

It's not just me, the whole class hates  
him! He made nine people stay after school  
to write lines. He even made Megan write  
'I will not accidentally drop my pencil on the  
ground while the teacher is giving a  
lesson on George Washington'. We're  
thinking of going on strike.

 **Danny gives Michelle a look.**

 **DANNY**

Michelle...I don't care what you think of  
your new teacher, you have to go to school.

 **Michelle sighs and stomps up the stairs.**

 ** _THE NEXT MORNING- IN JESSE'S CAR_**

 **Jesse, Becky, Nicky, and Alex drive to school.**

 **NICKY**

You said if we don't like it, we don't have to go.

 **JESSE**

No, I didn't. And besides, it's the law...I think.

 **ALEX**

But what if they tease us?

 **BECKY**

Mommy and daddy will be right there,  
and we won't let any one tease you.

 **NICKY**

Promise?

 **BECKY**

I promise.

 ** _IN MICHELLE'S BEDROOM_**

 **Michelle is sitting on her bed.**

 **Danny knocks on her door.**

 **DANNY**

Michelle! Come on, it's time to go!  
You're already ten minutes late!

 **MICHELLE**

You can go without me.

 **DANNY**

No, I can't. Let's get moving.

 **MICHELLE**

But what's the point of going to school  
if I'm just going to spend the whole  
day sitting in the principal's office?

 **DANNY**

Look, Michelle, it's not my responsibility  
to take care of you in school, I just have  
to get you there, so can we please  
get going?

 **MICHELLE**

I don't think so.

 **Danny opens the door and comes inside.**

 **DANNY**

Michelle, listen, honey. In life, there are  
just going to be some times when not everything  
goes your way. You have to learn to deal with it.  
It's...kind of like a life skill. You and  
Mr. Cooper need to work out your  
differences.

 **MICHELLE**

Dad, I can barely ask him the time without  
getting a lecture on learning to tell time, or  
getting a watch, or getting a watch  
to help me learn to tell time.

 **DANNY**

Well, Michelle, he's a teacher. He has  
some good advice. The other teachers and  
parents must admire him.

 **MICHELLE**

Parents? Well, Uncle Jesse said, and I quote,  
'Mr. Cooper is the most ridiculous teacher  
I have ever had. He's even worse than  
Mr. Pearson, and that's saying a lot!  
I feel sorry for you, kid. I wish I could  
change classroom arrangements, but  
you know I can't. Sorry, Munchkin.'

 **DANNY**

Oh, uh...I think I'm going to have  
a little chat with Uncle Jesse when he gets home.  
But either way, Michelle, you have to trust me.  
As soon as you get to know Mr. Cooper a  
little better, you'll get to like him. I promise.

 **Michelle thinks.**

 **MICHELLE**

Well...okay. I'll try to get to know him better.  
But until that happens, you'd better  
get me a bus pass, because I'm going  
to be staying after school a lot for the  
next few weeks.

 **Danny laughs and hugs Michelle.**

 ** _AT FRASIER STREET ELEMENTARY SCHOOL_**

 **Jesse, Becky, Nicky, and Alex standing in front of their class.**

 **JESSE**

Alright, boys, go play!

 **NICKY**

Are you sure?

 **JESSE**

 **Absolutely. We'll be standing right here.**

 **Nicky and Alex run into the class.**

 **A little boy comes up to them.**

 **MAX**

Hey, look! It's the aliens!

 **All the kids laugh.**

 **MAX**

Where did you go last night? Planet  
Brussels sprout? Did you say hi to the  
other aliens?

 **The kids laugh.**

 **ALEX**

We're not aliens!

 **MAX**

Yes, you are. Aliens! Aliens!

 **The kids start yelling 'aliens'.**

 **BECKY**

 **(whispering)** Jesse, do something!

 **JESSE**

Uh...right.

 **Jesse goes into the classroom.**

 **JESSE**

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Attention all  
munchkins!

 **Everyone keeps laughing.**

 **JESSE**

HEY!

 **Everyone freezes.**

 **Jesse narrows his eyes at the kids.**

 **JESSE**

Who's calling my kids aliens?

 **Kids look at each other.**

 **JESSE**

Come on, owe up. Which one of you  
little ankle-biters were teasing them?

 **Everyone points to Max.**

 **JESSE**

What's your name, kid?

 **MAX**

Maxwell Dusilo, sir.

 **Jesse kneels down in front of him, confused.**

 **JESSE**

Dusilo...Dusilo...I've heard that name  
before...and, and you look familiar...Oh!  
You're, uh, you're Dmitri's kid, aren't you?

 **MAX**

No, sir. Dmitri is my uncle,  
sir. My father is Dante, sir.

 **JESSE**

Yeah, yeah, those famous brothers...  
Dante and Dmitri Dusilo. They were in my  
class in junior high...Oh, by the way,  
who's your mommy? Who would ever  
marry Dante?

 **MAX**

Patricia Collaceo, sir.

 **JESSE**

What? Really?! I knew it! I always knew Patricia and Dante would end up together! Ha!

 **Becky shoots Jesse a look.**

 **JESSE**

I mean, uh, no wonder you're such  
a brat. Just like them.

 **MAX**

I-I'm not a brat, sir.

 **JESSE**

Well, you're being mean to my kids.

 **MAX**

But they're twins, sir.

 **JESSE**

Yes, I am quite aware of that. I know  
I wasn't seeing double all these years.  
And what do you have against twins, huh?  
Your daddy and uncle are twins, what's  
wrong with them? Other than the fact that  
they're total jerks?

 **MAX**

Nothing, sir.

 **JESSE**

Exactly. They're just normal people like  
everyone else. And so are Nicky and Alex. And you can  
drop this 'sir' thing. Understand?

 **MAX**

Yes, sir.

 **Max turns to Nicky and Alex.**

 **MAX**

I'm sorry I teased you, Nicky. You too, Alex.  
You guys aren't aliens. And you're not from planet  
Brussels sprout.

 **ALEX**

Good, because we hate Brussels sprouts.

 **MAX**

Want to be friends?

 **NICKY**

Okay.

 **Nicky, Alex, and Max all hug.**

 **They run off to play.**

 **Jesse gets up and walks back to Becky.**

 **BECKY**

Nice job, there, dad.

 **Jesse puts his arm around Becky.**

 **JESSE**

Hey, anything for our little earthlings.

 **They watch the kids playing happily.**

 **-END TUNE-**


	2. Ep 2- Back On The Saddle

**A/N: Hey, people. This one is based on 7thxheavenxx's Full House fanfic, "Back on the Saddle". She was the brains of this one. I give her all the credit. (I didn't** ** **completely** copy it, though.) Be sure to check out her version, too. =) **

**I have her permission to do this, by the way.**

 **P.S. (Obviously, I don't own anything.) (And that includes the lyrics to 'Good Day, Sunshine'.)  
**

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode Two**

 **Back On The Saddle**

 _ **IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **Danny is on his hands and knees, examining the floor.**

 **DANNY**

Hmm...

 **Joey comes into the kitchen.**

 **JOEY**

Danny, what are you doing?

 **DANNY**

I thought I saw an ant.

 **JOEY**

So?

 **DANNY**

What do you mean 'so'? An ant, Joey.  
There's never been an ant in my kitchen.  
Ants know that there isn't any food for  
them in here...

 **JOEY**

Well...make sure you let him know that  
when you catch him.

 **Danny nods.**

 **Joey rolls his eyes and leaves.**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Michelle is playing a video game in front of the TV.**

 **Jesse comes down the stairs.**

 **JESSE**

Michelle, you've been in front of that thing  
all day. Have you even moved once?

 **MICHELLE**

I ate lunch.

 **JESSE**

Don't you have anything else to do?

 **MICHELLE**

All my friends are busy, and Stephanie's  
hanging out with Gia.

 **JESSE**

Well, why don't you go outside and play  
a while? It's a beautiful day.

 **MICHELLE**

Nah.

 **JESSE**

Go play soccer. You used to love  
soccer, remember?

 **MICHELLE**

I can't play soccer by myself.

 **JESSE**

Practice your drills.

 **MICHELLE**

Nah.

 **JESSE**

Well...Oh, why don't you go horseback  
riding? You love that. And you're good  
at it.

 **Michelle looks up in horror.**

 **MICHELLE**

No way! I'm never riding a horse again!

 **JESSE**

What? Why not?

 **MICHELLE**

Don't you remember what happened last  
time? I fell off and forgot everything!  
I didn't even know who you guys were!

 **JESSE**

Oh...well...that's not going to happen again.

 **MICHELLE**

How do you know?

 **JESSE**

Well...I don't. Not for sure. But you'll never know  
unless you try.

 **MICHELLE**

No. I don't ever want to get on a  
horse again in my entire life!

 **Michelle drops video game controller and runs upstairs.**

 **Jesse watches her, concerned, and sighs.  
**

 _ **THAT NIGHT- IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **The family is sitting at the dinner table.**

 **Michelle is playing with her food.**

 **DANNY**

Michelle, is everything okay?

 **MICHELLE**

Huh? Oh, yeah. Fine.

 **DANNY**

Why aren't you eating your dinner?

 **MICHELLE**

Uh...I'm not very hungry. Can I be  
excused?

 **DANNY**

Sure.

 **Michelle gets up and leaves the kitchen.**

 **DANNY**

Does anyone know what's up with her?

 **JESSE**

Well...I might have a hunch. I suggested  
she go horseback riding, and she freaked out.

 **DANNY**

Horseback riding? Why would you suggest  
that? Of course she would freak out! Don't  
you remember what happened last time?

 **JESSE**

Yeah, but that was three months ago.

 **DANNY**

So what? I don't want Michelle to get hurt.

 **JESSE**

But-

 **DANNY**

No buts, Jesse. I'm not letting her ride  
a horse.

 **Jesse turns to Becky and Joey.**

 **JESSE**

Someone help me here.

 **They quickly put their hands up in defeat.**

 **Jesse groans.**

 **JESSE**

Wimps.

 **Jesse turns back to Danny.**

 **JESSE  
**

Michelle loves riding!

 **DANNY**

She clearly doesn't anymore. She's scared  
to ride a a horse. And she should be. I'm her  
father and I say no riding. I don't feel ready  
to deal with what happened again.

 **JESSE**

But it won't happen again. Why don't you just  
take her to the ring-

 **DANNY**

Jesse, I think I've made myself clear. No  
riding for a while. Okay?

 **Jesse reluctantly nods.**

 **JESSE**

Okay.

 _ **THE NEXT MORNING- IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Michelle is playing a video game in front of the TV.**

 **Jesse comes in from the kitchen.**

 **JESSE**

Hey, Michelle, I just had an idea. How about  
we go out for some ice cream. Just the  
two of us.

 **MICHELLE**

Okay, just let me finish this game.

 **JESSE**

No, no, no. The offer ends in three...two...one...

 **Michelle shuts off the TV.**

 **MICHELLE**

Okay, okay. Let's go.

 **JESSE**

Alright.

 **They go out the door.**

 _ **IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **Joey, Becky, Stephanie, Nicky, Alex, and Danny are in the kitchen.**

 **DANNY**

You're all probably wondering why I called  
this meeting.

 **JOEY**

Yeah, probably...

 **DANNY**

Well, I saw an uninvited guest in  
the kitchen.

 **STEPH**

I thought Kimmy went away to college.

 **DANNY**

This...is worse than Kimmy.

 **STEPH**

 **(shocked)** No! Is that possible?

 **BECKY**

Well, what was it?

 **DANNY**

Are you ready for this?

 **Danny takes a deep breath.**

 **DANNY**

An ant.

 **Everyone groans.**

 **DANNY**

No, I don't want to hear it. We are going to  
turn this kitchen upside down, neatly  
of course, until we find it. Let's move!

 _ **OUTSIDE IN THE PARK**_

 **Jesse and Michelle are walking outside.**

 **Michelle is licking an ice cream cone.**

 **They come to the riding ring.**

 **MICHELLE**

Hey, what are we doing here?

 **JESSE**

I just thought we'd stop by. But promise  
not to tell your dad.

 **MICHELLE**

I said I don't want to ride.

 **JESSE**

You don't have to ride. We're just going  
to watch.

 **MICHELLE**

Oh. Okay.

 **They go sit down on the side of the ring.**

 **They watch the other kids ride for a while.**

 **MICHELLE**

I wish I could ride like them.

 **JESSE**

You can.

 **MICHELLE**

But I got hurt last time because I  
wasn't good enough.

 **JESSE**

Oh, Michelle, that's not true. You  
got hurt because you were riding too fast.  
If you go slowly, you're not going to fall off.

 **MICHELLE**

Are you sure?

 **JESSE**

Well...no. But, listen, shorty. Some people  
do really dangerous things, and they're  
totally fine. Other people get hurt doing  
something completely safe. You can never  
be really sure, you know?

 **MICHELLE**

But you said if you don't do dangerous  
things, you probably won't get hurt, right?

 **JESSE**

Like I said, you never know. But horseback  
riding isn't really that dangerous if  
you do it right.

 **Michelle thinks about that.**

 **JESSE**

Look, people make mistakes. You were riding too  
fast, and you fell off. Once. Remember when you  
were two years old, Stephanie gave me a  
'pretend' haircut?

 **MICHELLE**

How could I remember? I was two.

 **JESSE**

Right. Well, I was playing beauty parlor  
with Stephanie, and she was using real scissors  
to give me a pretend haircut. And then Joey made her  
laugh, and she ended up snipping off a huge  
chunk of my hair.

 **MICHELLE**

 **(shocked)** Really? I can't believe she did that.

 **JESSE**

Yeah, that's exactly what D.J. said. Anyway, I had to  
get a real haircut. I was so busy being upset, I wasn't  
watching where I was going, and I crashed.

 **MICHELLE**

 **(wide-eyed)** Whoa...

 **JESSE**

I had to get a cast on both arms.

 **MICHELLE**

Wow.

 **JESSE**

So you see what I'm saying? I was an  
expert bike rider, but I crashed. You're good at horseback  
riding, but you fell off. And you got hurt. No matter how  
good someone might be at something, they could  
make a mistake, which might even kill them. You're lucky  
you weren't too badly hurt.

 **MICHELLE**

What if _this_ time I get badly hurt?

 **JESSE**

Well, you got to take that chance. Do you love riding?

 **MICHELLE**

I guess. Well, I did before.

 **JESSE**

Then you can't let your fear stop you. You know,  
on my sixteenth birthday, your mom got me my  
first motorcycle. Everyday, I would ride it to and from  
school, and pretty much every other time I left the  
house. But then one day, this guy rear-ended  
me, and I went flying into a ditch-

 **MICHELLE**

Uncle Jesse, are these stories supposed to make  
me feel better? Because they're just scaring me.

 **JESSE**

Let me finish. Anyway, I didn't get seriously  
hurt, just a few cuts and bruises, but I told myself  
I would never get on a bike ever again.

 **MICHELLE**

But you ride your motorcycle all the time.

 **JESSE**

That's the thing, see? After a while, I realized  
I was missing out on something I loved. So when  
my friends invited me to go to Lake Tahoe, I went  
with them. And let me tell you, Michelle. It felt great to  
be doing something I loved again. And trust me,  
you're going to feel exactly the same way when you get back  
on that horse. But look, it's up to you.

 **Michelle thinks for a moment.**

 **MICHELLE**

Okay. I'll try.

 **JESSE**

Alright.

 **MICHELLE**

But promise you'll stay next to me the  
whole time.

 **JESSE**

Sure, Munchkin.

 **Michelle gives him a smile.**

 _ **IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **Becky, Joey, Stephanie, Nicky, and Alex are tossing things around, looking for the ant.**

 **Danny walks in.**

 **DANNY**

What happened?!

 **Becky looks up quickly.**

 **BECKY**

Oh, uh, Danny. We were just looking  
for that ant.

 **DANNY**

This place is a mess!

 **NICKY**

You said turn the kitchen upside down.

 **DANNY**

I said neatly!

 **JOEY**

Well, at least we found something.

 **BECKY**

We did?

 **JOEY**

Sure. My lucky cupcake.

 **Joey holds up a moldy cupcake.**

 **JOEY**

I hid it somewhere six years ago,  
so I wouldn't want to eat it.

 **Joey examines the cupcake.**

 **JOEY**

Well, the luck must have run out  
by now. And it still looks good.

 **Joey takes a bite.**

 **Everyone groans.**

 **JOEY**

Yep. **(chewing)** Still great.

 **BECKY**

 **(disgusted)** Well, uh, anyway, we  
didn't find the ant.

 **DANNY**

We'd better call an exterminator.

 **JOEY**

For one ant?

 **DANNY**

One ant means there's probably crumbs on my  
floor, which could attract other ants, which could attract  
cockroaches and mice, which could attract racoons  
and stray cats, which could attract wombats and  
rabid dogs, which could attract lions and tigers  
and bears, oh my!

 **Danny rushes to the phone.**

 **JOEY**

 **(whispering to Becky)** He needs therapy.

 **BECKY**

Either that or he's been watching too much  
'Wizard of Oz'.

 _ **IN THE RIDING RING**_

 **Michelle is sitting on a small horse.**

 **Jesse walks over, wiping off Michelle's helmet.**

 **Jesse puts the helmet on her head.**

 **JESSE**

Okay, Michelle, I got you the smallest  
horse they had.

 **Jesse looks at the horse.**

 **JESSE**

It's practically a donkey.

 **The horse whinnies.**

 **JESSE**

No offense.

 **The horse stomps the ground.**

 **JESSE**

Alright, Munchkin. You can do this.

 **Michelle looks determined.**

 **MICHELLE**

Okay. Let's go.

 **Jesse leads the horse to take a few steps.**

 **JESSE**

Ready to go a little faster?

 **MICHELLE**

Can you let go?

 **JESSE**

Already? Are you sure?

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah.

 **Jesse lets go of reins.**

 **Suddenly, the horse gallops away.**

 **JESSE**

Michelle!

 **The horse keeps galloping.**

 **JESSE**

Michelle! Uh...stop! Heel! Stay!

 **Michelle starts riding the horse freely, like she used to.  
**

 **Jesse watches helplessly.**

 **The horse comes to a stop.**

 **Jesse runs over.**

 **JESSE**

Michelle. Are you okay? Are you hurt?  
I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have let go.

 **Michelle starts laughing.**

 **MICHELLE**

That was awesome!

 **JESSE**

 **(confused)** Huh?

 **MICHELLE**

You were right, Uncle Jesse.

 **JESSE**

Oh. Of course I was right...What  
did I say?

 **MICHELLE**

It felt great to ride a horse again.  
And I didn't even get hurt.

 **JESSE**

Oh. Well, that's wonderful, Michelle.  
I told you you could trust me.

 **Michelle jumps off the horse and hugs Jesse.**

 **MICHELLE**

Let's go tell dad. He'll be proud of me.

 **Jesse chuckles nervously.**

JESSE

Oh, right. Danny. Hopefully, he'll see  
the... _humor_ in this situation.

 _ **Cuts to Jesse and Danny in the kitchen.**_

 **DANNY**

You took her horseback riding?!

 **JESSE**

Danny, listen-

 **DANNY**

I told you not to!

 **JESSE**

Yeah, but-

 **DANNY**

I specifically said I don't want her  
riding for a while!

 **JESSE**

But she-

 **DANNY**

How could you disobey me like that?!

 **JESSE**

Danny-

 **DANNY**

I am her father and I am the one who  
makes decisions around here!

 **JESSE**

But-

 **DANNY**

No buts! I can't believe you! You had  
no right to take her to the ring after I  
told you not to! You're grounded! Go  
to your room!

 **Jesse gives him a confused look.**

 **Danny groans and slumps in a chair.**

 **DANNY**

I'm going crazy. I just grounded a  
thirty-two year old.

 **JESSE**

Can I speak now?

 **DANNY**

Sorry. Go ahead.

 **JESSE**

Okay, look. I know you said you don't want  
her to go horseback riding. But I know  
you. You're... a little more than a little  
overprotective of your kids.

 **Danny sighs.**

 **JESSE**

And I know Michelle is _your_ daughter, not mine.  
But I'm a father, too. I've been one for more than  
five years. Heck, I have almost as many kids as you.  
And I would never let Michelle do anything that I don't  
feel is safe for my own children.

 **DANNY**

Oh, I know you wouldn't. It's just that,  
well, you know, with D.J. gone to college...

 **JESSE**

You feel like you have to protect the babies you  
have left, before they're gone, too.

 **DANNY**

Michelle is my last little girl. If anything happened to her...

 **JESSE**

Danny, I get it. I know how you feel. But you  
can't keep her in a bubble forever. You got to  
let her live. You should have seen her face  
when she started riding freely again. It was like she  
had come out of her shell.

 **DANNY**

I guess you're right. I'm sorry.

 **They hug.**

 **DANNY**

 **(smiling)** But you're still grounded.

 **JESSE**

 **(smiling back)** You got it, dad.

 _ **THAT AFTERNOON- IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **Michelle walks in.**

 **MICHELLE**

Ant!

 **Everyone runs in.**

 **DANNY**

What? Where? Kill it!

 **MICHELLE**

It's right...oh. It's gone.

 **Danny groans.**

 **DANNY**

I can't believe the exterminator was  
busy on a Sunday.

 **Jesse clears his throat.**

 **JESSE**

Ahem. You happen to be looking at  
San Francisco's eleventh top exterminator  
under thirty.

 **BECKY**

 _Under_ thirty?

 **Jesse thinks for a second.**

 **JESSE**

Well, that was eight years ago...but I  
think I have some stuff left in the attic. Wait here.

 **Jesse runs upstairs.**

 **Michelle turns to Danny.**

 **MICHELLE**

Dad, can we go back to the ring?

 **DANNY**

Michelle, you were just there.

 **MICHELLE**

But I haven't been there for three  
months. Me and Pepper-mill need to catch up.

 **Danny looks worried.**

 **DANNY**

Well, Michelle, I really don't think it's safe...

 **Michelle looks disappointed.**

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

You know what, sure. We'll go right  
after we get rid of this ant.

 **Michelle looks delighted.**

 **DANNY**

Maybe your Uncle Jesse was right.  
Maybe I was being a little too overprotective.  
I'm sorry, Michelle.

 **MICHELLE**

That's okay. You're cured now, so everything's cool.

 **Danny laughs.**

 **Jesse comes running down the stairs.**

 **JESSE**

Okay, I got it. Watch this.

 **Jesse puts a piece of paper down on the ground.**

 **They wait.**

 **BECKY**

What's that?

 **JESSE**

Ant paper.

 **They keep waiting.**

 **STEPH**

And why are we supposed to watch it?

 **JESSE**

Just wait. Ants have tiny legs.

 **Everyone leaves.**

 **Danny calls Michelle back into the kitchen.**

 **DANNY**

Michelle. Hold on a minute. I want to  
talk to you.

 **Michelle comes back in.**

 **They sit down in chairs.**

 **DANNY**

Okay, um...do you remember a few weeks  
after your accident, I told you that you that I  
never want you to ride a horse again?

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah...

 **DANNY**

Well, um, how do I say this? When your  
Uncle Jesse told me that he took you to the ring,  
I was so angry that he had disobeyed me, but you know,  
he did a good thing. He helped you get over  
your fear. And I guess I learned something, too.  
I can always trust uncle Jesse. He knows  
what's best for you.

 **MICHELLE**

I thought you already knew that.

 **DANNY**

To be honest, Michelle, there was always a  
little part of me that wondered if he really knew  
what he was doing. But he's been living with us  
for almost nine years now. He has a wife, and his  
own kids. He's a father, too.

 **Michelle nods.**

 **DANNY**

I mean, when he first moved in, he was a reckless punk.  
Back then, that little part wasn't so little.  
But I've learned to trust him. Now I know he would  
never do anything that could possibly hurt you girls.

 **MICHELLE**

I know that, too.

 **DANNY**

I guess what I'm trying to say is...always  
trust him. Trust me, and Aunt Becky, and Joey,  
too...we know what we're doing.

 **MICHELLE**

But can't horseback riding still hurt me?

 **DANNY**

Well...do you love riding?

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah...

 **DANNY**

Then you can't let your fear stop you.

 **MICHELLE**

 **(confused)** That's exactly what Uncle Jesse  
told me. Do you grown-ups have, like, secret  
meetings after we go to sleep, to discuss  
what lessons you're going to teach  
your kids tomorrow?

 **DANNY**

You'll have to wait until you're a grown-up  
to find out.

 **Danny laughs.**

 **They hug.**

 **Danny yelps.**

 **DANNY**

Jesse! Get in here!

 **Jesse runs in.**

 **JESSE**

What? What's wrong?

 **Danny points to the ant paper, which has ants all over it.**

 **DANNY**

Your ant paper was supposed to get rid of the ant,  
but now it thinks he and his little friends have  
a poker night in our kitchen.

 **JESSE**

Oh, um, uh, well, uh...this never happened  
when my dad used it. What should I do?

 **DANNY**

Jesse, I want _your_  
opinion on this situation. What do _you_ think  
we should do?

 **Jesse looks confused.**

 **JESSE**

Uh...I don't know, you're the one who  
makes decisions around here.

 **DANNY**

Not anymore. We're all in this together. We  
all have to make the decisions.

 **JESSE**

 **(confused)** What are you talking about?  
Just tell me what to do about the ants.

 **DANNY**

Today, you made me realize that I  
didn't trust you enough. And I'm really  
sorry for that. I know that you want the best  
for my children.

 **JESSE**

Danny, we're talking about a few _ants_  
here, not your children.

 **DANNY**

I know, but I just wanted to tell you that.

 **Jesse smiles.**

 **They hug.**

 **DANNY**

Okay, back to the ants. Do something  
about them!

 **JESSE**

Okay, uh, now that they're all  
here, I can use the ant spray.

 **DANNY**

 **(confused)** Ant spray?

 **JESSE**

Yeah. I'll be right back.

 **Jesse runs up the stairs.**

 **He runs down a few moments later.**

 **JESSE**

Watch and be amazed.

 **Jesse sprays the ants.**

 **The ants stop moving.**

 **DANNY**

Jesse, that's amazing! What's in that stuff?

 **JESSE**

Family recipe.

 **MICHELLE  
(yes, she's still in the kitchen, she never left)**

Well, now that that's all taken care of,  
let's go riding.

 **DANNY**

I have an idea. Why don't we all go.  
A nice little family outing.

 **JESSE**

No, no, no, no, no. I don't ride horses.

 **MICHELLE**

Aw, come on, Uncle Jesse, it'll be fun.

 **JESSE**

Getting thrown in the mud by a four-legged  
flee-ball is fun?

 **MICHELLE**

You'll never know if you don't try.  
Just because it happened once-

 **JESSE**

Once?

 **MICHELLE**

A few times-

 **JESSE**

A few times?

 **MICHELLE**

 _Every single time you got on a horse,_  
doesn't mean it's going to happen this time.

 **JESSE**

Oh...I hate being blackmailed with my  
own speeches. Okay. I'll do it.

 **Michelle smiles triumphantly.**

 **MICHELLE**

Let's go.

 ** _THAT EVENING- IN THE RIDING RING_**

 **(Background music: Good Day, Sunshine)**

 **(apparently, that is a horse-riding song. It played while D.J. rode Rocket, so, yeah. idk =P)**

 **Michelle is galloping on Pepper-mill.**

 _Good day sunshine,_  
 _Good day sunshine..._  
 _I need to laugh, and when the sun is out_  
 _I've got something I can laugh about,_  
 _I feel good, in a special way,_  
 _I'm in love and it's a sunny day._

 **Jesse is falling off his horse and failing to ride, while Becky watches, laughing.**

 _Good day sunshine,_  
 _Good day sunshine._  
 _We take a walk, the sun is shining down,_  
 _Burns my feet as they touch the ground._

 **Stephanie gives her horse a carrot. =P**

 _And then we lie, beneath a shady tree,_  
 _I love her and she's loving me._  
 _She feels good, she knows she's looking fine._  
 _I'm so proud to know that she is mine._

 **Nicky and Alex pet their horse**.

 _Good day sunshine,_  
 _Good day sunshine,_  
 _Good day sunshine._

 **Zooms out to sunset.**

 **-END TUNE-**


	3. Ep 3- A Real Treasure

**A/N: Hey, people. Thanks for the reviews! I thought I should just post this one today since I already had it written. (I had started these a while before I got a FanFiction account, so =P) After this one, I promise I'll only post on Fridays. Anyway, keep in mind that I'm trying to keep the cheesiness that the original Full house was known for.**

 **Also, no offense to any Mariahs who read this. =)**

 **P.S. (Obviously, I don't own anything)**

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode Three**

 **A Real Treasure**

 _ **AFTER SCHOOL ONE DAY- IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Stephanie walks into the house and slams the door.**

 **STEPH**

I can't believe this.

 **Jesse walks in from the kitchen.**

 **JESSE**

What?

 **STEPH**

Mariah Morris thinks I'm lame.

 **JESSE**

Oh, you have a Mariah at your school?

 **STEPH**

Yeah...

 **JESSE**

Hot, popular, mean girl?

 **STEPH**

Yeah, do you know her or something?

 **JESSE**

No, I've found that all Mariahs are the same.  
I had one at my high school. She always used to seduce  
me by wearing revealing outfits...but she  
was a jerk. All she cared bout was looking good  
and being popular.

 **STEPH**

She _is_ a jerk. And she hates me.

 **JESSE**

I wished she'd hated me, too. She was  
so tempting as it was...

 **STEPH**

Uncle Jesse, can we keep this about me, please?

 **JESSE**

Oh, right. Sorry. So why does this girl hate you?

 **STEPH**

She said I'm a sissy because I'm blonde.

 **JESSE**

What? That's ridiculous.

 **STEPH**

I _know_. But I'm going to make her like me.

 **JESSE**

Okay. Well, good luck.

 _ **IN THE BACKYARD**_

 **Michelle, Nicky, and Alex are in the backyard.**

 **NICKY**

What are we going to do, Michelle?

 **MICHELLE**

We're going to plant some flowers  
for Aunt Becky's garden.

 **ALEX**

But there are already flowers.

 **MICHELLE**

There's only brown dandelions.

 **NICKY**

Brown is a pretty color.

 **Michelle rolls her eyes.**

 **MICHELLE**

Whatever. Come on.

 **Michelle kneels on the ground.**

 **NICKY**

I want to dig.

 **MICHELLE**

Okay, but only small holes. We wouldn't want  
to hit a water pipe like last time.

 **ALEX**

But last time was fun. The backyard got full of mud.

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah, but Daddy got mad.

 **NICKY**

Whose daddy, yours or ours?

 **MICHELLE**

Both.

 **Michelle gives Nicky and Alex shovels.**

 **MICHELLE**

Okay, ready...set...dig!

 _ **IN STEPHANIE (AND MICHELLE'S) ROOM**_

 **Stephanie is looking in the mirror.**

 **STEPH**

Maybe if I wear more make-up...

 **Michelle walks in with her hands covered in dirt.**

 **MICHELLE**

What are you doing?

 **STEPH**

Nothing.

 **MICHELLE**

Can I do nothing with you?

 **Michelle goes to the mirror and makes a face.**

 **STEPH**

What are you doing?

 **MICHELLE**

Nothing.

 **STEPH**

Ugh. Michelle, go away. I  
want to be alone.

 **MICHELLE**

Why do you have to be alone to  
do nothing?

 **STEPH**

Because.

 **MICHELLE**

Because what?

 **STEPH**

Because I said so.

 **MICHELLE**

Why did you say so?

 **STEPH**

Because!

 **MICHELLE**

That's not a good reason.

 **STEPH**

 **(frustrated)** What's the Capital of Ohio?

 **MICHELLE**

 **(confused)** I don't know.

 **STEPH**

Then get out.

 **MICHELLE**

Wait, I wanted to get my-

 **Stephanie pushes Michelle out the door and closes it.**

 **STEPH**

Hey, they were right when they said  
confusion is the key.

 **Stephanie goes back to the mirror.**

 _ **IN THE BACKYARD**_

 **Michelle walks back outside.**

 **NICKY**

Michelle. Look what we found.

 **MICHELLE**

What?

 **ALEX**

Come see.

 **Michelle goes over to the twins.**

 **MICHELLE**

What is it?

 **ALEX**

We don't know. It won't come out.

 **Michelle takes a shovel and digs up a box.**

 **MICHELLE**

Wow! Look at this.

 **NICKY**

What is it?

 **MICHELLE**

I think it's treasure.

 **NICKY**

Cool!

 **ALEX**

Double cool!

 **NICKY**

What's inside?

 **Michelle tries to open the box.**

 **MICHELLE**

I don't know. It's stuck.

 **ALEX**

What if there's gold and diamonds  
and gummy bears?

 **MICHELLE**

 **(confused)** Gummy bears?

 **ALEX**

They're the best treasure.

 **MICHELLE**

Hmm. Let's go see if dad can open it.

 **NICKY**

Your dad or ours?

 **MICHELLE**

Whichever one we come across first. Come on.

 **Michelle, Nicky, and Alex go inside.**

 **Danny is in kitchen, washing plates.**

 **MICHELLE**

Dad, look at this.

 **DANNY**

Oh, nice. What is it?

 **NICKY**

Treasure.

 **MICHELLE**

We found it in the garden.

 **ALEX**

It's stuck.

 **MICHELLE**

Can you try to open it?

 **Danny takes the box from Michelle.**

 **DANNY**

Looks like it's locked. There's a keyhole.

 **NICKY**

Aww. No gummy bears?

 **DANNY**

I don't know, we'll have to open  
it some other way.

 **MICHELLE**

Let's go ask Uncle Jesse.

 **DANNY**

Okay, but be very careful. That box is dirty.

 **Michelle rolls her eyes.**

 **Michelle, Nicky, and Alex leave.**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Stephanie sneaks into the house with her hood on.**

 **Michelle, Nicky, and Alex come into living room.**

 **MICHELLE**

Hey, Steph. Why do you have a hood on?

 **STEPH**

Oh, no reason.

 **MICHELLE**

Aw, come on. Tell me.

 **STEPH**

It's nothing.

 **MICHELLE**

Everything can't be nothing. If you  
don't tell me, I'll tell dad you're up  
to something.

 **STEPH**

Fine. Pinky swear not to tell.

 **Michelle and Stephanie lock pinkies.**

 **Stephanie takes off her hood.**

 **Michelle stares.**

 **MICHELLE**

Your hair...is black.

 **STEPH**

Shh! Keep it down.

 **MICHELLE**

Why did you dye your hair?

 **STEPH**

So I would be popular.

 **MICHELLE**

 **(confused)** How is black hair going to  
make you popular?

 **STEPH**

You'll understand when you're in junior  
high. And remember...you pinkie swore.

 **Michelle sighs.**

 **MICHELLE**

Okay.

 _ **IN THE ATTIC**_

 **Michelle, Nicky, and Alex go up the attic stairs.**

 **MICHELLE**

Uncle Jesse, can you open this?

 **Jesse puts down his pencil.**

 **JESSE**

What have you got there, shorty?

 **NICKY**

Gummy bears.

 **Jesse stares at the box, and gives Michelle a look.**

 **MICHELLE**

Well, we don't know whats inside.  
It's locked.

 **JESSE**

Oh. Well, no problem. Here, let me  
just...hold on...wait...ow, okay, just...

 **Jesse tries to pull the box open.**

 **MICHELLE**

Should I get a screwdriver or something?

 **JESSE**

Oh, that won't be necessary. Just...let  
me...hm. This is strong...

 **Jesse continues to yank on the lid.**

 **MICHELLE**

Ready for that screwdriver?

 **Jesse sighs.**

 **JESSE**

I'm not sure a screwdriver will help.  
What is this box, anyway?

 **MICHELLE**

It was buried in the yard.

 **JESSE**

Well, it looks like there's a keyhole,  
so you have to find the key.

 **ALEX**

Aw, fudge. No gummy bears.

 _ **IN STEPHANIE AND MICHELLE'S ROOM**_

 **Stephanie is putting on black mascara.**

 **STEPH**

There. That should make Mariah like me.

 **She hears a knock on the door.**

 **JOEY**

Steph, what are you doing in there?

 **STEPH**

Uh...just a minute.

 **Stephanie grabs a jacket with a hood and puts it on.**

 **STEPH**

What is it?

 **JOEY**

Have you seen my...

 **Joey opens the door and comes in.**

 **JOEY**

Why are you wearing a coat?

 **STEPH**

A coat?

 **Steph looks down at her jacket.**

 **STEPH**

Oh, would you look at that! I _do_ have  
a coat on! Ha.

 **Joey gives Stephanie a look.**

 **STEPH**

Uh, it's a little chilly in here. uh...brr.

 **JOEY**

 **(confused)** Oh. Okay. Have you seen my-  
Whoa. What's up with the goth face?

 **Steph looks in the mirror.**

 **STEPH**

Oh, uh...gee, I guess I must have taken the  
wrong lipstick. I was...rehearsing for a play, and,  
um, this scene is outside, so, uh, I 'm supposed  
to wear a coat.

 **JOEY**

You said it was cold.

 **STEPH**

It is. That, too.

 **Joey nods, confused.**

 **JOEY**

Uh...I forgot what I was looking for.

 **Joey leaves.**

 **Steph lets out the breath she'd been holding.**

 **STEPH**

That was close. Now I have to find a way  
to leave tomorrow without being spotted.

 _ **IN THE BACKYARD**_

 **Michelle, Nicky, and Alex go back outside.**

 **MICHELLE**

Well, guys, I guess we'll never know  
what's inside this box.

 **NICKY**

Now what do we do?

 **MICHELLE**

Well, we were supposed to be planting  
flowers, remember?

 **ALEX**

Oh, yeah.

 **They start digging again.**

 **Michelle hits something in the ground.**

 **MICHELLE**

Hey, there's something in the ground.

 **Nicky and Alex run over.**

 **Michelle digs up another box, identical to the other.**

 **ALEX**

Another treasure!

 **Michelle opens the box.**

 **MICHELLE**

It's a key. Hmm... Hey, wait a minute...

 **Michelle takes the other box.**

 **Michelle puts the key in the keyhole.**

 **The box opens.**

 **MICHELLE**

Hey, it works!

 **NICKY**

What's inside?

 **ALEX**

Gummy bears?

 **Michelle takes out a map.**

 **MICHELLE**

A map.

 **They stare at the map.**

 **ALEX**

Is it a treasure map?

 **MICHELLE**

It looks like a map of our house.  
And it has an x.

 **NICKY**

Let's follow it.

 **MICHELLE**

It says take ten steps into the kitchen...  
four steps left...twelve steps upstairs...

 _ **[Fast forward]**_

 **Michelle, Nicky, and Alex run around the house, finding box after box. =)**

 _ **[Fast forward stops]**_

 **Michelle, Nicky, and Alex go back outside to the garden.**

 **MICHELLE**

Phew. This is taking forever. We've found nine  
boxes, and they all had a map leading up  
to another box.

 **NICKY**

It's almost dark now.

 **ALEX**

Let's just go get some gummy bears  
from the fridge.

 **Nicky and Alex go inside.**

 **Michelle sighs.**

 **MICHELLE**

I'm never going to find that treasure.

 **Michelle follows Nicky and Alex inside.**

 _ **THAT NIGHT- IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **Danny, Jesse, Joey, and Becky are preparing dinner.**

 **DANNY**

Michelle! Steph! Come help set the table.

 **Michelle comes downstairs.**

 **MICHELLE**

Stephanie said she's not hungry.

 **DANNY**

Why not?

 **MICHELLE**

She, um, ate a big lunch. At school. Yeah.

 **DANNY**

Okay... But she still has to help set the table.

 **MICHELLE**

That's okay. I'll do her share.

 **DANNY**

Well, that's very generous of you, Michelle.

 **MICHELLE**

 **(annoyed)** I know.

 **Danny goes back to the table.**

 **Michelle sneaks over to the counter and takes a hamburger.**

 **Michelle runs upstairs.**

 **Michelle runs into Stephanie's room.**

 **STEPH**

Did you get it?

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah. Here.

 **STEPH**

Thanks, Michelle.

 **MICHELLE**

I even offered to set _your_ share  
of the table.

 **Michelle sits next to Stephanie.**

 **MICHELLE**

You know you can't hide in your  
room forever.

 **STEPH**

I know, but I just want to see if black hair  
will make me as popular as Mariah. Then  
maybe she'll like me.

 **MICHELLE**

Who's Mariah?

 **STEPH**

This girl who doesn't like me.

 **MICHELLE**

How is black hair going to help?

 **STEPH**

You don't understand.

 **Michelle sighs.**

 **MICHELLE**

Of _course_ I don't.

 _ **THE NEXT MORNING- IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Stephanie tries to sneak out the front door.**

 **JESSE**

Steph! Hold on. Why are you wearing  
a coat? It's warm outside.

 **STEPH**

Uh...I'm sick. I have a cold. _Eh-e_. Bye.

 **Stephanie rushes out the door.**

 **Michelle comes into living room.**

 **JESSE**

 **(confused)** Hey, Michelle, you know what's  
up with Stephanie?

 **MICHELLE**

Uh...Stephanie? Never heard of her.

 **Michelle rushes out the door.**

 **Jesse stands there, confused.**

 _ **IN THE SCHOOL BATHROOM AT DIMAGGIO (is that how u spell it?) JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL**_

 **Stephanie is putting on make-up.**

 **STEPH**

There. Perfect.

 **Mariah and three other girls come in.**

 **Mariah and Stephanie stare at each other.**

 **MARIAH**

Oh, looky here, girls. It's the blondie. Well,  
I guess you're not blonde anymore, are you?

 **Mariah walks towards Stephanie.**

 **MARIAH**

Now your hair is...is that green? Or black.  
I'm sorry, It's hard to tell the difference.  
The blond underneath makes it look green.

 **Mariah takes Stephanie's eyeliner out of her hand.**

 **MARIAH**

What brand is this? Avon? Ew! That's so cheap!  
You could have gotten Sephora or something  
at least. This stuff is for sissies. How lame!

 **The girls snicker.**

 **MARIAH**

I guess the old saying is true. Once a sissy,  
Always a sissy. You should stop trying, Stephanie.

 **The girls leave, laughing.**

 **Stephanie watches them leave, then throws her make-up on the ground.**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Joey is looking for sofa change.**

 **Michelle comes home from school.**

 **JOEY**

Hey, Michelle. Can you believe it?  
There's no change down here.

 **MICHELLE**

I know. I wiped it clean on Tuesday.

 **Michelle goes upstairs.**

 **Michelle takes the box of her dresser.**

 **MICHELLE**

I got to find that treasure.

 **Stephanie runs inside, and slams the back door.**

 **Danny looks up from the food he's cooking.**

 **DANNY**

Stephanie! What's wrong? Why is  
your hair black?!

 **Stephanie runs up to her room.**

 **Danny goes after her.**

 **Stephanie shuts her bedroom door.**

 **DANNY**

Steph! Stephanie. Steph, honey, open the door.

 **STEPH**

Go away.

 **DANNY**

I want to talk to you.

 **STEPH**

I don't want to talk.

 **DANNY**

Well, that's too bad, because I'm your father and I do.

 **Danny opens the door and walks in.**

 **STEPH**

Can I help you?

 **DANNY**

Let's see. Dyed hair, black make-up,  
running mascara...I think it's time for  
one of my dad talks.

 **Danny sits on Stephanie's bed.**

 **DANNY**

What's going on?

 **STEPH**

Nothing.

 **DANNY**

First of all, when did you dye your hair?

 **STEPH**

Yesterday.

 **DANNY**

Is that why you were wearing a coat this morning?

 **STEPH**

Yeah, I guess.

 **DANNY**

Why didn't you tell anyone?

 **STEPH**

Because I knew you wouldn't like it.  
You'd make me dye it back.

 **DANNY**

Why did you even dye your hair in the first place?

 **STEPH**

Because blonde hair is for sissies.

 **DANNY**

Why would you think that?

 **STEPH**

That's what Mariah said.

 **DANNY**

Who's Mariah?

 **STEPH**

A girl from school.

 **DANNY**

Hot, popular, mean girl?

 **STEPH**

 **(surprised)** Yeah...how do you know her?

 **DANNY**

Oh, I don't. But I've found that most  
Mariahs are the same.

 **STEPH**

Did you go to the same school as Uncle Jesse?

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

So let me get this straight. You dyed  
your hair black and painted your face with  
make-up just because some girl told you to?

 **STEPH**

She didn't _tell_ me to...I just wanted to make her like me.

 **DANNY**

Did it work?

 **STEPH**

She said my hair looked green, and my  
make-up was cheap.

 **DANNY**

Look. Stephanie. If someone like that doesn't  
like you, you can't make her. She'll always find  
something else about you to criticize.

 **STEPH**

That's stupid. Just because she's popular, she thinks  
she's so important.

 **DANNY**

But is she?

 **STEPH**

No...

 **DANNY**

Then why are you acting like she is?  
Why are you trying to make her accept you?

 **STEPH**

I don't know. I guess...I guess I want to be popular, too.

 **DANNY**

Why? I mean, if that's your definition on popular...  
dyed hair, too much make-up, going around being mean  
to people and making them feel bad about themselves...  
is that really the kind of person you want to be?

 **STEPH**

Well...no...

 **DANNY**

Steph. Are you happy with who you are?  
Not this popular girl you're trying to be, but the  
Stephanie who's smart, talented, and kind? The one with blonde hair  
and a beautiful face that's not covered up by make-up?

 **STEPH**

Well, yeah. I like myself just fine.

 **DANNY**

But you're trying to be this person you're not.

 **STEPH**

What's the point of me liking me? I want other  
people to like me, too.

 **DANNY**

You're trying too hard. Not everyone has to like  
everyone. Those people who can't accept you for being  
you aren't worth trying to impress. It's the people who  
care about you that matter.

 **STEPH**

I guess... I guess you're right.

 **DANNY**

So do you really think blond hair is for sissies?

 **STEPH**

No. I never did. I like blonde hair.

 **DANNY**

Me, too. You know, you remind me so much of your mother.

 **STEPH**

Really?

 **DANNY**

All three of you girls. So promise me...don't  
ever try to change yourself again. Okay?

 **STEPH**

I promise.

 **They hug.**

 **STEPH**

I think I'll go to the salon and dye it back.

 **DANNY**

That's my girl. By the way, how much did that cost?

 **STEPH**

Uh...I'd better get going before they run  
out of blonde dye. See you.

 **Stephanie runs out.**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Michelle walks in.**

 **Joey is reading a newspaper. (since when does Joey read newspapers?)**

 **MICHELLE**

Joey, I need help.

 **JOEY**

Sure. What's up?

 **MICHELLE**

I found a box in the garden, and it had a  
map, so I followed it, and I found another box, that also  
had a map, and I followed it...and I kept finding boxes  
with maps, and now I have this one.

 **JOEY**

Oh. Well, what's in there?

 **MICHELLE**

Another map.

 **JOEY**

Where does it lead?

 **MICHELLE**

Probably to another box.

 **JOEY**

Let's follow it and see.

 _ **[Fast forward again]**_

 **Michelle and Joey run around the house, following the map.**

 **They stop in the garden.**

 _ **[Fast forward stops again]**_

 **MICHELLE**

Here. This is where it stops.

 **JOEY**

Start digging. Let's see if there's another box.

 **Michelle gets a shovel and she and Joey dig up a big box.**

 **MICHELLE**

Wow. This one's _huge!_

 **JOEY**

Lift it out.

 **Michelle and Joey lift out the box.**

 **MICHELLE**

Oh. It's locked. Great.

 **Joey tries to open the box.**

 **JOEY**

Yeah. Danny!

 **Danny runs out.**

 **DANNY**

What's wrong, Joey? What are you doing?

 **JOEY**

Think you can open this box?

 **DANNY**

Yeah, let me...

 **Danny suddenly stops and stares at the box.**

 **JOEY**

Danny?

 **Danny crouches down in front of the box.**

 **MICHELLE**

Dad, are you okay?

 **DANNY**

Um...yeah. I'm fine. Jesse!

 **Jesse runs out. (funny how they're all conveniently just outside that door, eh?)**

 **JESSE**

Danny, you called?

 **DANNY**

Jesse, do you remember that box?

 **JESSE**

Oh, yeah. Michelle showed me that  
earlier...Wait a minute...

 **Jesse examines the box.**

 **JESSE**

Oh...man...

 **MICHELLE**

What? What's wrong?

 **DANNY**

Uh... Michelle, honey, wait here. I think  
I might still have the key.

 **Danny runs into the house.**

 **MICHELLE**

Am I missing something?

 **Danny runs back out after a minute.**

 **DANNY**

Give me the box, honey.

 **Danny takes the box and unlocks it with the key.**

 **They look inside.**

 **Michelle takes out a picture frame.**

 **MICHELLE**

Who's this?

 **DANNY**

That's...that's your mommy.

 **MICHELLE**

It is?

 **DANNY**

Yeah. Isn't she pretty?

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah. Why are there so many  
pictures of her in this box?

 **Danny and Jesse glance at each other.**

 **They hear the door close.**

 **STEPH**

Dad?! Where is everyone?

 **JOEY**

We're out here, Steph.

 **Stephanie comes outside (with blonde hair =)**

 **STEPH**

Hey, what are we doing out here?

 **Stephanie notices the pictures.**

 **STEPH**

Is that...is that mom?

 **Danny nods.**

 **STEPH**

Why are all her photos in that box?

 **DANNY**

Okay. Look, girls. When your mom...well,  
after the car accident, you know,  
I was very...sad, and angry, and whenever I saw her  
pictures around the house...it made me even more sad.  
So, I...I took them all down and locked them  
in this box and buried them. I completely forgot  
they were here until now.

 **MICHELLE**

Wow.

 **Nicky and Alex come outside.**

 **NICKY**

Did you find the treasure?

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah. Look.

 **Nicky and Alex peer inside the box.**

 **ALEX**

But it's just pictures.

 **NICKY**

I thought it was money.

 **ALEX**

Or jewels.

 **NICKY**

Or gummy bears.

 **JESSE**

Oh...this is more special than all the  
money, or jewels, or...gummy bears in the world.

 **DANNY**

Treasure don't have to be those kinds of things.  
The real treasures in life don't cost anything.  
They're the people around you. Your friends  
and family.

 **STEPH**

Dad, that's so _cheesy._

 **DANNY**

But it's true.

 **Nicky and Alex are confused.**

 **ALEX**

If you say so.

 **STEPH**

Hey, dad, do you think we could put  
these pictures back up?

 **Danny smiles.**

 **DANNY**

I think that's a great idea, Steph.

 **They all start talking about the pictures and laughing. =D**

 **-END TUNE-**


	4. Ep 4- Honey, I'm Home!

**A/N: Hey, people. DID Y'ALL SEE THAT PRICELESS APRIL FOOLS PRANK ON NETFLIX?! #JOHNSTAMOSFTW! Anyway. This one is a little shorter, so don't get mad. Do you guys have any idea how annoying it is to write D.J.'s name? She has a capital D, and then a dot...and then a capital J... you get the picture. Hope you like it!**

 **P.S. (Obviously I don't own anything)**

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode Four**

 **Honey, I'm Home!**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Michelle walks into the living room.**

 **Nicky and Alex follow her.**

 **MICHELLE**

Guys, stop following me around.

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Guys, stop following me around.

 **MICHELLE**

Come on, it's annoying.

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Come on, it's annoying.

 **Michelle groans.**

 **Nicky and Alex groan.**

 **The phone rings.**

 **Danny runs downstairs.**

 **DANNY**

Hello? D.J.?...Oh, hello, Mr. Strowbridge.  
Yes, Rebecca's here. Hold on. Becky!

 **Becky runs downstairs.**

 **BECKY**

Thanks. Hello? Yes, Mr. Strowbridge.

 **Danny slumps on the couch.**

 **DANNY**

Oh, why hasn't D.J. called yet?  
She promised to call once every month.

 **Becky hangs up. (that's it? what did he want that took less than ten seconds?)**

 **BECKY**

I'm sure she'll call soon.

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah.

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Yeah.

 **MICHELLE**

Stop copying me.

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Stop copying me.

 **MICHELLE**

Dad!

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Dad!

 **Michelle storms out of the living room.**

 **Nicky and Alex storm after her.**

 **The phone rings again.**

 **DANNY**

D.J.!

 **Danny jumps up and answers the phone.**

 **DANNY**

Hello?... Oh, hi, Gia. Hold on. Steph!

 **Stephanie runs downstairs.**

 **Stephanie takes the phone from Danny.**

 **STEPH**

Hey, Gia. What's up? What? No  
way! I thought he dumped her.

 **Danny groans and sits back down.**

 **The upstairs phone rings.**

 **Danny runs up and answers.**

 **DANNY**

D.J.? Oh, Aaron. When did you get a phone?  
Yeah, she's downstairs. Michelle!

 **Michelle comes up.**

 **Nicky and Alex follow.**

 **MICHELLE**

Who is it?

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Who is it?

 **DANNY**

Aaron.

 **Michelle takes the phone.**

 **MICHELLE**

Hi, Aaron.

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Hi, Aaron.

 **MICHELLE**

Ignore them.

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Ignore them.

 **Danny leaves.**

 **The downstairs phone rings. Again.**

 **DANNY**

Someone else can get that. D.J.'s  
not going to call.

 **BECKY**

 **(from downstairs)** Hello? D.J.!

 **Everyone runs downstairs.**

 **BECKY**

How are you?

 **Everyone yelling and grabbing for the phone.**

 **BECKY**

Oh, yeah. What? No, Danny hasn't given your  
room away. Why? Ow. What? Ow.  
Oh, okay. Everyone relax!

 **Everyone steps back.**

 **Becky gives the phone to Danny.**

 **DANNY**

Hello? D.J.? Hi, honey. How are you? Yeah.  
We're all great. What? Really? That's wonderful!  
When? Great. Sure. I know. Okay. Yeah.  
Bye, honey. See you soon.

 **Danny hangs up.**

 **MICHELLE**

What did she say?

 **NICKY & ALEX**

What did she say?

 **DANNY**

She said she's coming to visit!

 **Everyone cheers.**

 **DANNY**

She'll be here tomorrow afternoon.

 **STEPH**

Cool.

 **MICHELLE**

I wonder what she'll bring us.

 **NICKY & ALEX**

I wonder what she'll bring us.

 **DANNY**

Michelle. D.J. is coming to _see_ us,  
not to bring us stuff.

 **MICHELLE**

That's what they all say.

 **NICKY & ALEX**

That's what they all say.

 **MICHELLE**

Dad, make them stop.

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Dad, make them stop.

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

I'm going shopping. I'm going to make D.J.'s  
favorite dinner, Chicken Parmesan.

 **Danny runs out.**

 **STEPH**

I'm going to go switch the lock on her sock  
drawer so I can read her diary.

 **Stephanie runs upstairs.**

 **MICHELLE**

I'm going to watch.

 **Michelle runs after Stephanie.**

 **Stephanie picks the lock on D.J.'s drawer.**

 **STEPH**

I hope she brings us something cool.

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah. Last time she brought us Steve.

 **STEPH**

I wonder what happened to Steve.  
He was a nice guy.

 **MICHELLE**

He took D.J. to the Senior Prom, remember?

 **STEPH**

Yeah, but then we never saw him again.

 **MICHELLE**

Maybe she has a new boyfriend.

 **STEPH**

If she does, we'll find out. _Done_.

 **MICHELLE**

What did you do?

 **STEPH**

I put a new lock on her sock drawer, and I  
have a key. This way, we get free access  
to her diary.

 **Michelle and Stephanie snicker.**

 ** _THAT EVENING- IN THE KITCHEN_**

 **Danny, Jesse, and Joey are in the kitchen.**

 **Danny is making dinner.**

 **DANNY**

I can't believe D.J.'s finally coming home.  
It's been so long since she left...

 **JESSE**

Danny, you're acting like you haven't  
seen her in a decade.

 **DANNY**

That's what it feels like. I wonder if she  
still likes Chicken Parmesan.

 **Danny starts chopping tomatoes.**

 **DANNY**

It'll be so great. We can spend the whole  
evening playing board games as a family.

 **Jesse chuckles.**

 **JESSE**

First she'll have to remember our names.

 **Danny stares at him, wide-eyed.**

 **JESSE**

I'm kidding. Jeez, Danny, relax.

 **DANNY**

But it's possible...What if she doesn't  
remember our names, or who we are?  
She's been gone so long...

 **Danny takes off his apron.**

 **DANNY**

I know, I'll make her a scrapbook.

 **Danny runs off.**

 **JESSE**

Dan- Danny- D- She- Ugh.

 **Jesse chuckles.**

 _ **THE NEXT DAY- IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Everyone is in the living room.**

 **MICHELLE**

Dad! Get in here! She'll be  
here any second!

 **Danny runs into the living room.**

 **DANNY**

Sorry. I had to shove the Chicken Parmesan  
in the oven. Okay, is everything ready?

 **JOEY**

Sure. And D.J.'s never late. She said she'd be  
here at five-thirty. That's in three...two...one...

 **Nothing happens.**

 **JOEY**

Oh. Well, I guess she's a bit off this time.

 **DANNY**

Not to worry. I've put out a large variety of  
board games. We are going to have an entire evening  
of Tanner family fun.

 **Everyone groans.**

 **DANNY**

Oh, come on, guys. We haven't seen D.J.  
in over a month. I want to spend quality  
time with her.

 **BECKY**

Well, okay. I guess we should get warmed up.

 **They all sit down in the couch.**

 **[Time lapse]**

 **Ticking sound in the background.**

 **Everyone playing monopoly.**

 **Tick.**

 **Everyone playing go fish.**

 **Tock.**

 **Everyone playing Twister.**

 **Tick.**

 **Everyone singing and playing guitars.**

 **Tock.**

 **Everyone hitting around a balloon, looking really bored.**

 **DANNY**

Where is she?!

 **BECKY**

I'm sure she's on her way.

 **DANNY**

She was supposed to be here forty-five  
minutes ago!

 **BECKY**

She's probably stuck in traffic.

 **STEPH**

Maybe she forgot to come.

 **They hear a knock on the door.**

 **JOEY**

Finally. Everyone in positions.

 **Danny opens the door.**

 **EVERYONE TOGETHER**

Welcome home!...

 **Kimmy walks in. (remember her?)  
**

 **KIMMY**

Hola Tanneritos!

 **STEPH**

No! It's Kimmy Gibbler!

 **KIMMY**

Wow! A welcome home party, for me?  
You shouldn't have!

 **MICHELLE**

We didn't. It's for D.J.

 **KIMMY**

Oh. Well, same difference.

 **Kimmy walks over to the coffee table and takes a handful of chips.**

 **KIMMY**

 **(crunching chips)** Pretty good. But I  
like barbecue better.

 **DANNY**

Kimmy, what are you doing here?

 **KIMMY**

I came to see D.J. She called me last night and said  
she's coming home, so I thought I'd stop by. It's  
been so long since we've seen each other.  
At least I rang the doorbell this time.

 **JESSE**

Oh, how _thoughtful_ of you.

 **Kimmy sits down on the couch.**

 **KIMMY**

So where is D.J. anyway?

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

I don't know. She hasn't come yet.

 **KIMMY**

Ooooh. You got stood up by your  
own daughter?

 **Danny gives Kimmy a look.**

 **The doorbell rings again.**

 **DANNY**

Oh, that _must_ be her.

 **Danny opens the door.**

 **EVERYONE TOGETHER**

Welcome home!...

 **Steve walks in. (remember _him_?)  
**

 **Everyone groans.**

 **STEVE**

Wow. What a welcome.

 **JESSE**

Steve, my man! What's shaking?

 **STEVE**

Oh, I just heard that D.J. was here.  
I wanted to see her. Where is she?

 **JOEY**

We don't know. She was supposed to be  
here a long time ago.

 **STEVE**

You daughter stood you up?

 **KIMMY**

My words exactly.

 **JESSE**

Well, technically, those weren't your exact words...  
See, you said, you got stood up by your own  
daughter, but Steve said, Your daughter stood  
you up. Those two sentences have different  
verb placement...

 **Everyone stares at Jesse.**

 **JESSE**

Uh...Gee, I wonder where D.J. could be.

 **DANNY**

Well, would you like to join us? We were about to  
start another round of Go Fish.

 **JESSE**

We were?

 **Danny elbows him.**

 **STEVE**

Speaking of fish, I think I'll go raid the kitchen  
and snack. I haven't done that in a while.

 **BECKY**

Help yourself. But don't touch the oven, there's  
Chicken Parmesan in there.

 **STEVE**

I'll try.

 **Steve goes into the kitchen.**

 **Just then, the door opens and D.J. comes in.**

 **D.J.**

Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm a bit late-

 **DANNY**

D.J.!

 **Everyone runs over to D.J. and starts greeting her.**

 **D.J. pulls herself away from everyone and crosses over to the couch.**

 **D.J.**

It's so great to be home.

 **MICHELLE**

Did you bring us anything?

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Did you bring us anything?

 **Steve walks into the living room, eating a sandwich.**

 **STEVE**

D.J.!

 **D.J.**

Steve!

 **They hug.**

 **D.J.**

What are you doing here?

 **STEVE**

I just wanted to pop by...you know, and  
see you...maybe take you to dinner...

 **D.J.**

Oh, that's sweet, but I have a boyfriend.

 **STEVE**

You do?

 **D.J.**

Yeah...and didn't we break up?

 **STEVE**

Well, we got back together.

 **D.J.**

Only for Prom night. Then we broke  
up again.

 **STEVE**

Oh. Darn.

 **D.J.**

Speaking of which, I have to go  
call Richard.

 **DANNY**

Well, wait! We have a whole bunch of games  
planned. Don't you want to spend time with us?

 **D.J.**

Oh, sure I do. In a minute.

 **D.J. makes her way upstairs with her suitcase.**

 ** _IN D.J.'S ROOM_**

 **D.J. is sitting on her bed, talking on the phone.**

 **Stephanie and Michelle come in.**

 **STEPH**

Hey, Deej.

 **D.J. ignores her.**

 **STEPH**

D.J.?

 **MICHELLE**

She's not listening.

 **STEPH**

Come on, D.J. Let's catch up.

 **D.J.**

Could you guys keep it down? I'm talking  
on the phone.

 **MICHELLE**

Gee, we didn't notice.

 **D.J. waves her hand, gesturing for her sisters to leave.**

 **Michelle and Stephanie reluctantly go out of her room.**

 **They go downstairs.**

 **DANNY**

Is she coming?

 **STEPH**

Nope. She's too busy talking on the phone with  
her boyfriend, saying things like 'Oh, Richard,  
I love you _so_ much! You're the _best_ boyfriend  
I ever had!'

 **Steve whimpers.**

 **STEVE**

Did she really say that?

 **STEPH**

No. I just like to tease you.

 **JESSE**

I can't believe this. She's been gone for so long,  
and now that she comes back, she's on the phone  
with her boyfriend.

 **Steve whimpers again.**

 **MICHELLE**

Well, what are we supposed to do?

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Well, what are we supposed to do?

 **MICHELLE**

Guys, stop repeating everything I say!

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Stop repeating everything I say!

 **MICHELLE**

Daddy, make them stop.

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Daddy, make them stop.

 **JESSE**

Boys, can you please stop repeating Michelle?

 **NICKY**

Do we _have_ to?

 **Jesse thinks for a second.**

 **JESSE**

No, I guess not.

 **MICHELLE**

Uncle Jesse!

 **NICKY & ALEX**

Uncle Jesse!

 **JESSE**

Oh, come on, Michelle. They're just having fun.  
Come on, say something funny.

 **MICHELLE**

Here's something funny. Hey, Uncle Jesse  
is that a split end?

 **Jesse jumps off the couch and dashes over to the mirror.**

 **JESSE**

What?! Where? I don't see-

 **He narrows his eyes at Michelle.**

 **JESSE**

Don't _ever_ joke about that.

 **DANNY**

I'm going to the kitchen to check on the chicken.  
Heh. Try saying _that_ three times fast.

 **ALEX**

Check on the chicken...check on the chicken...

 **Nicky and Alex laugh.**

 **Danny rolls his eyes and goes into the kitchen.**

 **KIMMY**

Want to start another round of Go Fish?

 **Everyone groans.**

 **D.J. runs downstairs.**

 **JOEY**

D.J.! Come join us.

 **D.J.**

Oh, sorry, I can't. I promised Richard to meet  
him at the movie theater. Kathy Santoni and  
Tara Meyers will be there, too.

 **DANNY**

But I made your favorite! Chicken Parmesan!

 **D.J.**

Oh, that's okay. We'll just grab a pizza or  
something. Bye.

 **D.J. runs out the door.**

 **STEPH**

How rude.

 **KIMMY**

I thought I was her best friend. Just because  
I have to go to a local college, she forgets  
all about me? How very rude indeed.

 **Danny sighs.**

 _ **THAT NIGHT- IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **Everyone is eating their dinner.**

 **Danny is staring at his plate and not eating.**

 **MICHELLE**

This is good.

 **NICKY & ALEX**

This is good.

 **Michelle groans.**

 **NICKY**

What? We're just agreeing with you.

 **STEPH**

You know, Michelle, when you were little,  
you played the shadow game with me, too.  
It was so annoying.

 **MICHELLE**

Really? How'd you get me to stop?

 **STEPH**

Hey, I can't tell _you_. It's for me to know,  
and you to find out.

 **MICHELLE**

What a big help.

 **NICKY & ALEX**

What a big help.

 **DANNY**

I wish D.J. were here. I didn't even  
get a chance to ask her how college is.

 **BECKY**

She'll be here tonight.

 **DANNY**

Yeah, only if she doesn't sleep over at  
Kathy Santoni's, or Tara Meyers'...or _Richard's._

 **Steve sobs.**

 **STEPH**

Hey, Steve-o, you wanna chill?

 **STEVE**

I just don't get it! What does Richard  
have that I don't?

 **STEPH**

Hopefully a smaller appetite.

 **DANNY**

What do her _friends_ have that we don't?  
Are we not exciting enough?

 **JOEY**

Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.

 **STEPH**

She didn't even write anything in her diary!

 **Everyone looks at her.**

 **STEPH**

Not that I read it...or anything.

 **KIMMY**

At least she remembered your names.

 **DANNY**

Yeah, buy for how long? I better give her  
that scrapbook I made when she comes home.

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

 _If_ she ever comes home.

 _ **AN HOUR LATER- IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **Danny is washing dishes in the dark.**

 **D.J. comes through the back door.**

 **DANNY**

D.J.! You're home! Where have you been?

 **D.J.**

Sorry I'm late. Again. After the movie, we all  
went out for ice cream. Well, good night.

 **DANNY**

Wait.

 **D.J. turns around.**

 **DANNY**

D.J. look. We need to talk.

 **D.J.**

Can't it wait? I told Kathy Santoni I'd tell  
everyone she pierced her tongue.

 **DANNY**

No, it _can't_ wait.

 **They sit down in chairs.**

 **DANNY**

You came home at exactly six twenty-three.  
It is now _twelve forty-nine_. And I haven't  
had any time to talk to you or spend  
time with you at all.

 **D.J.**

Well, I've just been busy...

 **DANNY**

Doing what? D.J., you see your friends everyday.  
But you only come home every once in a while.  
How can you be too busy for your family?

 **D.J.**

I'm sorry. It's just...I told Richard-

 **DANNY**

I planned for us to spend the evening together,  
playing bored games. I even made your favorite dinner,  
which, by the way, is still sitting on the counter.  
I'm sorry If your family is not exciting enough for you,  
but that doesn't mean you have to walk out on us.

 **D.J.**

What are you trying to say, dad?

 **DANNY**

I just...and I know this sounds stupid...  
but I just want to know if you still care about us.  
Or have you moved past us?

 **D.J. looks at him, confused.**

 **D.J.**

Dad, of course I still care about you. Just  
because I wasn't home for one evening,  
doesn't mean I've moved past you. Why are you  
being so _dramatic_?

 **DANNY**

Because you've been gone over a month,  
and you haven't shown any interest in us whatsoever.

 **D.J.**

Oh. I guess I _did_ make it look like that, didn't I?

 **Danny nods.**

 **D.J.**

Well, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your  
feelings. Family should come first no matter what.  
And even if I _am_ an independent woman now,  
I'll never outgrow you guys.

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

I guess it's just hard for me to accept that  
you have your own life now.

 **D.J.**

 **(offended)** Excuse me? I've always had a life.

 **DANNY**

Yeah, but before, most of your life was at home,  
with us. Now that your away at college...I guess  
I just miss you.

 **D.J.**

Well, I miss you, too.

 **They hug.**

 **D.J.**

I promise I'll spend more time with my  
family when I visit, okay?

 **DANNY**

Okay. So what do you say we squeeze in  
some quality time right now?

 **D.J.**

Alright. Kathy Santoni's pierced tongue can wait.  
And we watched a horror movie, so it's not like  
I'm about to fall asleep or anything.

 **Danny gets the cards and a plate of chicken.**

 **DANNY**

Want some?

 **D.J.**

Mm. Yes. We only had ten bucks, so we had  
to split _one_ slice of pizza four ways. I'm starving.

 **Danny laughs as he deals the cards.**

 **DANNY**

So tell me about college...

 **They start talking, while D.J. casually destroys her father at poker. =P**

 **-END TUNE-**

* * *

 **A/N: Well, I guess that wasn't as short as I thought. Oh well. =)**


	5. Ep 5- Two's a Crowd

**A/N: Hey, people. Thanks for all the reviews! This one was inspired by a random 'Arthur' episode. (You know, that kids' show with the weird-looking animals, who were supposed to be children, but could for some reason go out into the streets and do whatever they wanted as if they didn't even have parents?) That one.**

 **The key is to picture all of this happening. Don't just read,** ** _imagine_** **. Anyway, hope you like this one! Reviews would be appreciated!**

 **Oh, by the way, check out the end of this episode for a question of the week. Whoever answers first will get a shout-out. =)**

 **P.S. (Pretty sure I don't own anything.)**

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode Five**

 **Two's a Crowd**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Stephanie and Gia walk in.**

 **GIA**

Isn't he _so_ cute?

 **STEPH**

I know. I totally think he likes me.

 **GIA**

Why would you think that?

 **STEPH**

He said hi to me in science, and in gym he  
said he liked my shoes.

 **GIA**

So? Just because Jack likes your shoes,  
doesn't mean he likes _you_.

 **STEPH**

I was wearing plain brown keds. He was  
obviously trying to make conversation.

 **GIA**

 _Or_ he simply likes plain brown keds.

 **STEPH**

I'm telling you, Gia. He likes me.  
You know what I heard?

 **GIA**

What?

 **STEPH**

I heard he said he's going to invite  
me to the movies tomorrow.

 **GIA**

You did not.

 **STEPH**

Well, maybe not _personally_ , but I heard Andrew  
tell Michael that Kirk saw Paul say it to Jack.

 **GIA**

Wow. That's great.

 **They go into the kitchen, where Michelle is sitting with a stack of envelopes and markers.**

 **STEPH**

Hey, Michelle, Are you finished making  
your invitations yet?

 **MICHELLE**

Almost. I can't wait for my birthday party. It's  
gonna be so cool. Did you know all of Aunt Becky's  
brothers and sisters are coming?

 **STEPH**

Uh, yeah. You told us. How many does she have again?

 **MICHELLE**

Five brothers and four sisters.

 **GIA**

Well, I gotta get going. I'll see you  
tomorrow. Bye, _little Michelle_.

 **MICHELLE**

Bye, _big Gia_.

 **Gia makes a face and leaves.**

 **Jesse walks in.**

 **JESSE**

Hey, Michelle. I talked to my band, and I  
got them booked for your party.

 **MICHELLE**

Thanks, Uncle Jesse. Now my party's gonna rock!

 **JESSE**

Oh, and your dad called. He said he's going to  
take you shopping for decorations as soon  
as he gets home.

 **MICHELLE**

Awesome. I hope all my friends can come.

 **JESSE**

Who are you inviting?

 **MICHELLE**

Only a few kids from my class. Teddy, Aaron, Lisa,  
Derek, Denise, Sophie, Jamie, Lenny, Karen, Florence, Dylan,  
Ashley, Lauren, Michael, Adam, Sydney, David-

 **JESSE**

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We can't even _fit  
_ that many people in this house.

 **MICHELLE**

We already have nine people living here.  
A few more won't make a difference.

 **Jesse rolls his eyes.**

 **The door opens and Danny walks in.**

 **DANNY**

Hey, Michelle, not done those invitations yet?

 **MICHELLE**

Not yet, I still gotta do Florence, Dylan, Ashley,  
Lauren, Michael, Adam, Sydney, David-

 **DANNY**

Uh...Exactly how many kids are you inviting?

 **MICHELLE**

Only Twenty-eight.

 **DANNY**

That is _way_ too many kids Michelle.

 **MICHELLE**

If it helps, Dylan, Adam, and David are  
Ashley's older brothers.

 **DANNY**

I _thought_ I said fifteen to twenty.

 **MICHELLE**

Well, I _wanted_ to only invite Denise, Teddy, Aaron,  
Lisa, and Derek, but then Sophie asked me, and since  
she's friends with Karen, I had to invite them both, and  
then Karen's older sister told Florence's older brother,  
who told Florence, who told Ashley, Sydney, and Lauren,  
so I had to invite them, too. And then Lenny and Jamie  
heard us talking, so they asked to come. So eventually,  
the entire fourth grade heard, and they all wanted to come,  
except Michael, who never talks. And since Michael is  
always alone and he has no friends, I figured I  
might as well invite him, too.

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

Well, then I guess I'll have to buy a lot more pizza.

 **MICHELLE**

Okay, but make sure it's the gluten-free kind, since  
Jamie and Florence are allergic to gluten, and it can't  
have any pepperoni, because Karen's mom will give  
you a lecture on not murdering innocent animals, and  
no vegetables either, because Sydney's little sister, Kate,  
is scared of anything green, red, brown, and round.  
Oh, and make sure you don't get any red drinks, because  
I'm pretty sure Lenny is a vampire. And if Michael goes  
near a peanut, he'll die.

 **Danny stares at her.**

 **DANNY**

Uh...I'll keep that in mind, honey.

 **MICHELLE**

Thanks, Daddy.

 **DANNY**

Now, come on. We've got some decorations to buy.

 _ **IN A PARTY STORE**_

 **Danny and Michelle walk into the store.**

 **MICHELLE**

Wow, look at all the balloons and streamers!

 **DANNY**

We're going to need balloons and  
streamers, so pick some out.

 **Michelle leaves Danny and goes over to the balloon aisle.**

 **Aaron appears around the corner. (remember him?)**

 **MICHELLE**

Oh, hi, Aaron.

 **AARON**

Hi, Michelle. What are you doing here?

 **MICHELLE**

Getting decorations for my party.  
What are _you_ doing here?

 **AARON**

Shopping for _my_ party. Are you coming?

 **MICHELLE**

You bet. Will you come to mine?

 **AARON**

Okay. I'll give you an invitation at  
school tomorrow.

 **MICHELLE**

Me too. Bye.

 **AARON**

See ya.

 **Michelle takes a package of balloons and goes back to Danny.**

 **Michelle sees Danny in the cleaning supplies aisle, trying to balance a pile of detergents in one arm.**

 **DANNY**

Hey, Michelle. Did you find what you  
were looking for?

 **Michelle gives him a look.**

 **DANNY**

Well, you _know_ how messy nine-year-olds can be.

 **Michelle rolls her eyes.**

 _ **IN D.J.'S OLD BEDROOM**_

 **Stephanie goes over to the phone to call Gia.**

 **Stephanie dials and waits...**

 **GIA (from over the phone)**

Hey, Jack.

 **Jack (from over the phone)**

Hi, Gia.

 **GIA**

I just wanted to ask you, are you busy  
tomorrow after school?

 **Stephanie listens intently. (in other words, eavesdrops.)**

 **JACK**

Well, I was gonna go to the movies, why?

 **GIA**

Well, I thought maybe we could hang out.

 **JACK**

Oh...okay, I guess. Just us?

 **GIA**

Yeah, sure.

 **JACK**

Well, I kinda wanted to hang out with Stephanie.

 **GIA**

Well, she could come too.

 **JACK**

Okay. We can all hang out at my house.

 **GIA**

Cool. See you tomorrow.

 **Jack and Gia hang up.**

 **STEPH**

(to herself) I didn't even know our phone  
could do three-way calls.

 **JESSE**

Hey, Steph! Where are you?!

 **Stephanie puts down the phone and runs down to the basement, where her uncle is.**

 **STEPH**

What's up?

 **JESSE**

Look, I need your help. My band cancelled  
on me. They can't play at Michelle's party.

 **STEPH**

Oh. Well, it's just a nine-year-old's party.  
I'm sure no one will mind too much.

 **JESSE**

Ah, maybe not, but I don't want  
to disappoint her.

 **Stephanie thinks for a second.**

 **STEPH**

Hey, I got an idea. Why don't I get Girl Talk to  
play. We've been working on a new song.  
And I'm pretty sure playing 'Happy Birthday'  
won't be hard.

 **JESSE**

You guys are still a thing? Even after that  
whole 'Young Talent Search' situation?

 **STEPH**

Hay, we played 'I Saw The Sign'. Our sign  
was that we needed to work harder.  
Why give up?

 **JESSE**

Even with Kimmy gone away at college?

 **STEPH**

Oh, don't worry. That was actually a big  
encouragement. We replaced out keyboard  
player a long time ago.

 **JESSE**

You think you could do it on such short notice?

 **STEPH**

Sure. We're all free on Saturday.

 **JESSE**

Oh, thanks, Steph. I owe you one.

 **STEPH**

Really? Hmm, let's see...how about a red Porsche?

 **Jesse gives her a look.**

 **STEPH**

Well, _black_ works, too.

 **JESSE**

How about, like, two bucks?

 **STEPH**

Deal.

 _ **THE NEXT MORNING- IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **Everyone is eating breakfast.**

 **Michelle runs downstairs...**

 **MICHELLE**

Hi.

 **...grabs a bagel...**

 **MICHELLE**

Bye.

 **...and runs out the door.**

 **DANNY**

Uh- wait! Michelle, why are you in such a rush?

 **MICHELLE**

Gotta hand out invitations!

 **Michelle slams the door.**

 **ALEX**

Why don't _we_ get a party? It's our birthday, too.

 **JESSE**

Well, you're sharing Michelle's. Kinda like a three-in-one.

 **NICKY**

Can we invite our friends?

 **JESSE**

Like who?

 **NICKY**

Max.

 **JESSE**

Oh, sure.

 **ALEX**

Really?

 **JESSE**

Yeah, Max can come. It's his _father_  
who can't come. Or his _mother_.

 **ALEX**

Why not?

 **JESSE**

Well, his mother probably still has a crush  
on me, and his father is just a son of a-

 **BECKY**

 _Okay_! Why don't we just eat our  
breakfast in _peace_ , shall we?

 **Becky shoots Jesse a look, but he just puts on an innocent face.**

 _ **AT DIMAGGIO JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL**_

 **Stephanie is at her locker, getting her books for her next class, when Gia comes up to her.**

 **GIA**

Hey, Steph. Are you busy tonight?

 **STEPH**

 **(sarcastic)** Oh, well, I _was_ , but I got a  
hunch that Jack has other plans.

 **GIA**

Yeah, actually, he invited me over to his house.  
You wanna join us?

 **STEPH**

 _He_ invited you?

 **Gia nods.**

 **Stephanie sighs.**

 **STEPH**

Okay. Whatever.

 **GIA**

Great. I guess you're not the _only_ one he likes...

 **Gia turns and walks away.**

 **Stephanie glares and shakes her head.**

 ** _AT FRASER STREET ELEMENTARY SCHOOL_**

 **Michelle is handing out her invitations.**

 **MICHELLE**

There. All that's left is Aaron. Where is he?

 **TEDDY**

Over there.

 **Michelle spots Aaron also handing out invitations, and goes over to him.**

 **MICHELLE & AARON**

Wanna come to my party?

 **AARON**

Okay. When is it?

 **MICHELLE**

Saturday, from one to three. I can't wait.

 **AARON**

One to three?! But that's when _my_ party is!

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah, but mine's on Saturday.

 **AARON**

So is mine!

 **MICHELLE**

November seventh?

 **AARON**

Yeah!

 **MICHELLE**

What?!

 **AARON**

You stole my birthday!

 **MICHELLE**

 _I_ didn't steal your birthday, _you_  
stole _my_ birthday!

 **TEDDY**

How do you even steal someone's birthday?

 **MICHELLE**

Can't you change it to another day?

 **AARON**

No way! My dad rented a snow cone  
machine and a live magician!

 **MICHELLE**

Well, I can't change mine either! All my  
aunts and uncles are visiting from Nebraska!

 **TEDDY**

How many do you have?

 **MICHELLE**

Nine.

 **TEDDY**

You have _nine_ aunts and uncles?!

 **MICHELLE**

Twelve, actually. But only nine of them live in  
Nebraska. Well, my Aunt Becky _used_ to live in  
Nebraska, but then she moved out her to do  
Wake Up, San Fransisco with my dad-

 **AARON**

Yeah, yeah. We get it. Well then, I guess  
everyone's just gonna have to chose  
which party to go to.

 **Michelle and Aaron glare at each other.**

 ** _DURING RECESS- ON THE PLAYGROUND_**

 **The girls and boys are separated into two groups.**

 **LISA**

I think, as girls, we should stick together  
and all go to Michelle's party.

 **DENISE**

Yeah. Who needs boys!

 **MICHELLE**

But I wanted _all_ my friends to come.

 **LISA**

Yeah, but the boys will want to go  
to Aaron's party. He's got a real magician.

 **SOPHIE**

Yeah. His party sounds fun...

 **Michelle gives her a look.**

 **SOPHIE**

But, uh, yours sounds...even _funner._

 **DENISE**

Even if the boys don't come, it'll be  
great. I think.

 **The girls glare over at the boys.**

 **The boys just stick their tongues out.**

 **Michelle sighs.**

 _ **AT JACK'S HOUSE**_

 **Jack, Gia, and Stephanie enter Jack's apartment.**

 **JACK**

This is my apartment. My parents aren't home,  
so we can do pretty much whatever we want.

 **GIA**

Great. We should get started on our  
homework. Geography or English?

 **JACK**

What? Seriously? I thought you were the _bad_ girl.  
You know, ditched classes...didn't do homework...Now,  
we're alone in an apartment and you want to do  
 _Geography_? I'm impressed, Gia Mahan.

 **Gia giggles.**

 **JACK**

Okay, we better do Geography first,  
it's due on Tuesday.

 **GIA**

Okay.

 **JACK**

Uh, Steph? Do you mind, like, watching  
TV or something until we're done?

 **Stephanie sighs.**

 **STEPH**

 **(sarcastic)** Sure, why not? Not like I have  
anything better to do than to wait  
while two eight-graders do Geo homework...

 **JACK**

What's that?

 **STEPH**

Hm? Oh, nothing.

 **Stephanie sits down in front of the couch, while Jack and Gia start working on their project.**

 **GIA**

So, are you into sports?

 **JACK**

Oh, yeah, I'm on the baseball team.

 **STEPH**

You know, I was on the baseball team once-

 **GIA**

Do you like animals?

 **JACK**

I got six turtles.

 **STEPH**

You know, I have a dog-

 **GIA**

 _Six_ turtles?! Wow. Where are they?

 **JACK**

Come on. I'll show you, they're in my room.

 **Jack and Gia go into the Jack's room, leaving Steph in the living room.**

 **Stephanie sighs again.**

 **STEPH**

How Rude.

 _ **AFTER SCHOOL- IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **Michelle runs in.**

 **DANNY**

Hey, Michelle, did you give out your invitations?

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah, but I don't think anyone's gonna come.

 **DANNY**

Why not?

 **MICHELLE**

Aaron's party is on the same day and the same time!  
And he has a magician _and_ a snow cone machine!  
All _I_ have is nine aunts and uncles from Nebraska.

 **DANNY**

Oh. Well, I'm sure some of your friends will still come.

 **MICHELLE**

No, they won't! You should be happy. You didn't  
want so many people to come, and  
now _no one's_ gonna come!

 **Michelle runs up the stairs.**

 **Danny takes a deep breath.**

 **Stephanie stomps in.**

 **DANNY**

Steph, what's wrong?

 **STEPH**

Ooh, I hate that Gia. She knew I liked Jack,  
but she stole him from me!

 **DANNY**

 **(confused)** Oh. Uh...how rude of her.

 **STEPH**

Exactly what I said.

 **Stephanie stomps upstairs.**

 **Jesse stomps into the kitchen.**

 **DANNY**

What's _your_ problem?

 **JESSE**

Oh, nothing. I just misplaced my  
comb, Mr. Goodpart. Why?

 **DANNY**

Can I talk to you?

 **Jesse does his sliding-on-the-countertop thing.**

 **JESSE**

Sure, what's up?

 **DANNY**

Michelle thinks that none of her friends  
will come to her party.

 **JESSE**

What? Why not?

 **DANNY**

Apparently, Aaron Bailey is having a party on  
the same date and time. And he's got a  
magician and a snow cone machine.

 **JESSE**

Oh, I always knew that kid was trouble.  
Well, let's just get all that stuff for Michelle.

 **DANNY**

No, I have a better idea.

 **Danny starts whispering his plan to Jesse.**

 _ **IN STEPHANIE AND MICHELLE'S BEDROOM**_

 **Michelle is doing her homework when Stephanie walks in.**

 **STEPH**

Hey, Michelle.

 **MICHELLE**

I hate boys.

 **STEPH**

Tell me about it. They pretend to like you, but  
then they let themselves get taken so easily.

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah. And they _pretend_ to be your friend, but  
then they decide to have their birthday party  
on the same day as you, so no one will come.

 **STEPH**

What are you talking about?

 **MICHELLE**

Did you know that Aaron's birthday was  
November 7th, too?

 **STEPH**

Oh. Cool, you guys are twins.

 **Michelle glares at her.**

 **STEPH**

I mean, uh, that's horrible. But who  
cares? _One_ kid won't be there.

 **MICHELLE**

Not just one kid. Aaron has a live magician,  
and a snow cone machine. No one's gonna come  
to _my_ party.

 **STEPH**

Well, look on the bright side. Maybe the  
magician will make Aaron disappear.

 **Michelle glares at her again.**

 **STEPH**

Oh, I'm sure your best friends will come.

 **MICHELLE**

Aaron _was_ one of my best friends.  
Now he's just a birthday thief.

 **STEPH**

And Gia _was_ one of _my_ best friends,  
but now she's just a boyfriend thief.

 **They sigh at the sad unfairness of life.**

 _ **SATURDAY MORNING- IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **Jesse and Danny walk into the kitchen together.**

 **DANNY**

Did you call all of Michelle's friends?

 **JESSE**

Yeah, and I left Aaron a message in his  
answering machine. Everything is perfect to go.

 **Stephanie runs into the kitchen.**

 **STEPH**

Michelle's party is totally _ruined_!

 **JESSE**

Guess I spoke too soon.

 **DANNY**

What's wrong, Steph?

STEPH

Gia just called and said she can't make it.  
Our band won't work with three people!

 **DANNY**

Why can't Gia make it?

 **STEPH**

She's going to the movies with Jack.

 **JESSE**

Who's Jack?

 **STEPH**

This guy I liked, until Gia ripped him right out of  
my hands. And now she'd rather hang out with  
him than hang out with _me_. I can't believe her!

 **DANNY**

Oh, I'm sure she'll come around. We can  
just play 'Happy Birthday' on the radio. Come on,  
help us set up.

 **They go into the living room and see Michelle sitting on the couch, looking glum.**

 **JESSE**

Michelle, why are you just sitting there like  
a log? Come on, we got a party to set up.

 **They start putting up decorations.**

 **MICHELLE**

Face it. No one's coming. We might as  
well return all the decorations.

 **DANNY**

Oh, I think you'll be surprised how many  
people come. No, go. Put on your party dress.

 **MICHELLE**

Okay. But don't say I didn't warn you.

 **DANNY**

I won't.

 **Michelle goes upstairs.**

 **DANNY**

I won't have to.

 **STEPH**

Huh? How do you know?

 **DANNY**

Don;t tell Michelle, but I called all her friends'  
parents, and told them that Aaron's party had been  
moved to our house. And I called Aaron's parents and  
they agreed to bring over the magician and the snow  
cone machine. Aaron and Michelle don't know about it.  
We want it to be a surprise.

 **STEPH**

Wow. That was nice of you. I'm just  
sorry we can't give good entertainment.

 **JESSE**

Ah, that's okay. The magician can handle that.

 **STEPH**

Oh, great.

 **JESSE**

Instead, _you_ can help clean up afterwards.

 **Stephanie groans.**

 **Michelle comes back downstairs, wearing a pink dress.**

 **DANNY**

Oh, don't you look cute.

 **MICHELLE**

I guess.

 **JESSE**

Aw, cheer up, Michelle. Even if your friends  
don't come, you'll have a great time.

 **Michelle flops onto the couch.**

 **MICHELLE**

Whatever. They're already half an hour late.

 **Just then, the door opens, and Michelle's friends come in.**

 **MICHELLE'S FRIENDS**

Surprise!

 **MICHELLE**

Wha- what are you guys doing here?  
I thought you were all going to Aaron's party.

 **TEDDY**

We were, but your dad said that the  
party was moved here.

 **The magician comes in.**

 **MICHELLE**

What is _he_ doing here?

 **DANNY**

We got Aaron's parents to bring him over.

 **MICHELLE**

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

 **Michelle hugs her father.**

 **DEREK**

Aaron should be arriving at any moment.

 **MICHELLE**

How'd you get Aaron to come? I thought  
he hated me now.

 **DANNY**

I told him you had a surprise for him.

 **The door opens again, and Aaron comes in.**

 **AARON**

What-

 **MICHELLE'S FRIENDS**

Surprise!

 **AARON**

Huh?

 **MICHELLE**

Your party was moved here.

 **AARON**

What? Why?

 **JESSE**

So you can spend your birthday with _all_  
your friends. That's what celebrations are all about.

 **DANNY**

Yeah, sharing a birthday should bring  
you closer together, not father apart.

 **The door opens, and all of Becky's brothers and sisters come clamoring in, followed by Joey, who is carrying a pile of luggage.**

 **JOEY**

 **(panting)** I picked 'em all up from the airport.

 **Becky comes running in.**

BECKY

Aaah! Connie! Carrie! Laurie! Annie!  
Sebastian! Corky! Mitchell! Dylan! Evan! Glad you  
could all make it!

 **They all hug each other.**

 **JESSE**

Alright! Let's get this party started!

 _ **AN HOUR LATER- DURING THE PARTY**_

 **The kids are playing, the grown-ups are chatting about boring politics or something; all in all, fun party scene. Stephanie is sitting in a chair, and the rest of the band, minus Gia, are hanging around.**

 **Just then, Gia enters through the door.**

 **STEPH**

Gia. What are you doing here?

 **GIA**

Steph, I am so sorry. I never should have tried  
to take Jack away from you. Friends again?

 **STEPH**

Wait, wait, wait. How did you even  
know I was mad at you?

 **GIA**

Well...when I told you I couldn't come to  
Michelle's party, you called be a horrible friend  
and a boyfriend thief and slammed down the phone.

 **STEPH**

Oh. Right. Sorry about that. But I just...well,  
you're pretty, and popular, and you get guys  
pretty easily. I don't.

 **GIA**

Sure you do! Guys are always talking about  
how pretty you are. Trust me, when you  
grow...up a little more, guys will be **all** over you.

 **Stephanie smiles.**

STEPH

Thanks, Gia.

GIA

So now. Friends again?

STEPH

Friends.

 **They shake hands.**

 **JOEY**

Okay! Everyone gather round.  
It's time for birthday cake.

 **Jesse turns off the lights, and Danny comes out from the kitchen, holding a brightly lit cake.**

 **EVERYONE TOGETHER**

Happy birthday to you...Happy birthday to you...  
happy birthday dear Michelle, Aaron-

 **ALEX**

Alex and Nicky...

 **EVERYONE TOGETHER**

Happy birthday to you!

 **Michelle and Aaron blow out the candles together.**

 **Everyone cheers.**

 **Danny goes over to Michelle.**

 **DANNY**

No gluten, no pepperoni, no peanuts, and nothing,  
red, green, brown, or round. Well, except for the candle  
shaped like a nine. Couldn't find any square ones.

 **MICHELLE**

Thanks, Daddy.

 **Aaron gives them a weird look. (those Tanners, right?)  
**

 **MICHELLE**

What did you wish for?

 **AARON**

A superman action figure.  
What did _you_ wish for?

 **MICHELLE**

I wished that we'll always be friends  
and never fight _ever_ again.

 **Aaron smiles.**

 **JESSE**

Alright, I'll cut the cake. Here, Steph,  
pass out the plates...

 **They start passing out cake and laughing. =P**

 **-END TUNE-**

* * *

 **Question of the Week: What was John Stamos' character originally going to be named?**

 **(And you can't search it up!) =)**


	6. Ep 6- Not So Single

**A/N: Hey people. Thanks for the reviews! It means a lot to me that people like what I write. And even if you _don't_ like it, let me know. Anything is better than nothing. =) Now, last week's Question Of The Week winner was ****iloveheartland7** **. Congratulations! But thanks to all those who participated! And also, if you have the answer for the Question of the Week, and you don't have an account, then please _say_ your name so I won't have to put 'Guest'. There's another question at the end of the episode! **

**And have you** ** _seen_** **Jodie Sweetin's Dancing With The Stars routines? She's awesome! (just saying)**

 **P.S. (Well, I don't own anything, but I think you already knew that.)**

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode Six**

 **Not So Single**

 _ **IN MICHELLE AND STEPHANIE'S ROOM**_

 **Michelle and Comet are in Michelle's room.**

 **MICHELLE**

Here, Comet. Roll over.

 **Michelle holds up a treat, which makes Comet roll over.**

 **MICHELLE**

Good boy.

 **Michelle gives the treat to Comet.**

 **MICHELLE**

Let's show Uncle Jesse. Uncle  
Jesse, get in here!

 **Jesse runs into Michelle's room.**

 **JESSE**

What is it? We have to get going.

 **MICHELLE**

Watch this.

 **Michelle holds up another treat.**

 **MICHELLE**

Roll over, boy.

 **Comet lies down.**

 **MICHELLE**

Come on, Comet. Roll over.

 **Comet whimpers.**

 **MICHELLE**

What's wrong, boy?

 **JESSE**

Oh, he's probably just tired.

 **MICHELLE**

Well, that's okay. We'll show you later.  
We've been practicing all day. He's getting really  
good at it. Once, he even did it with his eyes closed.

 **JESSE**

Yeah. Well in the meantime, get dressed.  
We're all going to the Smash Club.

 **MICHELLE**

But the prices are kinda high at the Smash Club...

 **JESSE**

You're family. Everything's free.

 **MICHELLE**

Oh. In that case, I'm having three root beers.

 **JESSE**

And I'm having three beers, hold the root.

 **MICHELLE**

I'll be down soon. Don't leave without me.

 **Jesse leaves. (hey Jess, you're niece just told you not to leave. How rude. =)**

 **Michelle pets Comet.**

 **MICHELLE**

You'll be okay, won't you boy? Yeah...

 **Comet whimpers.**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Danny comes downstairs in a suit.**

 **DANNY**

How do I look, Joey?

 **Joey stares at him.**

 **JOEY**

Not like you're going to a _club_ , I'll  
give you that. What's with the tux?

 **DANNY**

It's not a tux, it's a suit.

 **JOEY**

Yeah, and my car isn't a Toyota, it's a  
Ferrari with round headlights.

 **Danny gives him a look.**

 **JOEY**

What's with the fancy act?

 **DANNY**

It's not an act. I just want to...you  
know, show women what Danny Tanner  
is all about.

 **Joey chuckles.**

 **JOEY**

Oh, _please_. You've been single too long. Women  
don't like that kind of stuff, they like men who are funny,  
and easygoing and wear normal clothes. Like, oh...  
well, _me_ for example.

 **DANNY**

Ha. You call those normal clothes? A Scooby-doo  
T-shirt and pants of every pastel color  
known to mankind?

 **JOEY**

They're more normal than what you're wearing.  
Women hate guys who are all serious.

 **DANNY**

Oh, so you're saying women like guys who  
do cartoon character voices all day?

 **JOEY**

Women happen to _love_ impressions.

 **DANNY**

Oh yeah? Remember Carole Newman in twelfth grade?  
She dumped you because your Bullwinkle  
got on her nerves.

 **JOEY**

Hey, it's not my fault she's had a traumatic  
experience with a moose when she was five.

 **DANNY**

You seriously think that women would  
choose _you_ over _me_?

 **JOEY**

You got that right.

 **DANNY**

Alright, then. We'll make it a bet. Five  
bucks say that I get a girl before you do.

 **JOEY**

Better make it ten. I need a new shelf  
for my Popeye collection.

 **DANNY**

Fine.

 **JOEY**

Fine.

 **They shake on it.**

 **JOEY**

Prepare to get crushed, Mr. Wore-a-tux-on-the-  
first-day-of-college-and-made-himself-the-laughing-  
stock-of-all-the-sororities-for-the-next-two-years.

 **DANNY**

We'll _see_ about that.

 **They turn and see the family by the kitchen door, staring at them.**

 **Danny and Joey glare at each other.**

 _ **AT THE SMASH CLUB**_

 **The family enters the Smash Club.**

 **Danny immediately spots a woman.**

 **DANNY**

Ooh, babe at three o'clock.

 **Danny and Joey run over to the woman.**

 **DANNY**

 **(British accent)** Why hello, lovely young  
lady. Care for a drink?

 **Joey puts his hands on his head in the shape of antlers.**

 **JOEY**

 **(as Bullwinkle)** Oh, no, allow _me_. How  
about a big juicy can of coke?

 **DANNY**

 **(accent)** Well, that's very _generous_ of you, kind sir,  
but I'm sure the lovely young lady would like to spend  
time with a more sophisticated gentleman.

 **The woman stares at them.**

 **JOEY**

 **(Bullwinkle)** Oh, yeah, right. I'm _just_ as gentleman  
as you are. I'm just a more interesting gentleman.

 **Danny scoffs.**

 **DANNY**

 **(accent)** Nonsense. You are but a lowly moose.

 **JOEY**

 **(BW)** In fact, why don't we make it $20?  
Seeing as you're the most _boring_ guy I've ever met.

 **DANNY**

 **(A)** Well, you are unromantic.

 **JOEY**

 **(BW)** Boring.

 **DANNY**

 **(A)** Unromantic.

 **JOEY**

 **(BW)** Boring.

 **DANNY**

 **(A)** Unromantic.

 **JOEY**

 **(BW)** Unromantic isn't even a real word.

 **DANNY**

Is too.

 **JOEY**

Is not.

 **DANNY**

Is too.

 **JOEY**

Is not.

 **DANNY**

Is too.

 **JOEY**

Is not.

 **DANNY**

Say what you want, but this lovely  
young lady is mine.

 **JESSE**

What's with the accents?

 **Joey and Danny turn around, and see Jesse standing beside them with a tray. The woman is nowhere in sight.**

 **DANNY**

Where did the lovely young lady go?

 **JESSE**

What lovely young lady?

 **DANNY**

See, you twit. You fended her off with  
your ridiculous moose voice!

 **JOEY**

Danny, you can stop doing the accent.

 **JESSE**

Look, I don't know _what_ you're doing, but  
whatever it is please quit it. You're scaring  
off my customers.

 **Joey and Danny sigh and reluctantly nod.**

 _ **A WHILE LATER**_

 **DANNY**

We'll just _see_ if unromantic is in the dictionary.

 **JOEY**

How? Don't tell me you've got a dictionary with you.

 **DANNY**

It just so happens that I do.

 **Danny takes out a tiny book.**

 **JOEY**

Well, that just shows how boring you are.  
Who carries a dictionary around?

 **DANNY**

Oh, is carrying comic books around any better?

 **Danny holds up one of Joey's comics.**

 **JOEY**

At least my comic are interesting. Who  
cares if unromantic is a word or not?

 **DANNY**

Hey, you started it. Oh, I can't  
see anything in this light.

 **Joey looks over Danny's shoulder.**

 **JOEY**

Danny, an _ant_ couldn't read that.  
Even in good light.

 **Danny sees a girl with a schoolbag.**

 **DANNY**

Ah-ha. Two points. Babe _and_ book.

 **Danny runs over to the girl and takes her dictionary out of her bag.**

 **DANNY**

Okay, lets' see...un...unro...

 **The girl grabs her book from Danny.**

 **DANNY**

Oh, well, never mind. Are you single?

 **The girl whacks Danny on the shoulder with the dictionary, and walks away.**

 **JOEY**

And you didn't get either the book _or_ the babe.

 **Danny glares at him.**

 **JOEY**

Hey, while we're at it, why not raise the bet even  
more? You're so bad with women...how  
about $40?

 **DANNY**

You're on, Bullwinkle.

 **Camera cuts to Danny and a random woman.**

 **DANNY**

 **(accent)** Care for some coke?

 **WOMAN**

I don't do drugs.

 **The woman leaves Danny.**

 **DANNY**

No, not that kind of coke...ugh.

 **Camera cuts to Joey with another random woman.**

 **JOEY**

 **(Popeye accent)** Would you like a  
spinach smoothie?

 **WOMAN**

Are you trying to _kill_ me? I'm allergic to spinach!

 **The woman runs away.**

 **JOEY**

 **(Popeye)** Allergic to spinach, eh? Hm...

 **Camera cuts to Danny and Joey.**

 **DANNY**

Pick one of us. Me or him? Who  
seems more boyfriend material?

 **The little girl they're talking to stares at them.**

 **Camera cuts to Danny and Joey.**

 **DANNY**

 _Please_ go out with me!

 **Becky gives him a look.**

 **BECKY**

Look, whatever bet you made with Joey, I  
don't think it'll count with your own sister-in-law.

 **JOEY**

 _We're_ not related, want to go out with _me_?

 **Becky looks confused.**

 **DANNY**

What if you divorce with Jesse? Just  
for a few hours.

 **Becky takes a slow breath.**

 **BECKY**

I'm going to go get some coffee...  
and maybe a couple of aspirin...

 _ **A WHILE LATER**_

 **Danny and Joey are sitting at a booth.**

 **JOEY**

This is hopeless. Neither of us are  
having any luck tonight.

 **DANNY**

Sure we are. _Bad_ luck. And you couldn't  
get a girl even with good luck.

 **Joey sighs.**

 **A woman comes over to their booth.**

 **WOMAN**

Hello, I'm Julie Thompson.

 **They shake hands.**

 **DANNY**

Nice to meet you! Can I get  
you something? A coffee maybe?

 **JULIE**

Sure, thanks. I love your tux, by the way.

 **DANNY**

 **(to Joey)** Ha ha. See? My clothing  
style has _appeal._

 **Joey rolls his eyes.**

 **Danny leaves to get coffee.**

 **JULIE**

Wow. A scooby-doo t-shirt.

 **JOEY**

You like scooby-doo?

 **JULIE**

That's my favorite cartoon. Well,  
besides Rocky and Bullwinkle, that is.

 **JOEY**

Really... **(Bullwinkle accent)** Well,  
thank you very much.

 **Julie laughs.**

 **Danny comes back with coffee.**

 **DANNY**

So, Jill, is it?

 **JOEY**

It's Julie.

 **DANNY**

Whatever. Would you like to go  
out to dinner tomorrow night?

 **JULIE**

Well, actually-

 **JOEY**

Or you could go out with me. At  
least _I_ remembered your name.

 **JULIE**

Uh, well-

 **DANNY**

Oh, don't listen to him. He wears  
Bugs Bunny pajamas.

 **JOEY**

At least I don't wear a tux to bed.

 **DANNY**

It is not a _tux_ and I don't wear it in bed!

 **JOEY**

You are so childish. I saw her first.

 **DANNY**

No you didn't.

 **JOEY**

Yes I did.

 **DANNY**

No you didn't.

 **JOEY**

Yes I did.

 **DANNY**

Here, I'll give you my number.

 **JOEY**

I'll give you mine.

 **They both write their phone number on Julie's arm.**

 **JOEY**

There. Let's see who she calls first.

 **JULIE**

But...it's the same number.

 **DANNY**

Oh, yeah. We live together.

 **JULIE**

 _What?_

 **JOEY**

No, no, not in _that_ way...just ask to talk to Joey.

 **DANNY**

Or Danny.

 **JULIE**

Listen guys-

 **Michelle comes over to them.**

 **MICHELLE**

Uncle Jesse said we're going home.

 **DANNY**

Just a minute, Michelle.

 **MICHELLE**

He said get your butt over there _right_ now  
or your walking the whole way through dark streets  
in the middle of the night.

 **Danny and Joey sigh.**

 **JOEY**

Well, we have to go. It was nice meeting you.

 **DANNY**

Call.

 **JOEY**

And remember _, Joey_ , not Danny.

 **DANNY**

Don't listen to him. He has the brains of a moose.

 **JULIE**

Uh, guys! Wait! I-

 **Joey and Danny leave.**

 _ **AT HOME**_

 **The family comes into the house.**

 **JOEY**

Boring.

 **DANNY**

Unromantic.

 **JOEY**

Boring.

 **DANNY**

Unromantic.

 **STEPH**

Is unromantic even a word?

 **JOEY**

See, I told you.

 **DANNY**

She didn't say it _wasn't_ , she asked if it was.  
Maybe she has the brain of a moose like you.

 **STEPH**

Hey!

 **DANNY**

No offense.

 **STEPH**

What's up with you guys? You've  
been arguing since we left.

 **JESSE**

Yeah, and you scared away half  
of the women at the Smash Club.

 **DANNY**

That's Joey's fault. He a girl repellent.

 **JOEY**

Oh, look who's talking.

 **Michelle and Stephanie go upstairs.**

 **JESSE**

Guys, you have to stop this silly fight.  
It's ridiculous.

 **MICHELLE**

Daddy! Uncle Jesse! Joey! Come quick.

 **They all run upstairs.**

 **MICHELLE**

Comets is sick. He hasn't moved since  
we left, and he keeps whimpering.

 **Danny kneels down beside Comet.**

 **DANNY**

Okay, don't worry. Let's see...

 **Danny examines Comet.**

 **DANNY**

He seems fine.

 **MICHELLE**

Are you sure?

 **JOEY**

Of _course_ your father is sure, Michelle.  
He has a license in boring things like this.

 **JESSE**

Come on guys, knock it off.

 **DANNY**

I didn't say anything. He started it.

 **JOEY**

Oh, and you say _I'm_ immature?

 **Nobody notices Comet and Michelle leave the room.**

 **DANNY**

I never said you're immature, I said  
you're unromantic.

 **JOEY**

You said both.

 **DANNY**

No I didn't.

 **JOEY**

Yes you did.

 **DANNY**

No I didn't.

 **JOEY**

Yes you did.

 **Jesse sighs.**

 **DANNY**

No I didn't.

 **JOEY**

Yes you did.

 **DANNY**

No I-

 **MICHELLE**

Dad! Comet just tossed his cookies in the toilet!

 **Danny groans.**

 **DANNY**

I just waxed in there!

 **JOEY**

You wax the toilets?

 **DANNY**

Of course.

 **JOEY**

Ha. My point exactly. You're a neurotic nutcase.

 **JESSE**

Guys, could you please cut it out?  
We have a bigger problem right now.

 **They go into the bathroom, and see Comet lying on the floor.**

 **MICHELLE**

You're going to be okay, Comet. Dad, do something.

 **DANNY**

You know what? I think we should take him to the vet.

 **JOEY**

Oh, sure. It's just like you to overreact.

 **DANNY**

The dog is sick. The logical thing to do  
would be to have him checked out. It's not like  
doing an _impression_ for him will help.

 **JOEY**

They say laughter is the bast medicine.  
It's been scientifically proven.

 **DANNY**

Yeah, by scientist like _you_! Completely  
immature and unprofessional.

 **JOEY**

I am _not_ unprofessional.

 **DANNY**

You're a _comedian_. How  
unprofessionaler can you get?

 **JOEY**

Unprofessionaler is not a word.

 **DANNY**

Is too.

 **JOEY**

Is not.

 **DANNY**

Is too.

 **JOEY**

Is not.

 **DANNY**

Is too.

 **JOEY**

Is not.

 **JESSE**

Alright, _stop_! The dog is sick, and  
we have to do something about it.

 **DANNY**

See, Jesse agrees the dog is sick.

 **JOEY**

I never said the dog wasn't sick.

 **DANNY**

Yes you did.

 **JOEY**

No I didn't.

 **DANNY**

Yes you did.

 **JOEY**

No I didn't.

 **DANNY**

Yes you did.

 **JESSE**

Guys, please! Come on. You're being  
silly. Leave your bickering for later.

 **DANNY**

Jesse's right.

 **JOEY**

Oh, sure. Take _his_ side. You always  
have to be right about everything.

 **DANNY**

No I don't.

 **JOEY**

Yes you do.

 **DANNY**

No I don't.

 **JOEY**

Yes you do.

 **DANNY**

No I don't.

 **JOEY**

Yes you do.

 **DANNY**

No I don't.

 **JESSE**

Listen, if you two don't knock it off,  
someone's _head_ is going down the toilet.

 **MICHELLE**

And I thought me and Steph had big fights.

 _ **DOWNSTAIRS**_

 **They get ready to go to the vet.**

 **DANNY**

Okay, you two get Comet in the car.

 **JOEY**

Where are _you_ going?

 **DANNY**

I have to stand by the phone in case Janet calls.

 **Joey drops Comet's legs, that he was supposed to be carrying.**

 **JOEY**

First of all, her name is Julie, and  
if she calls, she'll want to talk to _me_.

 **DANNY**

No she won't.

 **JOEY**

Yes she will.

 **DANNY**

No she won't.

 **JOEY**

Yes she will.

 **DANNY**

No she won't.

 **JESSE**

Guys! It's almost midnight. No one's  
gonna be calling at this hour. Now come on,  
help me get Comet in the car.

 **Michelle and Stephanie run downstairs.**

 **STEPH**

What's going on?

 **JESSE**

Comet's not feeling well. We're  
taking him to the vet.

 **STEPH**

I want to come.

 **DANNY**

No, no, no. Just go to bed, everyone.

 **JOEY**

 **(to Steph)** Here.

 **He gives Stephanie a dollar bill.**

 **JOEY**

If a Julie Thompson calls, say that  
 _Joey_ has stepped out and will be back shortly.

 **Stephanie rolls her eyes, but takes the money.**

 **MICHELLE**

Can I come?

 **JESSE**

Okay, just get in the car.

 **JOEY**

$60 says that when she calls, she'll want to talk to me.

 **DANNY**

Yeah, right. She won't talk to you.

 **JOEY**

Oh, yes she will.

 **DANNY**

No she won't.

 **JOEY**

Yes she will.

 **DANNY**

No she won't.

 **JOEY**

Yes she will.

 **DANNY**

No she won't...

 **They go out the door.**

 _ **AT THE PET CLINIC**_

 **A vet is checking out Comet.**

 **VET**

I'm not sure what's wrong with  
him. We'll have to do an x-ray.

 **MICHELLE**

But he isn't _that_ sick...

 **VET**

He seems okay, but we just want to make sure.

 **JOEY**

I told you he'd be alright.

 **DANNY**

Oh, _now_ who has to be right all the time?

 **JOEY**

I never said I had to be right all the time.

 **DANNY**

Yes you did.

 **JOEY**

No I didn't.

 **DANNY**

Yes you did.

 **JOEY**

No I didn't.

 **DANNY**

Yes you did.

 **MICHELLE**

Daddy, what's going to happen to Comet?

 **DANNY**

Oh, Michelle. The doctors will find  
out what's wrong with him.

 **MICHELLE**

Hmm. Okay.

 **JESSE**

Well, when did this start?

 **MICHELLE**

When we were practicing that trick.

 **DANNY**

What trick?

 **MICHELLE**

I would hold up a treat, and Comet would roll over.

 **JOEY**

Didn't he already know how to do that?

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah, but now he can do it twice in a row.

 **JESSE**

Wait, wait. Would you _give_ him the treat?

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah.

 **JESSE**

 _Every_ time?

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah...

 **JESSE**

How much did you practice?

 **MICHELLE**

All day. We went through two  
whole bags of treats. He-

 **DANNY**

 _Two whole bags?!_

 **MICHELLE**

Is that a lot?

 **DANNY**

Michelle, those bags are huge! No  
wonder he has an upset stomach!

 **MICHELLE**

Oh. I guess I gave him too much.

 **JESSE**

Yeah. I'll go let the nurse know not to x-ray him.

 **Jesse leaves.**

 _ **BACK HOME**_

 **Danny, Jesse, Joey, and Michelle walk through the door, to find Beck sitting on the couch.**

 **BECKY**

What happened?

 **JESSE**

Oh, he just had too many treats. They're  
keeping him overnight to let him digest or something.

 **JOEY**

Where's Steph? Did Julie call?

 **BECKY**

Oh, yeah. A Julie Thompson called.  
She wanted to speak to Joey-

 **JOEY**

Yes!

 **BECKY**

-or Danny-

 **JOEY**

No!

 **BECKY**

She wanted to tell you something.

 **DANNY**

Oh. Maybe she agreed to that date tomorrow.

 **BECKY**

I'll go tell Steph that Comet's okay.

 **Becky quickly scurries away, not wanting to be part of Danny and Joey's arguing.**

 **JOEY**

No way did she agree to date _you_.

 **DANNY**

Of course she did.

 **JOEY**

Did not.

 **DANNY**

Did too.

 **JOEY**

Did not.

 **DANNY**

Did too.

 **JOEY**

Did not-

 **JESSE**

 _Alright._ Okay, fine. You know what?  
I wasn't gonna go there, but you leave me no  
choice. Alright, _sit_. Both of you. Now.

 **Joey and Danny slowly sit down on the couch.**

 **JESSE**

Okay. You two are being _ridiculous_. You've  
done nothing for the past evening but argue! Now, would  
you mind telling me what's up?

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

We made a bet that whoever gets  
a date first gets sixty bucks.

 **JESSE**

You bet _sixty bucks_ on a date? Why?!

 **JOEY**

We wanted to see who was more desirable.

 **JESSE**

Wha-

 **Suddenly, the doorbell rings.**

 **Danny and Joey start to get up.**

 **JESSE**

 _I'll_ get it. Neither of you move.

 **Jesse goes over and opens the door.**

 **Danny and Joey jump up again.**

 **DANNY**

Janie!

 **JOEY**

 _Julie._ What are you doing here?

 **JESSE**

I though I told you not to move.

 **JULIE**

Okay look. I have to tell you something.

 **JOEY**

How did you know where we live?

 **JULIE**

A girl named Becky told me your address. Now-

 **DANNY**

So are we on for tomorrow?

 **JULIE**

Actually-

 **JOEY**

Or are _we_ on?

 **JULIE**

Uh-

 **DANNY**

Oh, give it up, Joey. She's not your type.

 **JOEY**

Oh, I suppose she's your type? She doesn't _look_  
like a compulsive boring neat freak. But then again,  
I'm probably too _immature_ to know.

 **DANNY**

I am _not_ a neat freak.

 **JOEY**

Are too.

 **DANNY**

Am not.

 **JOEY**

Are too.

 **DANNY**

Am not.

 **JOEY**

Are too.

 **DANNY**

Am not.

 **JULIE**

I'm married.

 **Joey and Danny stare at her.**

 **DANNY**

Huh?

 **JULIE**

That's what I've been trying to tell you.  
I can't go out with either of you. I'm sorry  
if I caused any trouble.

 **DANNY**

Oh, uh... _trouble_? Oh, no, no, of course not.

 **JESSE**

 _Okay_ then. Here's your purse, your coat,  
and there's the door...have a nice evening. Goodbye.

 **Jesse shoves Julie out the door.**

 **JESSE**

Sit back down.

 **Danny and Joey sit.**

 **DANNY**

Wow. We were hitting an a married woman.

 **JOEY**

Yeah.

 **JESSE**

 _Hitting?_ You were practically pounding  
her with a steel bat! And for what, a silly bet?

 **JOEY**

Wow. We were being pretty stupid.

 **JESSE**

Hold on...I don't get it. Why did you  
want to see who's more desirable?

 **JOEY**

Because he said I'm unromantic.

 **DANNY**

He said I'm boring.

 **JESSE**

What? Come on, you guys. You're best friends!

 **Becky comes back downstairs.**

 **JESSE**

And it's not like you're totally dependent on women.  
I mean, they're great and everything, but men are  
fine without them! Who needs women...

 **Becky clears her throat.**

 **Jesse slowly turns around.**

 **JESSE**

...is the name... of a song... yeah...  
cool song... cool lyrics... catchy tune...  
I think I'll go write it.

 **Jesse tries to flee.**

 **BECKY**

Get back here.

 **Jesse walks back to them reluctantly.**

 **JESSE**

Alright. You want to know what women think?  
Here's a woman right here. Becky, who do you  
think is more desirable?

 **BECKY**

To be honest...neither of you.

 **DANNY**

Gee, thanks.

 **BECKY**

No, I mean, you two are great guys  
when you act like yourselves, but you're  
trying _way_ too hard.

 **JOEY**

 _No..._

 **BECKY**

Joey, you even asked _me_ out. Face it. You're desperate.

 **DANNY**

Oh, you're right. We _were_ pretty bad tonight.

 **JESSE**

And look. There's no specific rule for what  
women find desirable. Different women look for different  
things in a man. It's not a competition. And you're  
both pretty _rad_ , if you ask me.

 **Joey lets out a breath.**

 **JESSE**

I'm going to tell you exactly what you told me  
back when I was so desperate. "You don't have to try so hard.  
When the right woman comes along, you really will know it." A  
direct quote from Daniel Earnest Tanner, 1987.

 **Danny chuckles.**

 **JOEY**

Oh, I know. It's just that sometimes  
we forget the most simple things. Thanks for reminding us.

 **Jesse smiles.**

 **DANNY**

You know, Jess, you're not too bad at these dad talks.

 **JESSE**

Hey, I learned from the master.

 **DANNY**

Of course, _I_ always knew all that stuff.

 **JOEY**

Oh, _sure_ you did.

 **DANNY**

I did!

 **JOEY**

Did not.

 **DANNY**

Did too.

 **JOEY**

Did not.

 **DANNY**

Did too.

 **Jesse sighs.**

 **JESSE**

Well, maybe I'm not _that_ good at dad talks...

 **JOEY**

Did not.

 **DANNY**

Did too.

 **JOEY**

Did not.

 **JOEY**

Did too...

 **-END TUNE-**

* * *

 **Who would _you_ rather date? Joey or Danny? (Jesse's not an option, cuz I know most of you would chose him) ;P**

* * *

 **Question of the Week: What was originally going to be the title of 'Full House'? (Like, what was it going to be called?)**

 **(Again, you cannot search it up!)**


	7. Ep 7- High Hopes

**A/N: Hey people. Sorry this one's a bit late. I was busy last night. Winner of last week's Question of the Week is** **Molly** **. Congrats! New one this week, bottom of the episode. So...I know, these might seem a bit boring to you guys, (and if they're not, then great =) but trust me, it gets waaaaay more interesting. I have 25 whole seasons planned, and since I'm a kid who has no life, I'll probably be able to do them all. =P Anyway, the later seasons are much more action-packed, so stay tuned!**

 **Also, did anyone notice how all three Tanner Girls got 'married' before they were even 14? What's up with that? Steve and Harry both ditched their 'wives' because they're moms were making meatloaf. ? (Like, wut?)  
**

 **P.S (I don't own nothing)**

 **Season Nine, Episode Seven**

 **High Hopes**

 _ **AT THE RIDING RING**_

 **Danny is watching Michelle ride around on Peppermill.**

 **Michelle stops in front of Danny.**

 **DANNY**

Wow, Michelle. You've been riding pretty  
hard these days. Do you have a competition coming up?

 **MICHELLE**

Uh...no...I just like riding.

 **DANNY**

Oh. Well, keep up the good work.

 **Michelle rides off.**

 **Camera cuts over to Jesse, Becky, Nicky, and Alex playing in the dirt next to the riding ring.**

 **JESSE**

Hey, Nicky. Come see this.

 **Nicky comes over to his dad.**

 **JESSE**

Do you know what this is?

 **NICKY**

 **(scared)** It's a bug!

 **JESSE**

Yeah. It's a caterpillar. Say hi.

 **NICKY**

Make it go away.

 **JESSE**

Why? Don't you like him?

 **Nicky shakes his head.**

 **Jesse puts down the caterpillar and picks up a snail.**

 **JESSE**

Ooh, look at this.

 **NICKY**

Aahhh!

 **Nicky gets up and runs off.**

 **JESSE**

Uh, wait! Nicky!

 **Nicky runs over to Alex.**

 **NICKY**

Run! Daddy has a bug!

 **They yell and run away.**

 **Becky comes over to Jesse.**

 **BECKY**

What's up with them?

 **JESSE**

Oh, they're just afraid of bugs.

 **BECKY**

Oh, that's silly. Bugs are harmless little-

 **Jesse hold up a snail.**

 **BECKY**

Aah! Get that thing away from me!

 **Jesse chuckles and shakes his head.**

 _ **THE NEXT DAY- IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **Everyone is eating breakfast, when Michelle comes down the stairs.**

 **JOEY**

Hey, Michelle.

 **Michelle looks around.**

 **MICHELLE**

Hey, uh, is dad here?

 **JESSE**

Nope, he's still upstairs getting  
ready for work. Why?

 **MICHELLE**

Okay. Here's the thing. I have this riding  
competition on Wednesday...

 **JESSE**

Oh, that's great, Michelle.

 **STEPH**

But I thought you told dad you didn't  
have any competitions coming up.

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah, well- hey, how did _you_ hear that?

 **STEPH**

I'm a master in the art of eavesdropping.

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah, well, anyway...I don't really want dad to come.

 **BECKY**

What? Why not?

 **MICHELLE**

Well, you know how dad is...he'll bring a video camera,  
and you know, _embarrass_ me. This is a really hard  
competition. I can't be distracted.

 **JESSE**

Oh Michelle. He's gonna be crushed.  
He loves this kind of stuff.

 **MICHELLE**

I know. That's why you can't tell him about it.  
And you guys have to promise not to either.

 **Everyone is silent.**

 **MICHELLE**

Please?

 **JESSE**

Alright, Michelle. I won't tell him. But  
if he asks, it's my official duty as an uncle **  
**to fill him in, okay?

 **Everyone else nods.**

 **MICHELLE**

Thanks, guys.

 **Danny comes downstairs.**

 **Everyone is quiet.**

 **DANNY**

Hey everyone.

 **Everyone mumbles hello.**

 **Danny sits down.**

 **DANNY**

So...how is everyone?

 **STEPH**

Fine.

 **JOEY**

Hm.

 **DANNY**

So...uh...

 **Joey whistles.**

 **DANNY**

Is something going on that I'm not aware of?

 **JESSE**

No, no-

 **BECKY**

Nothing.

 **STEPH**

Everything's normal.

 **Danny looks confused.**

 **DANNY**

Oh, I forgot to tell you, someone else is going  
to take Michelle to riding practice on Wednesday.  
I have to work late.

 **MICHELLE**

Yes!

 **DANNY**

What's that?

 **MICHELLE**

Oh, uh...nothing. Never mind. So, uh,  
you're working _all day_ on Wednesday?

 **DANNY**

Yeah. Why? Is something happening on Wednesday?

 **MICHELLE**

No-

 **JESSE**

Nope. Nothing.

 **BECKY**

Not a thing.

 **STEPH**

Yeah.

 **DANNY**

Okay...

 **Michelle grins.**

 ** _THAT AFTERNOON- IN THE AFTERNOON_**

 **Nicky and Alex run into the living room, yelling.**

 **ALEX**

Stephie! Stephie! Save us!

 **STEPH**

What's wrong?

 **NICKY**

Joey has a bug!

 **STEPH**

So?

 **Joey comes in with a worm on his hand.**

 **Nicky and Alex scream.**

 **JOEY**

Oh come on, guys. It's only an worm. See?

 **Joey holds up the worm, which makes Nicky and Alex scream.**

 **NICKY**

Get rid of it!

 **STEPH**

Why are you so scared of a worm?

 **ALEX**

It's a bug!

 **STEPH**

 _So?_

 **ALEX**

Bugs are scary.

 **STEPH**

No they're not. Look how cure he is.

 **Stephanie take the bug from Joey, and Nicky and Alex run off screaming.**

 **Stephanie looks at the worm.**

 **JOEY**

I wonder what they're so scared of?

 **STEPH**

 **(sarcastic)** Ya think it might be the worm?

 **Joey nods solemnly.**

 _ **AT THE RIDING RING**_

 **Michelle is brushing her horse, when this girl comes up to her.**

 **MEGAN**

 **(rudely)** Oh, hello, Michelle.  
What are _you_ doing here?

 **MICHELLE**

I'm practicing for the competition, _Megan_.

 **MEGAN**

But the competition is for _good_ riders.  
Not people like _you_.

 **MICHELLE**

I'm just as good as you.

 **MEGAN**

Oh, sure you are. We'll just see who's better  
at the competition on Wednesday. Whoever loses has to  
do the others stable work for a month.

 **MICHELLE**

Fine.

 **They shake.**

 **Megan twists Michelle's hand.**

 **MICHELLE**

Ow!

 **Megan grins and walks away.**

 **Michelle glares after her.**

 ** _IN THE LIVING ROOM_**

 **Stephanie and Joey come into the living room.**

 **STEPH**

I think I have a way of getting Nicky  
and Alex not be scared of bugs.

 **JOEY**

How?

 **STEPH**

Watch. Nicky! Alex! Get over here!

 **The boys don't come.**

 **JOEY**

Oh, I'll get them.

 **Joey leaves to get the boys.**

 **Michelle comes home from riding practice.**

 **STEPH**

Hey, Michelle.

 **MICHELLE**

Ow. Hi.

 **STEPH**

What happened to your hand?

 **MICHELLE**

Don't ask.

 **Joey comes back into the living room, dragging Nicky and Alex behind him.**

 **JOEY**

Got them.

 **STEPH**

Oh good. Alright, buys. See this?

 **Stephanie holds up a jar with a grasshopper inside.**

 **Nicky and Alex try to twist out of Joey's grasp.**

 **JOEY**

Not so fast, kiddies.

 **STEPH**

Okay, you see the bug?  
He's in a jar. He can't get out.

 **NICKY**

Really?

 **MICHELLE**

Well, unless he turns into a giant mutant grasshopper  
covered in green slime. Then he can crush the jar with his  
huge claws and come after you.

 **Nicky and Alex scream and run away.**

 **Stephanie gives Michelle a look.**

 **MICHELLE**

What?

 **Stephanie sighs. Little sisters, right?**

 _ **WEDNESDAY MORNING- IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **The phone rings and Danny runs to answer it.**

 **DANNY**

Hello? Yes, Mr. Strowbridge. Really? Oh, yes.  
What? That's great! Okay. Alright. Thank you.

 **Danny hangs up.**

 **DANNY**

Good news. I don't have to work late today.  
Why don't we all go out to dinner?

 **Everyone else glances at each other.**

 **JESSE**

Uh, no, no-

 **BECKY**

We can't do that-

 **STEPH**

We got stuff-

 **BECKY**

To do. Yeah.

 **STEPH**

Stuff.

 **Danny stares at them, confused.**

 **DANNY**

What stuff?

 **STEPH**

Uh...

 **BECKY**

You know, just stuff-

 **JOEY**

Yeah. Boring errands.

 **JESSE**

Nothing important.

 **DANNY**

Oh. Okay. I guess I'll just make something for dinner-

 **Jesse jumps up and pulls Danny aside.**

 **JESSE**

Uh, Daniel, Daniel, Daniel...Uh, no, you don't have to  
make anything...Say. What is something that you've wanted to do for a  
long time but couldn't because your annoying family was  
always around bugging you?

 **DANNY**

Oh, you guys don't bug me...

 **JESSE**

Don't sweet-talk right now, just answer the question.

 **DANNY**

Uh...well, I've been meaning to clean out  
the pantry for a while...

 **BECKY**

Right, right-

 **STEPH**

The pantry.

 **JOEY**

You do that.

 **JESSE**

Uh, _no_. _Don't_ do that. Something  
 _outside_. Out of the house.

 **BECKY**

Oh, right-

 **JOEY**

Of course.

 **STEPH**

Out of the house.

 **DANNY**

 **(confused)** Well...I could sweep the sidewalk...

 **STEPH**

Oh, sure-

 **BECKY**

The sidewalk-

 **JOEY**

Sweep the sidewalk.

 **JESSE**

Uh...preferably something that wouldn't make you  
look like a neurotic nutcase to our neighbors.

 **BECKY**

Oh. Of course.

 **JOEY**

Neurotic nutcase...

 **STEPH**

Wouldn't want to do that...

 **DANNY**

Well, uh...I was looking through the paper  
this morning, and there's this really good movie...

 **JESSE**

Great! Okay, then. Well, you go see your movie...  
maybe two...three, who knows. Stay out as long as you want.  
Have some popcorn...a nice big drink...some ice cream maybe...  
Have fun. And don't you _dare_ come home early.

 **BECKY**

Yeah. Yeah.

 **JOEY**

See a few flicks...

 **STEPH**

Have some food...

 **BECKY**

And don't come back early.

 **STEPH**

Right.

 **Danny stares at them.**

 **DANNY**

Are you trying to get rid of me?

 **JESSE**

No, no! Of course not!

 **STEPH**

Why would we want to...

 **JOEY**

Why would we do that?

 **BECKY**

Right.

 **DANNY**

Well, I'd much rather spend time with you...

 **JESSE**

Oh, Dan, you already spend far too much  
time with us. Have some alone time.

 **DANNY**

Okay. Thanks.

 **Danny sits down.**

 **Jesse and Michelle share a thumbs-up.**

 _ **AT THE RIDING RING**_

 **Michelle is getting ready for her competition.**

 **Jesse comes up to her.**

 **JESSE**

Hey, Michelle. Are you ready?

 **MICHELLE**

I guess so. I practiced all week.  
Any sign of dad?

 **JESSE**

Nope.

 **MICHELLE**

I feel so bad for not inviting him.

 **JESSE**

Well why didn't you?

 **MICHELLE**

I told you. I didn't want him to embarrass me-

 **JESSE**

Michelle. I've been living with you almost your  
whole life. I practically taught you how to lie. And I have  
a feeling that's not the real reason you didn't invite him.

 **Michelle starts to speak but then-**

 **ANNOUNCER DUDE**

All competitors for the junior horseback races please  
report to the arena. We will be starting shortly.

 **MICHELLE**

I gotta go.

 **JESSE**

Good luck. Oh, and Michelle?

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah?

 **JESSE**

This time, _please_ don't ride off and get amnesia.

 **Michelle smiles.**

 **MICHELLE**

You got it, dude.

 **Michelle goes out to the arena, and gets in line with the other riders.**

 **MEGAN**

So you decided to compete after all?

 **MICHELLE**

I was always going to.

 **MEGAN**

Well there's no point. I'm going to win.

 **Michelle shrugs.**

 **Megan scowls and elbows her, which causes half the line of kids to get knocked over.**

 **The instructor comes and the kids straighten up.**

 **INSTRUCTOR**

Okay, kids. First is a 200-meter gallop.  
Everyone just do your best, okay? And have fun.

 **The kids go out onto their horses.**

 **Michelle sees her family and waves to them.**

 **Michelle looks around.**

 **MICHELLE**

Good. No dad.

 **ANNOUNCER DUDE**

On your marks...Get set...Go!

 **They gallop.**

 **Everything's going fine until Megan's horse kicks Michelle off her horse.**

 **Michelle falls off and tumbles to the ground.**

 **JESSE**

Michelle!

 **Jesse, Joey, Stephanie, Becky, Nicky, and Alex run into the ring and kneel next to Michelle.**

 **Michelle gets up.**

 **JOEY**

Michelle, are you okay?

 **MICHELLE**

Um, yeah. I think I'm fine.

 **BECKY**

Are you sure?

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah...

 **JESSE**

What happened?

 **MICHELLE**

Megan knocked me down on purpose.

 **JESSE**

Which one's Megan?

 **Michelle looks over her shoulder.**

 **Megan crosses the finish line.**

 **The announcer hands her a trophy and everyone cheers.**

 **Megan gives Michelle a smug smile.**

 **Michelle looks back at Jesse.**

 **JESSE**

Oh.

 ** _A WHILE LATER- IN THE INSTRUCTOR'S OFFICE_**

 **Jesse is pacing around the room while everyone is sitting in chairs.**

 **JESSE**

Alright. Let's analyze this situation _very_ carefully.  
You knew you had a competition coming up, you didn't  
invite your dad, you made us all lie to him, he's probably out right now  
in the middle of a well-deserved R-rated movie; he's gonna get a  
phone call informing him that his youngest daughter fell off her  
horse during a competition, which, by the way, he had no  
knowledge of whatsoever; he's gonna rush down here, blow his top,  
and then give us all a lecture on responsibility and always  
telling the truth. And worst of all, I missed Oprah!

 **He collapses in a chair.**

 **MICHELLE**

Well, I'm sorry, Uncle Jesse- except for the missing  
Oprah part, that's not my fault- but maybe he'll be cool about it.

 **JOEY**

Michelle, this is your father we're talking about.  
Daniel Earnest Tanner. He is incapable of being cool  
about an ant on the kitchen floor, there is _no way_  
he'll be cool about this.

 **ALEX**

 **(scared)** An ant?

 **JOEY**

Yeah, an ant.

 **ALEX**

Ants are scary!

 **JESSE**

Alright, guys. We are going to put an end to this  
bug-phobia of yours, if it's the last thing I do. And it  
probably will be, if Danny gets here soon. Okay, what is it about  
bugs that scare you?

 **NICKY**

They can turn into giant mutant monsters covered  
in slime, that will crush us with their giant claws.

 **Jesse gives them a questioning look, then looks at Michelle.**

 **MICHELLE**

Heh heh. Little kids. Where _do_ they get this stuff?

 **Jesse rolls his eyes.**

 **JESSE**

Well, that's not true. Bugs are just little creatures,  
like people. They're more scared of use than we are of them.  
They're so much tinier than us. And they can be pretty  
cool. Let me show you.

 **Jesse picks up a potato bug. (funny how there's always a bug lying around when they need one, eh?)**

 **NICKY**

Aah!

 **The bug curls up into a ball.**

 **Nicky and Alex look fascinated.**

 **JESSE**

See? Isn't he cool? He can turn into a ball.

 **NICKY**

What's his name?

 **JESSE**

Well, he's a potato bug, so let's call him...French Fry.

 **NICKY**

Cool! Can we keep French Fry, daddy?

 **JESSE**

I guess so.

 **Nicky and Alex take French Fry to Becky.**

 **NICKY**

Look mommy. We got a pet.

 **Becky screams.**

 **BECKY**

What is _that_?!

 **ALEX**

A potato bug. His name's French Fry.

 **BECKY**

Well, can you please get 'French Fry' away from me?

 **ALEX**

But bugs are cool. He can turn into a ball.

 **Nicky touches French Fry and he turns into a ball.**

 **NICKY**

See? Isn't he cute, mommy?

 **BECKY**

 **(disgusted)** Oh, yeah, he's... _adorable._

 **The riding instructor comes out of her office.**

 **INSTRUCTOR**

I've called Michelle's father. He said he'll come as  
soon as possible. And, just so you know, Megan has been  
disqualified from the rest of the competition. Hurting  
another rider on purpose is not allowed.

 **MICHELLE**

Yes!

 **JOEY**

Oh, thank you. And, uh...just out of curiosity  
...did Mr. Tanner say where he was?

 **INSTRUCTOR**

Well, it was pretty noisy in the background...sounded  
like he was watching something. It sounded very interesting.

 **JESSE**

 _Oh._..I hope he gets stuck in traffic.

 **Suddenly, the door bursts open and an enraged Danny rushes in.**

 **JESSE**

Have mercy.

 _ **AT HOME IN THE LIVING ROOM- A WHILE LATER**_

 **DANNY**

I cannot _believe_ you guys! My own  
family! My own flesh and blood!

 **JESSE**

Um, well, _technically_ , Danny...I'm  
not your flesh and blood...

 **DANNY**

Let me lecture. How could you do this to me? You lied!  
You purposely made me leave the house so that you could  
sneak out to Michelle's race, which for some reason I was  
not invited to, even though I am her father and I should  
know about _everything_ that goes on in my daughters'  
lives. And _then_ I get a call that Michelle had gotten hurt,  
yet again, riding a horse, and that I am required to come  
to the ring, _right_ in the middle of the most suspenseful part  
of 'Jade', to pick her up. What do you have to say for yourselves?

 **Danny glares at them, and they are silent.**

 **JESSE**

You were watching _'Jade'_?

 **DANNY**

Let me try that again. What do  
you have to say for yourselves?

 **MICHELLE**

Dad, it's my fault. I'm the one who didn't want  
to invite you. I asked everyone to keep it a secret.

 **Danny turns to Michelle.**

 **DANNY**

Michelle, why would you do that?

 **STEPH**

Because you always embarrass her at this kind of stuff.

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

Michelle, go to your room.

 **Michelle leaves.**

 **Danny turns back to everyone else.**

 **DANNY**

I am very disappointed in all of you.

 **The others look at each other.**

 **ALEX**

What did _I_ do?

 **Danny turns to leave.**

 **JESSE**

Uh...so, how was the movie?

 **Danny shoots Jesse a look and goes upstairs.**

 **Michelle is sitting on her bed.**

 **Danny goes into her room.**

 **DANNY**

Michelle, listen. I'm sorry if I  
embarrass you sometimes, but-

 **MICHELLE**

It's not that.

 **DANNY**

Huh?

 **MICHELLE**

You don't embarrass me. That's not  
why I didn't invite you.

 **DANNY**

Then why-

 **MICHELLE**

I wanted you to come...but I'm not as good  
as the others. I didn't want you to see me lose.

 **DANNY**

Honey, I don't care about that...

 **MICHELLE**

Yes you do. You always bring a video camera  
and cheer and stuff... if I lose you'll have  
nothing to cheer for.

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

Michelle...I don't cheer you on just so you win.  
I just want to encourage you. I honestly don't  
care if you win or lose.

 **MICHELLE**

You're just saying that. Who wants their kid to lose?

 **DANNY**

I don't _want_ you to lose...but losing is a part of life.  
There's always going to be someone who's better  
than you at _something_.

 **MICHELLE**

So you really don't mind?

 **DANNY**

I really don't.

 **MICHELLE**

Okay. I guess next time I'll invite you.

 **DANNY**

Good. And remember, if you keep trying,  
eventually you're gonna catch up to the others.

 **They hug (obviously =).**

 **Becky runs down the hall, screaming.**

 **Nicky runs after her with French Fry.**

 **BECKY**

Get that thing _away_ from me!

 **Michelle and Danny start snickering.**

 **-END TUNE-**

* * *

 **Question of the Week: At what exact time was D.J. born?**

 **(No searchies =)**


	8. Ep 8- My Room

**A/N: Hey people. Sorry I'm late again. I have a class on Fridays and I don't have time to edit, so from now on I'm going to post on Saturday nights instead. I know Saturdays aren't as 'majestic' as Fridays, but oh well. Anyway, last week's Question of the Week winner is Molly! Twice in a row! Good job. Obviously, new one at the bottom of the episode. And thanks for all the reviews!**

 **P.S. (You know the drill)  
**

 **Season Nine, Episode Eight**

 **My Room**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM** _

**Stephanie and Michelle are following Danny around while he's trying to dust the living room.**

 **STEPH**

Dad, D.J.'s been away for over three months!  
You _promised_ we'd get our own rooms.

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah.

 **DANNY**

No, I didn't, I said I would think about it.  
And I haven't done that yet.

 **STEPH**

You haven't had _any_ time to think over  
the past fourteen weeks?

 **DANNY**

Stephanie, I've been busy.

 **STEPH**

Doing _what?_

 **DANNY**

I said I would think and I will. Just give me time.

 **MICHELLE**

Okay.

 **Silence.**

 **MICHELLE**

Done yet?

 **DANNY**

Give me a second.

 **MICHELLE**

One Mississippi.

 **Danny gives her a look.**

 **Becky comes into the living room.**

 **BECKY**

Hey, Danny, have you seen Jesse?

 **Jesse comes down the stairs carrying four big duffel bags.**

 **BECKY**

Never mind.

 **JESSE**

I don't see why- ugh- we need- ugh- so much stuff.

 **STEPH**

Where are you going? _Rome_?

 **JESSE**

Close. Swimming pool.

 **BECKY**

We're teaching the boys to swim.

 **MICHELLE**

What did you put in those bags?

 **BECKY**

Oh, not much, just some basic swimming gear.  
Flippers, water wings, life jackets, pool noodles, wet suits,  
towels, bath robes, goggles, snorkelers, extra clothes,  
and a bag to put the bag in.

 **They stare at her.**

 **BECKY**

What?

 **Nicky comes running in, carrying French Fry (the potato bug, remember him?)**

 **NICKY**

Daddy, can I bring French Fry to the pool?

 **JESSE**

Honey, French Fry is a woodlouse. He can't swim.

 **BECKY**

Since when are you an entomologist?

 **Jesse looks confused.**

 **JESSE**

I don't know. What is that?

 **BECKY**

A _bug_ expert?

 **JESSE**

Oh. I'm not. I had to do a project on these  
things in fifth grade.

 **STEPH**

Oh, what happened?

 **JESSE**

Let's just say that potato bugs really, really, like the  
smell of hairspray. Couldn't sleep for weeks. Now  
I know what bedbugs _really_ are.

 **BECKY**

Actually, you know, the Cimex Lectularius, or the common  
bedbug, is an actual species. They feed exclusively on blood.  
The name 'bedbug' come from the preferred habitat of the  
Cimex Lectularius, which is usually warm houses and  
especially near on inside bed and other sleeping areas.  
Bedbugs are mainly active at night, but are not  
exclusively nocturnal.

 **Everyone stares at her, once again.**

 **BECKY**

 _What?_

 **JESSE**

For someone who screams at the sight of a  
tiny bug, you sure know a lot about them.

 **BECKY**

I had to memorize an entire entomology textbook in college.  
Anyway, a number of adverse health effects may result  
from bedbug bites, such as-

 **JESSE**

Uh, hey, weren't we going swimming?

 **BECKY**

Right. Sorry. I just have so much useless information  
in my head, I have to get it out sometime.

 **JESSE**

You're too smart for me. I can't even remember  
the name of my best childhood friend!

 **DANNY**

Duane.

 **JESSE**

Right. Let's get going.

Becky goes upstairs to get Alex.

 **NICKY**

Wait, so does that mean I _can_ bring French Fry?

 **JESSE**

Okay, fine, Nick. Bring him, but but he  
can't come in the pool with us.

 **MICHELLE**

So dad...about the room...

 **DANNY**

Michelle, honey, I told you when I make  
a decision, you'll be the first to know.

 ** _AT THE SWIMMING POOL _**

**Jesse is standing outside the pool, waiting for Becky and the boys.**

 **Becky comes out of the change room wearing a tiny bikini.**

 **JESSE**

Have mercy...when did you get that?

 **BECKY**

August 12th, 1995.

 **JESSE**

How can you _remember_ that?

 **BECKY**

I have the receipt if you want proof.

 **ALEX**

Mommy, why do girls have different  
bathing suits than boys?

 **BECKY**

Uh...let's get in the pool, shall we?

 **JESSE**

Yeah. You first.

 **BECKY**

Why do _I_ have to go first?

 **JESSE**

I don't know.

 **BECKY**

 _You_ go first.

 **JESSE**

Why should _I_ go first?

 **BECKY**

Why _not_?

 **Jesse and Becky argue, so Nicky and Alex push them into the pool.**

 **BECKY**

Ahh!

 **JESSE**

Cold cold cold!

 **BECKY**

What was that for?

 **NICKY**

You take forever.

 **Becky sighs.**

 **BECKY**

Alright, come on in, guys.

 **JESSE**

Shouldn't we give them some water  
wings or something first?

 **BECKY**

Oh, you're right.

 **Camera cuts to the boys in complete water gear.**

 **BECKY**

There.

 **JESSE**

I said water wings.

 **BECKY**

You can never be too careful.

 **JESSE**

But if you could, that would be it.

 **NICKY**

 **(muffled)** We can't move!

 **BECKY**

Good. Then it's safe.

 **JESSE**

Becky, this end of the pool is only up to my waist.

 **Becky picks Nicky up and puts him in the water.**

 **BECKY**

Having fun?

 **NICKY**

 **(muffled)** I'm not even wet.

 **Jesse gives Becky a look.**

 **JESSE**

Okay, my turn to dress them up.

 **Camera cuts to the boys in water wings.**

 **JESSE**

Much better.

 **BECKY**

You're trying to kill them, aren't you?

Jesse rolls his eyes.

 **JESSE**

Okay, boys, _now_ you can come in.

 **NICKY**

But French Fry can't swim.

 **JESSE**

Then don't put French Fry in the water.

 **NICKY**

But I can't put him on the ground. Someone will  
step on him. Then he'll be mashed potatoes.

 **JESSE**

I though I told you to put French Fry in the car.

 **NICKY**

No you didn't.

 **BECKY**

Look, Nicky, put him in the locker room with our stuff.

 **NICKY**

But he'll be all alone. He has  
no potato friends in there.

 **ALEX**

Well, I think I saw a lady eating a bowl of poutine...

 **BECKY**

If we buy some chips, will you just get in the pool?

 **JESSE**

I know.

 **Jesse goes over to the toy chest and takes out a plastic ball, then opens it and puts French Fry inside.**

 **JESSE**

There. Now he can go in the pool  
and he won't get wet.

 **NICKY**

Cool! Here you go, French Fry. Swim like a fishy.

 **French Fry floats in the water.**

 **BECKY**

Okay, now come on. Get in.

 **Nicky and Alex jump into the pool and make a big splash.**

 **JESSE**

You messed...up...my hair.

 **Nicky and Alex high-five.**

 ** _AT HOME- IN THE KITCHEN_**

 **Danny is sitting in the kitchen, eating cake.**

 **Stephanie randomly strolls in. (in the tanner house, there is no eating your cake in peace =)**

 **STEPH**

I wonder where my _handsome, generous, fair_ father could be.  
Oh, there he is! So...handsome, generous, fair father, have  
thought any more about who's gonna get to stay in their room?  
I mean, I know it's probably me, but I need it on paper, so...

 **Stephanie holds up a contract.**

 **STEPH**

Sign here.

 **DANNY**

What is this?

 **STEPH**

A contract. To make it official.

 **DANNY**

Make _what_ official?

 **STEPH**

That I get to keep my room and Michelle  
has to move out.

 **DANNY**

I _never_ said that.

 **STEPH**

Yeah, well, we both know you were thinking it, so...

 **DANNY**

Stephanie, honey, I don't even think anyone should  
move into D.J.'s room. She'll want to come visit, and  
she'll need a place to stay.

 **Stephanie stares at him, wide-eyed.**

 **STEPH**

Excuse me, I'll get back to you in a second.

 **Stephanie runs upstairs into her room.**

 **MICHELLE**

What did he say? Did he sign it?

 **STEPH**

No.

 **MICHELLE**

Good.

 **STEPH**

 _Not_ good. He said we might not  
even get our own rooms!

 **MICHELLE**

What?!

 **STEPH**

He said D.J. needs her own room when she visits.

 **MICHELLE**

She can sleep in the alcove!

 **STEPH**

Try telling that to dad.

 **MICHELLE**

What are we going to do?

 **STEPH**

I don't know, but we have to get our own rooms.  
Say it with me. We need our own rooms...  
we need our own rooms...

 _ **AT THE SWIMMING POOL**_

 **Nicky, Alex, Jesse, and Becky are playing on the small slide.**

 **NICKY**

Here, French Fry. Slide.

 **Nicky drops French Fry down the slide.**

 **ALEX**

Can we go on _that_ slide?

 **Alex points to the tall swirly slide.**

 **JESSE**

Sure.

 **BECKY**

No. That slide is too big for you boys.

 **JESSE**

Oh, come on, Beck, it's not that big.

 **BECKY**

Oh, yes it is.

 **Nicky and Alex sneak away while their parents argue.**

 **JESSE**

This isn't an amusement park. They don't have  
to be a certain _height_ to ride on the slides.

 **BECKY**

But still. That slide's too big.

 **JESSE**

Yeah, well, the boys can handle it, right guys?

 **Jesse and Becky look for their kids.**

 **JESSE**

Guys?

 **ALEX**

 **(on top of the big slide)** Hi, Daddy!

 **BECKY**

Alex!

 **NICKY**

Watch us!

 **BECKY**

Wait! No! Don't!

Jesse and Becky run up to the slide.

 **BECKY**

I said no going on the big slide.

 **ALEX**

Aww...

 **NICKY**

Why not? We're big boys.

 **JESSE**

Yeah, Beck. They have on water wings.

 **BECKY**

Water wings won't save them from  
drowning in the deep end.

 **ALEX**

You can put on all our water stuff...

 **Nicky and Alex make a puppy face.**

 **JESSE**

Ohh, how can you say no to that face?

 **BECKY**

Oh, alright. But we're going with  
them. You get Alex, I'll get Nick.

 **They sliiiiiiiiiide.**

 _ **IN STEPHANIE AND MICHELLE'S ROOM**_

 **Stephanie and Michelle are throwing things around, making a mess.**

 **STEPH**

There we go. Dad!

 **MICHELLE**

What are we doing?

 **STEPH**

Just play along.

 **Danny rushes in.**

 **STEPH**

Dad, tell Michelle to get her stuff off  
my side of the room.

 **MICHELLE**

She put _her_ stuff on _my_ side of the room!

 **STEPH**

Liar!

 **MICHELLE**

Tattletale!

 **STEPH**

You purposely put _this pen_ on my bed.

 **MICHELLE**

Only because you put this _eraser_ on my dresser!

 **DANNY**

How come your room wasn't this  
messy five minutes ago?

 **MICHELLE**

Um, well, it gets messy fast when there are  
two people living in the same room.

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

Nice try, girls. I told you no one's  
getting their own room.

 **MICHELLE**

Wait! You can't do this to us! You have imprisoned  
your daughters in a tiny cell of darkness and torture!  
Set us free, father! Set us free!

 **Stephanie and Danny stare at her.**

 **MICHELLE**

What? You told me to play along.

 ** _AT THE SWIMMING POOL_**

 **ALEX**

Can we go on that thing?

 **Alex points to the diving board.**

 **BECKY**

No way.

 **ALEX**

Please?

 **BECKY**

No.

 **ALEX**

Daddy...

 **JESSE**

I'm sorry, guys, I'm going to have to agree with  
your mom this time. That diving board is  
for grown-ups only.

 **ALEX**

Aww...

 **JESSE**

Even I can't go on that!

 **NICKY**

Why? Are you scared?

 **JESSE**

Scared? Pft... _no._ I just- I'm being sensible.

 **BECKY**

Really. Would you do it if I dared you?

 **JESSE**

Uh...

 **NICKY**

Daddy's a chicken!

 **JESSE**

I- fine. I can do it. _If_ you dared me. But you didn't, so...

 **BECKY**

I dare you to jump off that diving board.

 **JESSE**

Oh...kay...

 **Becky grins.**

 **JESSE**

Well...

 **BECKY**

Oh, come on, Jess. You've been sky diving.  
Bungee jumping. Don't tell me you're scared of  
jumping off a diving board.

 **JESSE**

Isn't this setting a bad example for our kids?

 **BECKY**

Don't make excuses.

 **JESSE**

Fine.

 **Jesse climbs up to the top of the diving board.**

 **NICKY**

Hey, Daddy, if you die, can I keep  
your secret stash of candy?!

 **JESSE**

How do _you_ know about that?!

 **BECKY**

Come on!

 **Jesse takes a deep breath.**

 **BECKY**

Let's go!

 **JESSE**

I will!

 **Jesse stretches.**

 **BECKY**

Jesse...

 **JESSE**

I'm warming up!

 **Jesse continues to stretch.**

 **BECKY**

Preferably this week...

 **JESSE**

Okay. Hold on!

 **BECKY**

You have _ten_ seconds before I get the video camera!

 **Jesse sighs.**

 **JESSE**

Here goes.

 **He jumps off the board and plummets into the water.**

 **The boys cheer.**

 **NICKY**

Yay Daddy!

 **ALEX**

That was so cool! I wanna try!

 **JESSE**

Well, maybe you could...it's not that scary...

 **BECKY**

No.

 **JESSE**

But-

 **BECKY**

 _No._

 **JESSE**

But-

 **BECKY**

No!

 **JESSE**

Yeah, but-

 **BECKY**

Jesse, they are five years old. They just  
learned how to float. They are _not_ jumping off a  
six meter board!

 **JESSE**

Oh, okay. Maybe next time, guys.

 **ALEX**

Hmph.

 **NICKY**

Let's go on the slide again.

 **BECKY**

Okay.

 **JESSE**

You guys go. I'm going to try the diving board again.

 **Becky chuckles.**

 _ **AT HOME- IN THE HALLWAY** _

**Stephanie is taking Michelle's bed out of her room.**

 **Michelle comes upstairs.**

 **MICHELLE**

Hey! What are you doing?

 **STEPH**

I'm moving all your stuff out for you.

 **MICHELLE**

Shouldn't you be moving _your_ stuff out?

 **STEPH**

Uh, _no,_ I'm not the one moving into that room.

 **MICHELLE**

Well, neither am I.

 **STEPH**

I'm older.

 **MICHELLE**

I'm younger.

 **STEPH**

I'm taller.

 **MICHELLE**

I'm shorter.

 **STEPH**

I'm smarter.

 **MICHELLE**

I'm- ... _not_ falling for that!

 **STEPH**

Don't feel bad, I never did either.

 **MICHELLE**

There's only _one_ way to settle this.

 **They do rock, paper, scissors.**

 **They tie.**

 **They do it again.**

 **And tie.**

 **And again.**

 **And tie.**

 **Joey comes up.**

 **JOEY**

What are you doing?

 **MICHELLE**

Trying to decide who gets the bigger room!

 **JOEY**

I thought your dad said no one's moving out.

 **Stephanie finally wins.**

 **STEPH**

Ha ha! Paper beats rock! I win!

 **MICHELLE**

Why does paper beat rock?

 **STEPH**

I don't know. That's the rule.

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah, well, it's a dumb rule. Paper does nothing to rocks.  
Scissors can cut paper, a rock can smash scissors, but  
what does _paper_ do to _rock_?

 **STEPH**

Doesn't matter. Bottom line is I get to keep the  
big room. Here. You can move your own bed.

 **Michelle crosses her arms.**

 **MICHELLE**

I refuse to move out until I get a  
scientific explanation to why paper beats rock.

 **Stephanie groans.**

 _ **AT THE SWIMMING POOL**_

 **Becky and Nicky in the kiddie pool.**

 **BECKY**

Alright, Nicky. Now let's try going underwater, okay?

 **Becky goes underwater and blows bubbles.**

 **BECKY**

Now you try.

 **Nicky goes underwater.**

 **Jesse comes over.**

 **BECKY**

Hey. How was the diving board?

 **JESSE**

Great. On my seventeenth turn, I tried to do a flip.

 **BECKY**

And?

 **JESSE**

And I ended up flailing my arms around like  
an idiot, and my splash made some old man call  
me an 'imbecile'.

 **BECKY**

Oh. Better luck next time.

 **JESSE**

Yeah. Where's Alex?

 **BECKY**

I don't know, I thought-

 **Nicky, who is still underwater, calls out to them.**

 **BECKY**

Oh, Nicky, honey, you can come back up now.

 **Nicky comes up and gasps for breath.**

 **NICKY**

 _Now_ you tell me.

 **JESSE**

Alex? Where are you?!

 **NICKY**

Alex is up there, mommy.

 **Nick points to the diving board, where Alex is standing on, looking frightened.**

 **BECKY**

 _Alex!_

They run to the diving board.

 **JESSE**

Uh, excuse me-

 **RANDOM DUDE**

Hey, man, wait in line.

 **JESSE**

No, but-

 **OTHER RANDOM DUDE**

No cutting.

 **JESSE**

But my kid-

 **WOMAN**

If everybody went whenever they want,  
do you know what would happen?

 **JESSE**

Move it, you imbecile!

 **They stares at him, confused.**

 **JESSE**

I don't know, I heard some man say it.  
Can you _please_ move? My kid is up there.

 **RANDOM DUDE**

He'll live.

 **JESSE**

Yeah, but he's five.

 **OTHER RANDOM DUDE**

If he falls, he'll just land in the water.

 **JESSE**

And _drown_!

 **WOMAN**

Does he have a life jacket on?

 **JESSE**

Well, no-

 **WOMAN**

Who would let a child on the diving  
board without a life jacket?

 **JESSE**

I _didn't_ let him!

 **WOMAN**

Parents these days need to have more  
control over their teenagers.

 **JESSE**

He is _five_! And I need to get him down,  
so if you could please move-

 **HUGE DUDE**

If you cut in line, I'll kill you.

 **Jesse backs away.**

 **JESSE**

'K.

 **BECKY**

Jesse, do something!

 **ALEX**

Help!

 **JESSE**

Uh, okay. Alex? Listen, Alex. Just  
don't look down! Move back slowly.

 **ALEX**

I can't!

 **JESSE**

Sure you can! Get on your hands and knees!

 **ALEX**

I don't _want_ to!

 **JESSE**

Aw, come on, Al! You can  
do it! You're a big boy!

 **ALEX**

No I'm not!

 **JESSE**

Yes you are! You got up there by yourself, didn't you?  
Just come back the way you went up.

 **ALEX**

Okay...

 **Alex slowly climbs down.**

 **JESSE**

Come on, keep going.

 **Alex returns safely to the ground.**

 **Becky wraps Alex in a hug.**

 **BECKY**

Oh, Alex, I'm so glad you're alright!

 **Becky lets go.**

 **BECKY**

What were you thinking?!

 **ALEX**

I just wanted to be like Daddy.

 **JESSE**

Alex...I'm a grown-up. _You_ are five years old.  
Not that I'm not flattered, but you can't be like me.

 **BECKY**

 _Yet._ You have plenty of time to do  
grown-up stuff when you get older.

 **ALEX**

Okay.

 **JESSE**

Okay. Now go back to the kiddie pool.

 **Nicky and Alex run off.**

 **JESSE**

Don't run! You'll slip!

 **BECKY**

Oh, Jess. You know, I think our kids are  
going to turn out a lot like you.

 **JESSE**

And why do you think that?

 **BECKY**

I don't know. Just a hunch.

 **JESSE**

Well, is it bad if they do?

 **BECKY**

Not really. You're okay.

 **JESSE**

Gee, thanks. But I don't think so.

 **BECKY**

Alright. Well if they do, you  
owe me...a hundred bucks.

 **JESSE**

Deal. And if _I'm_ right?

 **Becky thinks.**

 **BECKY**

I'll get an even _smaller_ bathing suit.

 **Becky grins and walks away to Nicky ad Alex.**

 **Jesse shivers.**

 **JESSE**

Have mercy...

 ** _IN THE LIVING ROOM_**

 **Stephanie and Michelle follow Danny through the living room again.**

 **DANNY**

No.

 **STEPH**

But it's not fair!

 **DANNY**

Steph.

 **STEPH**

There is an empty room in this house. It makes no  
sense whatsoever that two people should  
have to share a room.

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah.

 **DANNY**

Girls...

 **STEPH**

And since that room has always been  
mine, I think I should stay there.

 **MICHELLE**

Not true. You moved in there when you were five.

 **STEPH**

How do you even _know_ that?

 **MICHELLE**

I have my ways.

 **STEPH**

Well, I've been there longer than you.

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah, so now it's my turn.

 **STEPH**

Joey lives in my old room now, so I can't move back.  
 _Your_ room, however, is free, so you get to move back in  
and relive all your childhood memories!

 **MICHELLE**

I don't even _remember_ living in there!

 **STEPH**

Well, I'm older!

 **MICHELLE**

I'm younger!

 **STEPH**

I'm taller!

 **MICHELLE**

I'm shorter!

 **STEPH**

I'm smarter!

 **MICHELLE**

I'm _still_ not falling for that!

 **DANNY**

Does anyone remember how I said no  
one's moving into D.J.'s room?

 **MICHELLE**

No, I'm pretty sure that was forgotten a while ago.

 **STEPH**

You just don't want to accept the fact  
that D.J. doesn't live here anymore!

 **DANNY**

It's not that, I just want D.J. to have her own room in  
her own house. This _is_ still her house, you know. That  
tiny dorm room at Berkley is only temporary. So I'm sorry.  
You're both staying where you are.

 **Stephanie groans.**

 **STEPH**

Fine. But this isn't over!

 **DANNY**

If you say so.

 **Just then, the door opens and Jesse and the gang come in.**

 **Becky and Jesse immediately collapse on the couch.**

 **DANNY**

Hey guys. How was swimming?

 **JESSE**

Two words. Never again.

 **DANNY**

Why? What happened?

 **ALEX**

I went on the big diving board!

 **NICKY**

I blew bubbles!

 **DANNY**

Um...let's hear about the bubbles first.

 **NICKY**

Okay. First we went in the little pool, then I put French Fry  
in a ball so he won't drown, then mommy said go underwater,  
so I did, and then I didn't know I was supposed to come up...

 **-END TUNE-**

* * *

 **Question of the Week: What was the name of Michelle's goldfish in Season four?**


	9. Ep 9- Clubs Away

**A/N: Hmm...does this seem a little late to you? Yeah, sorry 'bout that, this one was longer than usual and I had this Home Ec. assignment to carry an egg around for a week and write about it and stuff, so yeah. But here it is! I'm sorry if I get some things wrong, keep in mind, I'm only twelve. I know nothing about clubs and bars and grown-up stuff. Last last week's Question of the Day winner is** **Sofia2017** **. Congrats! As usual, new one bottom of episode. Enjoy!**

 **P.S. (I don't own anything cuz I ain't Jeff Franklin.)**

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode Nine**

 **Clubs Away**

 _ **IN STEPHANIE AND MICHELLE'S ROOM**_

 **Stephanie marches into her room where Michelle is packing a bag.**

 **STEPH**

This is so unfair!

 **MICHELLE**

What?

 **STEPH**

Everyone has somewhere to go on New Year's Eve but me!  
D.J., Joey, Uncle Jesse, Aunt Becky and Dad are going to some fancy  
club, Nicky and Alex are going to Aunt Ida's, and you're going  
to Lisa's New Year's party.

 **MICHELLE**

Aren't one of your friends having a party?

 **STEPH**

Only Mariah is.

 **MICHELLE**

'Nuff said. You could come with me.

 **STEPH**

To a nine-year-old's party? I'd rather stay home, thanks.

 **MICHELLE**

Suit yourself.

 **STEPH**

I invited Gia over so she could mope with me.

 **Michelle rolls her eyes.**

 _ **DOWNSTAIRS**_

 **Danny, Jesse, and Joey are in the living room, getting ready.**

 **DANNY**

Are you sure this is a good idea?  
I mean, clubs can be very dangerous.

 **JESSE**

Oh, relax. It's New Year's Eve!

 **DANNY**

Which is exactly why the clubs will be filled  
with drunk men getting into fist-fights.

 **JOEY**

On the other hand, when are clubs _not_ filled  
with drunk men getting into fist-fights?

 **DANNY**

Well, I still don't understand why D.J. is  
coming with us. She's only nineteen.

 **JESSE**

She's old enough to get into a bar, just  
not old enough to have any alcohol.

 **JOEY**

Well then what's the point of going into a bar?

 **Stephanie stomps downstairs.**

 **STEPH**

I don't see why D.J. gets to go with you and I don't.

 **DANNY**

You're not twenty-one.

 **STEPH**

Neither is D.J.!

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

Look, Steph, pester your uncle with these questions.

 **Stephanie turns to Jesse.**

 **STEPH**

 _Well?_

 **JESSE**

Some clubs allow people over eighteen.

STEPH

Then why can't we go to a club that  
allows people _under_ eighteen?

 **DANNY**

That's called a daycare.

 **JESSE**

I'm sorry, Steph. You can't come.

 **STEPH**

But that's not fair! I'm _almost_ twenty-one!

 **DANNY**

You're thirteen.

 **STEPH**

Fourteen in January.

 **DANNY**

Steph, you can join us in a few years.

 **Becky comes downstairs with the boys, who have their hair swept on top of their heads.**

 **JESSE**

Ahh! What did you do to their hair?!

 **BECKY**

Jess, you know how Ida doesn't like  
their hair in their faces.

 **JESSE**

Honey, I thought we agreed to never send  
the boys to Ida's house unsupervised.

 **BECKY**

What do you mean? Ida's supervising them.

 **JESSE**

No, I mean someone to supervise Ida. She's  
probably going to try and cut their hair again.

 **BECKY**

Well there's no one else to babysit right now.

 **JESSE**

Yeah. If only we could come across a poor lonely little girl  
who was staying home on New Year's Eve with nothing to do...

 **STEPH**

No.

 **JESSE**

Aw, come on, Steph.

 **STEPH**

Uncle Jesse, it's bad enough I have to stay  
home, but I'd rather not babysit, too.

 **Jesse sighs.**

 **JESSE**

Boys, I'm _really_ sorry to have to do this to you.

 **NICKY**

Can we have a cookie when we get back?

 **JESSE**

You can have a motorcycle when you get back.

 **BECKY**

Yeah, okay, no motorcycles.

 **The doorbell rings and Becky goes to get it.**

 **IDA**

Oh, Rebecca! _So_ nice to see you! And Jesse! Oh, get  
that hair out of your face, for god's sake.  
You can't see those _gorgeous_ green eyes!

 **Ida starts fussing over Jesse's hair.**

 **JESSE**

I just spent twenty minutes doing that!

 **IDA**

Well, you need a haircut.

 **JESSE**

No I don't.

 **IDA**

And so do these poor boys! Oh, boys,  
can you even see through all that hair?

 **ALEX**

Yeah...

 **IDA**

That's fine. I'll do it myself. Have  
a nice time at the library!

 **JESSE**

Uh, no! Don't touch their hair!

 **Ida and the boys leave.**

 **BECKY**

Library?

 **JESSE**

Oh, yeah. I told Ida that we're going to the library.

 **BECKY**

Uh... _why?_

 **JESSE**

So she wouldn't lecture us about being irresponsible parents  
and going out to a bar instead of taking care of our kids.

 **BECKY**

Whatever...

 **The door opens and Gia walks in.**

 **GIA**

Hey Tanners.

 **DANNY**

 _Please_ don't ever do that again!

 **GIA**

What?

 **DANNY**

Walk in here and say that.

 **GIA**

Huh?

 **STEPH**

 **(whispering)** Bad memories.

 **GIA**

Oh. Sorry.

 **JOEY**

We should get going.

 **D.J. runs down.**

 **D.J.**

Okay, I'm here! Wow, I can't believe  
that I'm going to an actual club!

 **JESSE**

It'll be a great experience.

 **Michelle storms down the stairs. (these people are going to wear a hole through these poor stairs)**

 **MICHELLE**

Lisa came down with Strep Throat. Her party's off.

 **JOEY**

Oh, too bad.

 **MICHELLE**

 _Now_ what am I supposed to do?

 **DANNY**

You'll have to stay home with Stephanie.

 **MICHELLE**

What? No way.

 **JESSE**

Would you rather go to Aunt Ida's with Nicky and Alex?

 **MICHELLE**

Uh...I'll stay home.

 **JESSE**

Great. Let's go.

 **JOEY**

Why? It's only eight.

 **JESSE**

Yeah. So we have lots of time to get  
really drunk before New Year's

 **D.J.**

Alright! Let's go!

 **They give her a look.**

 **D.J.**

Uh...I love watching people...get drunk.  
From a safe distance, of course.

 **JESSE**

Uh- _huh_. Come on.

 **DANNY**

Keep an eye on your sister, okay?

 **STEPH**

Yeah, yeah. I'll try not to get her killed.

 **They leave and shut the door.**

 **STEPH**

This is going to be so boring.

 **GIA**

Then let's go.

 **STEPH**

What?

 **GIA**

Go to the club.

 **STEPH**

 _What?_

 **GIA**

 _What_ what? Come on.

 **STEPH**

Seriously?

 **GIA**

Why not? We'll just wear heels and  
lots of make-up. We'll look eighteen.

 **MICHELLE**

You're not allowed to do that. It's breaking the law.

 **GIA**

Oh, _little Michelle_ , you're not going to tell on us, are you?

 **MICHELLE**

Oh, _big Gia,_ you're dead meat.

 **STEPH**

Look, Michelle, I'll give you a dollar if you don't tell.

 **MICHELLE**

A dollar? You're going to a bar on New Year's Eve in the  
middle of the night and you expect me to keep  
my mouth shut for _a dollar_?

 **STEPH**

How about two?

 **MICHELLE**

Fifty.

 **STEPH**

Five.

 **MICHELLE**

Forty-five.

 **STEPH**

Ten.

 **MICHELLE**

Thirty.

 **STEPH**

Twenty. Final offer.

 **MICHELLE**

Deal.

 **GIA**

Come on. If we want to get really drunk  
be twelve, we have to get going too.

 **MICHELLE**

 _Drunk_? Hm...I'm going to have to raise the price.

 **STEPH**

Oh, come on, Michelle. We're just trying to have fun.

 **MICHELLE**

Fine...just don't get caught.

 **STEPH**

Thanks.

 **GIA**

Now go put on a crop top and a miniskirt.

 **STEPH**

Okay.

 **Stephanie runs up.**

 **MICHELLE**

And if you get knocked up, don't blame me.

 **Stephanie stops.**

 **STEPH**

 _Knocked up?!_

 **MICHELLE**

Well, you're going to a night club...on New Year's Eve  
... dressed like hookers...with a bunch of drunk men...

 **STEPH**

Aw _, Michelle_ \- how do you even _know_ this stuff?!

 **MICHELLE**

Have you _seen_ your friends?

 **Steph glances at Gia.**

 **STEPH**

Good point.

 ** _AT THE CLUB_**

 **Joey, Jesse, Becky, Danny, and D.J. enter the club.**

 **D.J.**

Oh my lanta...is this what a real club looks like?

 **JESSE**

You haven't even seen the best parts.

 **Danny glares at him.**

 **JESSE**

Uh, which you will most certainly _not_ be  
seeing until you're twenty-one.

 **JOEY**

Let's find some seats.

 **JESSE**

You guys go. I'm going to find a pay phone and call  
Ida to make sure she's not doing anything to the boys.

 **BECKY**

You're paranoid.

 **JESSE**

Hey. Ida has scissors. The boys have  
hair. Bad things are bound to happen.

 **Becky rolls her eyes and Jesse leaves.**

 **BECKY**

This place is packed!

 **JOEY**

I guess we have to stand.

 **DANNY**

Ooh. There are some seats.

 **JOEY**

But there are people sitting at that table.

 **DANNY**

They're not using the entire table.

 **The gang goes over to the empty table.**

 **DANNY**

Excuse me, ladies, is the rest of this table free?

 **DARCIE**

Of course, sit down.

 **DANNY**

Thanks.

 **They sit.**

 **IVY**

So you are...

 **DANNY**

Oh, my name is Danny Tanner. This is my friend Joey,  
my sister-in-law, Becky, and my daughter D.J.

 **IVY**

I'm Ivy, and this is Darcy.

 **JOEY**

Nice to meet you.

 **DARCIE**

Oh same here. It's not often that we run  
into two gorgeous men on New Year's Eve.

 **Darcie and Ivy smile at them.**

 **D.J. groans.**

 **D.J.**

This is going to be a _long_ night.

 ** _AT A PAY PHONE_**

 **Jesse is on the phone with Ida.**

 **JESSE**

Ida, I told you, their hair is fine.

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

Yes, I'm aware that they have adorable little faces.

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

I know, Ida.

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

 _Yes_ , Ida.

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

No, no, no! Not even a little trim! _Yes_ I'm sure!

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

Ida, I'm warning you, if you so much  
as touch one hair on their heads...

 **Becky comes outside to him.**

 **JESSE**

 _Yes_ I know what color their eyes are.

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

No, I am _not_ going to prove it.

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

Fine. Brown.

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

Blue.

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

Green?

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

You did _not_ 'tell me so'! Uh, no- Boys, run  
for your lives! Hello? Hello?

 **Jesse hangs up.**

 **JESSE**

I really despise your relatives.

 **BECKY**

Believe me, sometimes I do too. Come  
join us. We're ordering drinks.

 **JESSE**

Okay. Wow. Look at the stars.

 **BECKY**

Yeah. They're beautiful.

 **They sigh.**

 **BECKY**

It's so cold out here.

 **Jesse slings his arm around her shoulder.**

 **They kiss.**

 _ **IN STEPHANIE AND MICHELLE'S ROOM**_

 **Stephanie and Gia are putting on make-up.**

 **STEPH**

Oh, Michelle's right. We _do_ look like hookers.

 **GIA**

Well, good. That's what we're going for.

 **Stephanie stares blankly at Gia.**

 **STEPH**

It is?

 **GIA**

Don't ask questions.

 **STEPH**

There's no way we'll get in. They'll  
ask for ID. We'll get arrested!

 **GIA**

Even if we don't get in, they can't arrest us for trying.  
And besides, I'm sure the cops have more important things  
to do. Like break up fights.

 **STEPH**

Huh?

 **GIA**

I said don't ask questions. Just don't  
worry okay? I've got this.

 **STEPH**

You'd better.

 **GIA**

If it'll make you feel better, I can make us fake ID's.

 **STEPH**

How exactly will that make me feel better? I  
think committing one crime is enough, thanks.

 **Michelle walks into her room, and immediately starts laughing.**

 **STEPH**

 _What._

 **MICHELLE**

You guys look ridiculous!

 **STEPH**

I told you the blue blush was too much.

 **GIA**

Don't even take fashion advice from a nine-year-old.

 **Stephanie nods.**

 **GIA**

I think we're about ready to go.

 **STEPH**

Okay. Michelle, you promised...

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah, yeah. Go have your fun.

 **Stephanie and Gia leave the room.**

 **MICHELLE**

And use protection!

 **STEPH**

Michelle!

 ** _AT THE CLUB_**

 **Danny, Joey, Ivy, and Darcy are flirting, while poor D.J. looks hella bored.**

 **IVY**

So, Danny, you're a single dad?

 **DANNY**

Yup. I have three daughters.

 **DARCIE**

Wow. How do you manage?

 **DANNY**

Well, Joey and my brother-in-law, Jesse,  
moved in years ago to help raise my girls.

 **IVY**

That's so nice of them.

 **DARCIE**

So where are your other girls?

 **DANNY**

Oh, they're minors. Had to stay home.

 **IVY**

On New Year's Eve. Bummer.

 **DARCIE**

And what about your brother-in-law?

 **Jesse and Becky come back into the club.**

 **JESSE**

Hey. Sorry we're late.

 **DANNY**

Uh, Jesse, this is Darcy and Ivy.

 **JESSE**

Nice to meet you.

 **They shake hands.**

 **IVY**

So...you're the famous Jesse.

 **JESSE**

Uh...yeah, I think so. And this is my wife, Bec-

 **DARCIE**

Oh, we've met. So...you live with your nieces?

 **JESSE**

Yeah...

 **IVY**

I think it's so great how some people are willing  
to give up their whole lives for their families.

 **Jesse slowly nods, as Ivy and Darcy slide away from Danny and Joey and over to him.**

 ** _IN FRONT OF THE CLUB_**

 **Gia and Stephanie come up to the club.**

 **STEPH**

What if my dad's in there?

 **GIA**

Did they say which club they were going to?

 **STEPH**

No.

 **GIA**

Oh. Well, what are the odds that they're in this one?

 **STEPH**

Probably too high for my liking. Remind me  
why we're going clubbing again?

 **GIA**

To have fun...and get drunk.

 **STEPH**

I'm not allowed to drink.

 **GIA**

You're not allowed to go to a _club,_  
that's not stopping you, is it?

 **STEPH**

It should be!

 **GIA**

Come on. It'll be fun.

 **STEPH**

Okay fine. Let's go. But I don't know  
how we're going to get in.

 **GIA**

Watch and learn.

 **They go up to the ticket stand.**

 **TICKET DUDE**

I'm sorry, it's eighteen and up.

 **GIA**

Yeah, we know.

 **TICKET DUDE**

So...you have to be eighteen to go in.

 **GIA**

We know.

 **TICKET DUDE**

Uh...so you can't go in.

 **GIA**

Why not?

 **TICKET DUDE**

Because you're not eighteen.

 **GIA**

Aren't we?

 **TICKET DUDE**

Um...no.

 **GIA**

And why do you figure that?

 **TICKET DUDE**

Because you're _not._

 **GIA**

Do you have proof?

 **TICKET DUDE**

I don't need proof.

 **GIA**

Oh really?

 **TICKET DUDE**

May I see your ID's?

 **GIA**

So you don't trust us?

 **TICKET DUDE**

Uh..no, I do not.

 **GIA**

Isn't there some rule that all employees must trust their costumers?

 **TICKET DUDE**

No there is not.

 **GIA**

Really? May I see proof?

 **TICKET DUDE**

That there's no rule?

 **GIA**

Mm-hm.

 **TICKET DUDE**

No.

 **GIA**

Why not?

 **TICKET DUDE**

Because.

 **GIA**

Because you don't _have_ any, right?

 **TICKET DUDE**

 _No..._

 **GIA**

Then why not?

 **TICKET DUDE**

You're holding up the line.

 **GIA**

Ooh, changing the subject, eh?

 **TICKET DUDE**

I am _not_ changing the subject.

 **GIA**

I happen to disagree.

 **TICKET DUDE**

I don't care if you happen to disagree.  
You're keeping the others waiting.

 **GIA**

Well, _I'm_ not the one refusing to sell us tickets, now am I?

 **TICKET DUDE**

I'm sorry, you have to be eighteen, and since  
you're not, I can't let you in. Have a nice day.

 **GIA**

Isn't there a law that you have to pass kindergarten  
in order to get a job, especially at a club?

 **TICKET DUDE**

I'm sure there is.

 **GIA**

Well then I hardly think you're qualified for this  
job if you don't know that when it's dark outside,  
it's nighttime, not daytime? Therefore, 'Have a nice day'  
wouldn't be an appropriate phrase to use in this particular  
situation. Don't you people get trained?

 **TICKET DUDE**

Alright fine! It's eight dollars each!

 **Gia gets out her wallet, and smirks at Stephanie, who looks impressed.**

 _ **AT THE CLUB**_

 **JOEY**

Uh, I'll have a Martini, extra ice.

 **DANNY**

And a Margarita, no ice.

 **BECKY**

I'll have a white wine, please.

 **JESSE**

I'll have a Martini too.

 **IVY**

On me.

 **JESSE**

Oh, no, that's okay, I can-

 **IVY**

Please. Allow me. It's New Year's Eve!

 **JESSE**

Oh, uh...okay.

 **D.J.**

And I'll have a whiskey...no, a wine  
...no, uh...a Martini. No wait...

 **Her family looks at her.**

 **D.J.**

A coke will be fine.

 **The waitress nods and leaves.**

 **JESSE**

Okay, you know, what, I'm going to  
go call Ida again. Be right back.

 **BECKY**

Oh, come on, Jess. Relax.

 **JESSE**

I cannot relax when there's the possibility  
that my boys will come home with buzz cuts.

 **Jesse leaves.**

 **DANNY**

I'm going to call home and make sure  
Stephanie and Michelle are okay.

 **Danny goes to a pay phone next to the bathroom.**

 **Danny calls home.**

 **(Split screen)**

 **MICHELLE**

Hello?

 **DANNY**

Hi, honey.

 **MICHELLE**

Dad! What do you need?

 **DANNY**

Uh, nothing. I-

 **MICHELLE**

Okay bye!

 **DANNY**

Michelle! Hold on. How are you?

 **MICHELLE**

I'm fine.

 **DANNY**

Good. How's Stephanie?

 **MICHELLE**

Uh...Stephanie?

 **DANNY**

Your sister?

 **MICHELLE**

Hmm...Stephanie...sister...nope. Doesn't ring a bell.

 **DANNY**

 _Michelle_...where is she?

 **MICHELLE**

Uh, she's here.

 **DANNY**

Where?

 **MICHELLE**

Home.

 **DANNY**

Can I talk to her?

 **MICHELLE**

Uh...no.

 **DANNY**

Why not?

 **MICHELLE**

Because she's in the washroom.

 **DANNY**

What about Gia?

 **MICHELLE**

She's in the washroom too.

 **DANNY**

The same one?

 **MICHELLE**

I don't know. Maybe.

 **DANNY**

Michelle-

 **MICHELLE**

Well, nice talking to you. Bye!

 **Michelle hangs up and Danny's just like ?**

 **Camera cuts to Jesse on the phone with Ida.**

 **JESSE**

Ida? You're not doing anything to the boys, are you?

 **NICKY**

 **(over the phone)** Daddy! Help!

 **JESSE**

What are you doing to them?

 **IDA**

 **(over the phone)** Nothing! Nothing! Hold still, hon...

 **JESSE**

If you even touch a hair on their heads  
...where am I? I'm at the library.

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

Yes, I'm sure.

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

What's that music? What music?

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

That's not music...those are voices. Yeah. Yeah,  
that's Elvis. He's here right now. Yes, at the library. Say hi, Elvis.

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

Yes, I'm aware that you're not allowed  
to sing at a library. Yes, or talk.

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

Well, it's New Year's Eve. People are rebellious.

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

Um...of _course_ the library is open at  
eleven PM on a federal holiday...why wouldn't it be?

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

Ida, look. Just don't cut their hair, okay?

 **Pause.**

 **JESSE**

No, I mean it! Ida...

 **Camera cuts to Becky, Ivy, and Darcy.**

 **DARCIE**

So...Becca, is it?

 **BECKY**

Becky.

 **IVY**

Is your husband single?

 **...**

 **BECKY**

Do you even _know_ how wrong that sounds?

 **IVY**

Like, not counting you.

 **BECKY**

Well, not counting his _wife_ , yes, I'm pretty sure he is single.

 **DARCIE**

Great!...

 **Becky slowly gets up and backs away.**

 **BECKY**

Okay, uh...I'm gonna go...get something...

 **Joey comes back from the bathroom.**

 **JOEY**

Wow. The men's room was packed. I-

 **BECKY**

Come on, Joey, let's go get something.

 **Becky grabs his arm and drags him away.**

 **JOEY**

Huh? What do we have to get?

 ** _STILL AT THE CLUB_**

 **Gia and Steph are sitting in a booth.**

 **GIA**

Keep a low profile. We don't want to get caught.

 **STEPH**

How did you _do_ that?

 **GIA**

What?

 **STEPH**

You got him to let us in.

 **GIA**

Oh. Yeah, it's a gift.

 **STEPH**

You've done this before?

 **GIA**

Hello? Do you _know_ who you're talking to?

 **STEPH**

Right.

 **GIA**

So, you want something to drink?

 **STEPH**

Yeah, sure. I'll have a ginger-ale.

 **Gia stares at her.**

 **GIA**

Good one. No, seriously.

 **STEPH**

What?

 **GIA**

We're at a bar, and you want a ginger-ale?

 **STEPH**

Um...yeah...

 **Gia shakes her head.**

 **GIA**

You've got a lot to learn. Okay,  
get your pop. I'm having a beer.

 **STEPH**

How are we going to get it? The bartenders  
aren't just going to give any alcohol to a couple of kids.

 **GIA**

I got this.

Gia goes over to a tabla and picks up a glass and throws it on the ground.

The bartender quickly run over.

 **STEPH**

Wha...

 **GIA**

There. Free counter.

 **STEPH**

You have excellent problem-solving skills.

 **Gia grins and crosses over to the counter, and just casually pours a beer for herself and a ginger-ale for Steph.**

 **STEPH**

We can just _do_ that?

 **GIA**

No.

 **STEPH**

Oh. Okay.

 **Stephanie looks around.**

 **GIA**

What are you doing?

 **STEPH**

Making sure the others aren't here.

 **GIA**

You need to chill. Are you sure you don't want some beer?

 **STEPH**

I'm fine. Hey, you don't think Michelle will rat on us, do you?

 **GIA**

Uh...I would have just snuck out.

 **STEPH**

This place is weird.

 **GIA**

Oh, there are a lot of better clubs out there.

 **STEPH**

You have too much information.

 **GIA**

Hm.

 **STEPH**

You know, maybe I'll have just a little bit...

 **Gia gives her the glass, and she takes a sip.**

 **Stephanie makes a face.**

 **STEPH**

How do you _drink_ that stuff?

 **GIA**

You get used to it after a while.

 **Stephanie looks at her.**

 **STEPH**

Why do you do it?

 **GIA**

What?

 **STEPH**

I mean, it's obviously not for the taste. So why?

 **GIA**

Why _what?_

STEPH

Why do you drink? And it's not just that,  
you've started smoking again, you cut class, you sneak  
into bars, you never listen to your mom. Why? Do you have  
something against the world?

 **GIA**

You wouldn't understand.

 **STEPH**

Try me.

 **STEPH**

Fine. My mom...is pregnant.

 **STEPH**

...What?

 **GIA**

Yup. Pregnant. And guess who the father is? My dad.

 **Steph stares at her.**

 **GIA**

My mom is pregnant with my dad's child, which means  
I'm going to have a sister or a brother even though I hate children.  
This also means that my mom and dad have been seeing each other  
behind my back for a while now, and now my father, which I hate,  
is going to start being around way more, or even move in with us! Is that  
enough problems for you?!

 **Wow. That escalated quickly.**

 **STEPH**

Oh...uh...why didn't you tell me?

 **GIA**

What's the point? Telling you isn't going to change anything.

 **STEPH**

But...I don't know...I'm so sorry.

 **GIA**

You see? I knew you would feel sorry for me!  
I hate it when people feel sorry for me. It makes me  
feel so lame and helpless! I don't want to be like that!

 **STEPH**

Oh, but being like _this_ is okay?!

 **GIA**

Well, if you don't like my style of living,  
why did you even become friends with me in the first place?  
You're such a goody-two-shoes, and I'm the 'bad girl'. We should've  
just stayed enemies!

 **STEPH**

If that's what you want, then fine!

 **GIA**

Fine!

 **Gia slams down her drink and storms off.**

 **GIA**

Enjoy your ginger-ale!

 _ **WE'RE STILL AT THE CLUB, GUYS**_

 **Everyone is laughing and telling jokes while Becky just drinking wine from a bottle.**

 **JOEY**

So then I tell him; that sounds more like John **  
**Wayne than Wayne Newton!

 **Everyone laughs. (don't blame 'em they're drunk)**

 **Becky continues to drink wine like a boss.**

 **JESSE**

Hey, Beck. That's your third bottle of wine tonight.

 **Becky blinks.**

 **BECKY**

Huh?

 **JOEY**

You're going to knock yourself out.

 **Becky blinks.**

 **BECKY**

Huh?

 **JESSE**

Too late.

 **DANNY**

Okay. We have eight minutes until 1996.

 **IVY**

Free shots all around!

 **D.J.**

Alright!

 **She gets the look again.**

 **Danny looks across the room and spots Stephanie sitting at the bar counter, stirring her ginger-ale.**

 **Danny stares at her.**

 **JOEY**

How about you, Dan?

 **DANNY**

Huh?

 **JOEY**

Tequila?

 **DANNY**

Uh, yeah, order for me. I'll be right back.

 **Danny gets up and goes over to Steph.**

 **DANNY**

Hey, pretty girl. Can I get you a Martini  
or would a chocolate milk be fine?

 **STEPH**

Dad!

 **DANNY**

You know, I can even get you a bib if you want.

 **STEPH**

This isn't what it looks like.

 **DANNY**

Really? Because what it looks like is my  
thirteen-year-old daughter sitting at a club bar wearing clothes  
and make-up that only a thirteen-year-old at a club bar  
would be wearing! And _what_ are you drinking?

 **STEPH**

It's just ginger-ale.

 **DANNY**

Do you know how disappointed I am in  
you? What were you even thinking-

 **STEPH**

Stop.

 **DANNY**

 _What?_

 **STEPH**

I already know what you're going to say.  
You're disappointed and angry that I snuck into a bar.  
You're upset that I left Michelle at home alone when you  
told me to watch her. I could've gotten hurt, kidnapped,  
raped, or worse. I broke the law. I'm always supposed to tell  
the truth and ask for your approval before I do anything.  
You only want me to be safe because you love me.  
I'm grounded for a month. That pretty much cover it?

 **Danny looks at her.**

 **DANNY**

Yeah, I guess...

 **Steph goes back to stirring her drink.**

 **DANNY**

What happened, Steph?

 **Stephanie sighs.**

 **STEPH**

I don't know. I wanted to come here so I could be in the  
real world, you know, out there. Even if it was only for a  
few hours. I didn't want to be the one who sat home by  
herself like a little kid while the others went out and had fun.  
I thought it would be cool, but _boy_ was I wrong.

 **DANNY**

Why is that?

 **STEPH**

The people here look so wasted, like they spent  
their whole lives cooped up in a club. Getting drunk.  
Looking like they're having fun, but really not.  
And then there's Gia...

 **DANNY**

What about Gia?

 **STEPH**

I asked her why she was such a rebel, and  
she got really mad...and you know...she's going through a  
weird time. I only made things worse.

 **DANNY**

Oh.

 **STEPH**

I was just trying to help.

 **DANNY**

Sometimes the best help is not to say anything at all.

 **STEPH**

Well, good to know.

 **Silence.**

 **STEPH**

So are you gonna punish me?

 **DANNY**

No.

 **Steph looks up.**

 **STEPH**

Excuse me? _No?_

 **DANNY**

I think you've punished yourself enough.  
You've learned your lesson. I'll let it slide.

 **STEPH**

You? Let something _slide_? Are parents even allowed to _do_ that?

 **DANNY**

Well, it's New Year's Eve. And I trust you  
won't be sneaking into any more clubs anytime soon?

 **STEPH**

 _Definitely._ Thanks.

 **Guess what happens now? That's right, they hug.**

 **DANNY**

But I suggest you get things right  
with Gia. Then come join us.

 **STEPH**

What? We aren't going home?

 **DANNY**

I think your Aunt Becky is too drunk to move right now, so no.

 **STEPH**

You are being a _horrible_ parent right now. You _do_ know that right?

 **DANNY**

I told you, it's New Year's Eve. I'm not responsible to parent.

 **Danny gets up to leave.**

 **DANNY**

And by the way, you look like a hooker.

 **STEPH**

Don't I know it.

 **Danny smiles and leaves.**

 **Gia comes out of the washroom.**

 **Gia and Steph stare at each other.**

 **STEPH**

I-

 **GIA**

You-

 **STEPH**

You first.

 **GIA**

I don't want to fight. Or be enemies.

 **STEPH**

Me neither.

 **GIA**

And you're right. I _am_ a rebel. But I have my reasons.

 **STEPH**

I know. I shouldn't have said anything.

 **GIA**

Sorry I flipped out.

 **STEPH**

It's okay. Friends?

 **GIA**

Best friends.

 **Hugs.**

 **STEPH**

I have to go meet my dad.

 **GIA**

You're _dad_ is here?

 **STEPH**

Yeah, but it's okay. He's cool about it.  
Wow, I don't think I've ever said those words.

 **GIA**

I wish _my_ dad was like yours.

 **STEPH**

I'm sure everything will be fine.

 **GIA**

I guess.

 **They go over to their table and everyone stares at them.**

 **JESSE**

 _Stephanie?!_

 **DANNY**

It's fine.

 **They sit down.**

 **D.J.**

How did you manage to get in here?

 **STEPH**

Gia.

 **D.J.**

'Nuff said.

 **DARCIE**

Oh, they're counting down the seconds.

 **10...9...8..7...6...5...4...3...2...1...**

 **EVERYONE**

Happy New Year!

 **They all gulp down their shots.**

 **Stephanie and D.J. do cheers with their sodas.**

 **STEPH**

Hey...let's not come to any more bars anytime soon, okay?

 **Gia grins.**

 **GIA**

Fine, Blondie.

 **They do cheers.**

 **-END TUNE-**

* * *

 **Question of the Week: How many episodes was Rusty in?**

 **(BTW, I can see if you search things up. I'm am IlluminatiGirl. I see all...)**


	10. Ep 10- Chess Geeks

**A/N: Hey people. First of all, thanks for reviewing, as always. =D Second, for those people who only answer the question of the week, and don't say anything else, I'm staring to wonder if you just skip to the bottom and not read the actual episode. If that's not the case, could you please actually review as well? Anyways, last week's Question of the Week winner is** **Iris Stardust** **! Good job! New episode this week of course. Enjoy!**

 **P.S. (Three guesses for what I'm going to say...)**

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode Ten**

 **Chess Geeks**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Nicky is playing with French Fry.**

 **NICKY**

Hey, French Fry, wanna meet your new friend?

 **Nicky holds up Joey's Mr. Potato Head.**

 **NICKY**

This is Mr. Potato Head. He's a spud, too.  
Hmm...maybe I should find you a _real_ friend...

 **Jesse walks in.**

 **NICKY**

Hey, Daddy, can you help me find  
a girlfriend for French Fry?

 **JESSE**

Excuse me?

 **NICKY**

He's lonely.

 **JESSE**

Well, put him in the cupboard with the potato chips.

 **NICKY**

But he wants a _real_ friend. The chips are dead.

 **JESSE**

Okay, well, Nick, I don't have time to play matchmaker  
with a couple of bugs. But call me if you find anything;  
I'll help arrange the wedding.

 **NICKY**

Okay.

 **BECKY**

Jess! Come here!

 **NICKY**

Ooh, Daddy's in trouble!

 **JESSE**

I am not in trouble, Nick.

 **They go up to the attic.**

 **Danny and Becky are sitting at a table with a chess board, and Michelle is standing by the door, looking horrified.**

 **JESSE**

Okay, maybe I am in trouble.

 **BECKY**

We're going to teach you how to play chess!

 **JESSE**

Oh, _yeah,_ I'm in trouble.

 **DANNY**

Come on, it'll be fun.

 **MICHELLE**

I'm _sure_ it will be. See ya.

 **Michelle tries to escape her doom, but Jesse grabs her arm.**

 **JESSE**

No way. If _I_ have to suffer, so does she.

 **MICHELLE**

No fair!

 **JESSE**

Sure it's fair. I'm not biologically related  
to either of them. You, on the other hand...

 **MICHELLE**

I hate you.

 **DANNY**

Well, sit down. Let's get started.

 **JESSE**

Nicky, for your own sake, just leave right now.  
You're much too young to have the soul sucked out of you.

 **BECKY**

Oh, stop it. Chess is a great game!

 **JESSE**

I never said it's not a great game, but it's  
for you two nerds, not us rad, chilling, Elvis-lovers.  
Right, Michelle?

 **MICHELLE**

Who ever said I loved Elvis?

 **JESSE**

Work with me, kid.

 **DANNY**

This will make you smarter. Chess stimulates the mind.

 **JESSE**

Oh, we're plenty smart already. Michelle, what's 3x9?

 **MICHELLE**

27\. What's 144÷24?

 **JESSE**

6\. See? Smart. Bye!

 **DANNY**

Oh yeah? Michelle? What's the square root of 196?

 **MICHELLE**

How should I know? I'm in fourth grade.

 **DANNY**

Jesse? What's the square root of 196?

 **JESSE**

...rats.

 **DANNY**

Are you in the fourth grade, too?

 **JESSE**

Must have slept through that one.

 **DANNY**

That lesson?

 **JESSE**

Yeah, or my entire education. Same difference.

 **DANNY**

Sit. Let us stimulate your shriveled up brains.

 **MICHELLE**

I thought that the more shriveled your brain is, the higher your IQ is.

 **JESSE**

Ha! Smart!

 **Jesse and Michelle high-five.**

 **BECKY**

Here's the deal. You get to leave when you've  
completely learned, or you answer one of our trivia questions.

 **JESSE**

Fine.

 **DANNY**

Great. Now sit.

 **JESSE**

What? Can't you just ask us stuff until we get something right?

 **DANNY**

 _No_. You get one question every ten minutes.

 **JESSE**

How about five?

 **DANNY**

Alright, five. Now sit!

 **MICHELLE**

Uh...I have to go to the washroom.

 **DANNY**

No you don't. Sit.

 **MICHELLE**

I need a drink of water.

 **DANNY**

Michelle...

 **MICHELLE**

I'm about to get violently ill and you just waxed the floor.

 **DANNY**

You're making excuses. And I only  
waxed the kitchen, not the attic.

 **MICHELLE**

I'm too young to die!

 **DANNY**

No, I think you're just the perfect age.

 **Michelle sighs.**

 **MICHELLE**

I tried.

 **JESSE**

And I am forever grateful.

 **They sit.**

 **JESSE**

Can we at least get a chance to  
save our skin? Ask a question.

 **DANNY**

Who was the third president?

 **JESSE**

Who cares? He's dead.

 **BECKY**

You want out or not?

 **MICHELLE**

Nancy Reagan?

 **BECKY**

Uh...no.

 **MICHELLE**

Nancy Reagan's husband?

 **BECKY**

What's his name?

 **MICHELLE**

Does he even _have_ a name?

 **JESSE**

That's what happens when you  
make your _wife_ lead the country.

 **BECKY**

Okay, moving on. Danny, would you like to start the lesson?

 **DANNY**

It would be my pleasure. Now, as you  
probably know, this is the board-

 **JESSE**

 _Really?_

 **DANNY**

And these are the pieces.

 **JESSE**

I feel smarter already.

 **MICHELLE**

Try us.

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

What is Shakespeare's fifth play called?

 **JESSE**

...uh, so ...the pieces?

 **DANNY**

Yes. The pieces. The pieces go on  
the board. One in each square-

 **JESSE**

You know, I just had a light bulb  
moment. Could you ask again?

 **DANNY**

Will you let me talk?

 **JESSE**

Sorry.

 **DANNY**

One side get white and one side gets black.

 **MICHELLE**

Why can't you mix it up? Make it like salt and pepper.

 **DANNY**

If you have a question, raise your hand.  
Now, you see these short round pieces? Those  
are called pawns. They go at the front of the board.

 **Jesse raises his hand.**

 **DANNY**

Yes, Jesse?

 **JESSE**

Has it been five minutes yet?

 **DANNY**

 _No._ Now this is called a rook. There are four of them,  
two on each side. They go at the end of the second row.

 **Jesse raises his hand.**

 **DANNY**

 _What._

 **JESSE**

Why is it called a rook? It looks more like a sandcastle.

 **DANNY**

Does it really matter?

 **JESSE**

Hey, if my mind is going to be stimulated,  
I'd like it stimulated correctly.

 **Danny sighs.**

 **DANNY**

If you must know, in the origins of the game, chess was  
called Chaturanga and it was different from modern chess.  
The piece we call a rook was considered to be a chariot  
rather than a castle, probably because of the speed with which it moves.  
The Sanskrit word for chariot was "ratha". In Arabic it is  
still referred to as a chariot with the name "rukhkh." When the  
game spread to Europe, the word "rukhkh" sounded like the Italian  
word "rocco", which meant "tower." Since the two words sounded alike,  
the Italian word was used but the meaning changed from chariot  
to piece is still thought of as a tower in European translations.  
Various European countries use their language's word for "tower"  
rather than their words for "chariot". In Middle English the  
concept of tower eventually turned into castle  
since most castles had towers. Got it?

 **(BTW that was totally taken from some website) =P**

 **Jesse and Michelle stare at him.**

 **JESSE**

Yes, that makes _a lot_ more sense now.  
I'm glad you cleared it up.

 **Danny grins.**

 **DANNY**

Now as I was saying, beside the rooks, are  
the knights. They go on the second space in the last row.

 **MICHELLE**

That's a horse, dad.

 **DANNY**

Well, it's called a knight.

 **MICHELLE**

How come?

 **DANNY**

Let me continue. Now, these pieces are bishops.

 **JESSE**

Um-

 **DANNY**

Raise your hand.

 **Jesse raises his hand.**

 **JESSE**

Pretty sure it's been five minutes.

 **DANNY**

Explain the process of photosynthesis.

 **...**

 **DANNY**

 _Really?_ This is grade school stuff.

 **JESSE**

Hmph.

 **DANNY**

These are called bishops. They go next to the  
spaces at the back. And finally, this is the  
king and queen. They go in the middle.

 **JESSE**

Great. Are we done here?

 **DANNY**

Oh, we're just getting started.

 **Jesse and Michelle groan.**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Nicky is playing in the living room with French Fry and Mr. Potato Head.**

 **Joey comes in.**

 **JOEY**

Oh, there's my Mr. Potato Head.

 **Joey takes it.**

 **NICKY**

Joey, help me get a girlfriend for French Fry.

 **JOEY**

Why does French Fry need a girlfriend?

 **NICKY**

He's lonely.

 **JOEY**

Oh. Sure, I'll help.

 **Joey looks around and holds up his Mr. Pot head. (Ok that sounds weird)**

 **NICKY**

No. It has to be a woodlouse.

 **JOEY**

A what?

 **NICKY**

Aren't you an entomologist?

 **JOEY**

A _what?_

 **Nicky shakes his head.**

 **NICKY**

Tsk tsk, Joey. We can't make him date a lump  
of plastic...they can't talk to each other.

 **JOEY**

They can't talk anyway; they're potato bugs.

 **NICKY**

They talk in woodlouse language.

 **JOEY**

 _What_ is a woodlouse?

 **NICKY**

Come on. Let's go in the backyard and find one.

 **JOEY**

Still have no idea what a woodlouse is...

 ** _IN THE ATTIC_**

 **Jesse is staring at the board.**

 **JESSE**

So I move diagonal, right?

 **DANNY**

Remember how to move a pawn?

 **JESSE**

If I remembered, do you think I'd be asking?

 **DANNY**

Think.

 **JESSE**

Uh...capital L?

 **DANNY**

That's a knight.

 **JESSE**

Straight line?

 **BECKY**

That's a rook.

 **JESSE**

Oh! Two spaces right?

 **BECKY**

No, your pawn is in the middle of the board.

 **JESSE**

So?

 **BECKY**

You can only move two spaces if your pawn hasn't moved yet.

 **JESSE**

Seriously? _Why?!_ Why do they make it so complicated?!  
In fact, this entire game is sexist and racist. I mean, why does  
the white side always get to go first? And why is the king the most  
important piece? Huh? Why not the _queen_? You send the queen out  
to do all the fighting. but you _must_ protect the king at all times.  
And if he dies, you automatically lose? What is that teaching us?  
That if you're leader is down, you roll over and die? No! You keep  
fighting! And if this is really a game of war like you said, I should  
technically be able to place a bomb in the middle of the board and  
end this madness! I mean, why do the pieces have to move in a  
certain formation? Let them go crazy! War has no rules! In fact,  
war is about _breaking_ rules. So everything you just taught us, _useless._  
I mean, is this some sort of life lesson? Oh, if a sandcastle attacks  
me, I should just slowly step in a backwards L? Seriously? Who even  
thought of this game? Seriously, this would make more  
sense if the pieces were playing tea party!

 **Stares.**

 **MICHELLE**

I think they've over-stimulated your brain.

 **Jesse slumps down in his chair.**

 _ **IN THE BACKYARD**_

 **Nicky and Joey are looking for a potato bug.**

 **NICKY**

Found anything yet?

 **JOEY**

Nope.

 **NICKY**

Well keep looking.

 **JOEY**

Hey, where's French Fry?

 **NICKY**

I put him on the ground over there.

 **Joey looks.**

 **JOEY**

You put a _bug_ on the _ground_?

 **NICKY**

Yeah.

 **JOEY**

Oh boy. I don't see him.

 **Nicky comes over.**

 **NICKY**

Oh no! He's gone!

 **JOEY**

Oh, uh...I'm sure he's around here somewhere.

 **They get down on their hands and knees.**

 **Stephanie comes outside.**

 **STEPH**

Hey, uh...what are you doing?

 **NICKY**

French Fry got lost.

 **STEPH**

Oh, I saw a bug in the kitchen just now...

 **Nicky and Joey run in.**

 **STEPH**

It was right there next to the stove.

 **NICKY**

There he is!

 **Nicky runs over to the stove.**

 **NICKY**

French Fry! I found you...wait a minute.  
..that's not French Fry, this is too small.

 **STEPH**

Hey, you're right. It looks like a baby woodlouse.

 **JOEY**

Would you mind explaining to me what a woodlouse is?

 **STEPH**

Oh, look over there! There's another one!

 **JOEY**

What the...

 **They all run over to the counter.**

 **STEPH**

There's a whole litter over here!

 **NICKY**

Yay! A party!

 **JOEY**

How'd they get in here?

 **STEPH**

Oh, dad's gonna freak.

 **NICKY**

Let go show it to them!

 **They all go up to the attic.**

 **JESSE**

So we move it straight?

 **BECKY**

Well, do you want to hit the other team's pawn or not?

 **MICHELLE**

We do.

 **BECKY**

Then you move it diagonal.

 **JESSE**

But then it won't get the white pawn.

 **BECKY**

Then you can't hit it.

 **JESSE**

Then can I just move forward?

 **BECKY**

Well, no, because the other team's pawn is in your way.

 **JESSE**

Then why can't I hit it _out_ of the way?

 **BECKY**

Because you have to move diagonal to hit.

 **JESSE**

Do you see how unrelatable this is to war?

 **Becky sighs.**

 **JESSE**

Can you ask a question?

 **BECKY**

What's the capital of Peru?

 **JESSE**

Ugh.

 **STEPH**

We hate to interrupt-

 **JESSE**

No, _please,_ feel free to interrupt any time!

 **NICKY**

Daddy, French Fry's lost.

 **Jesse spring up from his chair.**

 **JESSE**

 _Well,_ Nicky, I'll help you find him! Come on, Michelle.

 **DANNY**

Stop. They can find French Fry without you.

 **STEPH**

And, apparently, there's been some sort of Potato  
bug spawn session, 'cause they're all over the kitchen.

 **Danny jumps up.**

 **DANNY**

 _What?!_

 **He runs down the stairs.**

 **JESSE**

 _Bless_ you.

 **They all go downstairs after Danny.**

 **Danny stops next to the counter.**

 **DANNY**

Oh my _god._ What are we gonna do?

 **JESSE**

How about we take a minute and un-stimulate our brains.

 **Jesse takes a deep breath.**

 **Danny gives him a dirty look.**

 **DANNY**

We'll have to call an exterminator.

 **NICKY**

No!

 **DANNY**

What? Why not?

 **NICKY**

He'll kill them!

 **JOEY**

That's what he's supposed to do.

 **NICKY**

But they're French Fry's babies!

 **BECKY**

Where is French Fry anyway?

 **NICKY**

I don't know, he got lost. But he can't be far from his babies...

 **JESSE**

Well, we don't really know if they're French Fry's babies...

 **Alex comes downstairs with two potato bugs.**

 **ALEX**

Hey, Nicky, I found French Fry. He was upstairs  
cuddling with this other bug.

 **Nicky runs over and takes the bugs.**

 **NICKY**

This must be their mommy.

 **DANNY**

Okay, that's great, but there's still  
a bunch of bugs in my kitchen.

 **ALEX**

Oh wow! More potatoes!

 **DANNY**

We're not keeping them, Alex.

 **NICKY**

Uncle Danny wants to kill them!

 **Alex gasps.**

 **ALEX**

Uncle Danny, how _could_ you?!

 **DANNY**

Oh, well...what do you want to do with them?

 **NICKY**

Let's keep all of them!

 **DANNY**

 _All_ of them?

 **They nod.**

 **DANNY**

Oh...alright.

 **The boys cheer.**

 **DANNY**

Round them all up and put them in a jar.  
A _tightly locked_ jar. Now, Jesse, Michelle, back to chess.

 **JESSE**

Aw...hey, Nick, do you happen to have another family crisis?

 **NICKY**

No.

 **JESSE**

Well, if I give you five bucks, will  
you have another family crisis?

 **NICKY**

Nope.

 **The boys leave the kitchen.**

 **JESSE**

Well, don't come running to _me_ when  
you need tuition for college!

 **DANNY**

Come on, we have to continue our lesson.

 **MICHELLE**

Ask a question.

 **DANNY**

What's the difference between sublimation and deposition?

 **MICHELLE**

I beg your pardon?

 **DANNY**

To the attic.

 **They go back upstairs.**

 **BECKY**

Where did we leave off?

 **JESSE**

You were _just_ wrapping up.

 **Becky rolls her eyes.**

 **They sit down.**

 **DANNY**

I think we taught them everything.

 **MICHELLE**

So we can go?

 **DANNY**

No. Now let's play a real game.

 **JESSE**

What? But I already forgot everything!

 **DANNY**

Oh. Then I guess we'll have to teach  
you everything all over again.

 **Michelle elbows Jesse in the ribs.**

 **JESSE**

Ow! I mean- I mean- who said anything  
about forgetting anything? I didn't.

 **BECKY**

Good. You want white or black?

 **MICHELLE**

But you said when we learn, we can go.

 **BECKY**

You have to prove that you've learned. White or black?

 **JESSE**

Black.

 **MICHELLE**

No, white. White gets to go first.

 **JESSE**

Again. Racist.

 **BECKY**

We're black then. Set up your pieces.

 **JESSE**

Uh...you can set up first.

 **BECKY**

Why?

 **JESSE**

Well...because is white gets to play first, then  
black should get to _set up_ first...only fair, right?

 **BECKY**

You have _no_ idea how the pieces go, do you.

 **JESSE**

Not a clue.

 **Becky sighs.**

 **BECKY**

Back to square one.

 **JESSE**

Ask.

 **BECKY**

What?

 **JESSE**

A question. Ask one.

 **BECKY**

Are you not capable of forming a complete sentence?

 **JESSE**

Nope. _Ha!_ Yes! Woo-hoo! I answered!

 **BECKY**

You did not.

 **JESSE**

Did too. You asked if I was not capable of forming  
a complete sentence, and I said no! Ha!

 **BECKY**

First of all, that wasn't a real question-

 **JESSE**

It had a question mark at the end.

 **BECKY**

And second of all, you _are_ capable of forming a  
complete sentence, so your answer was incorrect.

 **JESSE**

Dang.

 **DANNY**

Okay. Answer this riddle. There was one hundred  
bricks in a plane. One fell out. How many are left in the plane?

 **...**

 **JESSE**

Uh...is this a trick?

 **DANNY**

No.

 **JESSE**

Well...99?

 **DANNY**

Correct.

 **JESSE**

Wha-

 **DANNY**

There's more.

 **JESSE**

Huh?

 **DANNY**

It's a multiple-part riddle.

 **JESSE**

Oh.

 **DANNY**

Now...how do you put an elephant in a fridge?

 **JESSE**

Um...you...

 **MICHELLE**

You just open the fridge and put it inside.

 **DANNY**

Good. How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

 **JESSE**

Same thing.

 **MICHELLE**

No wait. First you take out the elephant.

 **JESSE**

Right! Then you put the giraffe in.

 **DANNY**

Good. Then, the lion called an emergency meeting for  
all the animals in the jungle. Which one wasn't there?

 **JESSE**

Probably two innocent creatures who were stuck in  
their cave being forced to learn how to play chess.

 **MICHELLE**

Um...

 **JESSE**

Ooh! The giraffe. 'Cause he was still in the fridge!

 **DANNY**

That's right.

 **JESSE**

Yes!

 **DANNY**

Now, a man was-

 **MICHELLE**

How long is this?

 **DANNY**

Nearly done. A man was crossing a river which was  
usually infested with crocodiles at that hour.  
Why wasn't he killed?

 **JESSE**

Hm...

 **MICHELLE**

The crocodiles were at the jungle meeting!

 **JESSE**

Oh. Right.

 **DANNY**

Last one. Why was the man killed anyway?

 **JESSE**

Uh... _after_ he crossed the river?

 **DANNY**

Mm-hm.

 **MICHELLE**

Um...I don't know...

 **JESSE**

Oh oh oh oh oh! The- the brick! The brick that  
fell out of the plane landed on his head and killed him! Right?

 **DANNY**

Correct!

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah!

 **Michelle and Jesse high-five.**

 **DANNY**

Now set up your board.

 **JESSE**

Wha- but- but-

 **MICHELLE**

You said we can go!

 **DANNY**

Well, you can, but you don't have to.

 **JESSE**

We want to!

 **BECKY**

You do?

 **JESSE**

Yes! You told us when we answered  
a question, we get to leave. Right?

 **DANNY**

Well, yeah-

 **JESSE**

Well, you asked, we answered,  
and now we're leaving. Good-bye.

 **Jesse and Michelle get up to go.**

 **DANNY**

Okay, fine. You win. Look, I'm sorry we made you sit  
through this. I just thought it would be fun to pass on  
knowledge of this great game to future generations.

 **JESSE**

I'm only five years younger than you.

 **DANNY**

Yeah, but you aren't familiar with the  
process of photosynthesis, so...

 **JESSE**

Good point. But, Danny, not every game is for everyone.

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah. And by the way, photosynthesis  
is turning sunlight into oxygen.

 **JESSE**

Oh. Okay, well...hey, wait a minute...if  
you _knew_ that, why didn't you answer?

 **MICHELLE**

Uh...what?

 **JESSE**

You didn't say anything when he asked the question.

 **MICHELLE**

Oh, didn't I?

 **Jesse gives her a look.**

 **MICHELLE**

Well, I'm sorry, Uncle Jesse, but I just wanted  
to see what chess was. I mean, I wasn't thrilled  
about it, but I wanted to give it a chance.

 **DANNY**

See? My daughter is much more open-minded.

 **Jesse sighs.**

 **JESSE**

I guess I _was_ pretty quick to judge.

 **MICHELLE**

If you don't try new things, you'll never  
know what you're missing out on.

 **JESSE**

When did _you_ get so philosophical?

 **MICHELLE**

Oh my god. I'm turning into dad.

 **DANNY**

 _Ahem._

 **MICHELLE**

Which is...great!

 **JESSE**

But you're right. It's not _that_ bad. Confusing  
as hell, but not that bad. Okay, I'll play one game.

 **DANNY**

Great! White or black?

 **JESSE**

White. But it's still racist.

 **BECKY**

Okay, set up the broad.

 **JESSE**

Uh, Michelle, you can do that.

 **MICHELLE**

Why me?

 **JESSE**

You're the one who wanted to play.

 **BECKY**

Oh, never mind. I'll set up first. Watch carefully.  
First, you put the pawns on the second row of  
your side, eight in total...

 **JESSE**

 **(to Michelle)** You will _pay_ for this.

 **Michelle chuckles.**

 **BECKY**

Then go the rooks in the back row, then the knights and bishops...

 **-END TUNE-**

* * *

 **Question of the Week: What is Kimmy's middle name?**

 **(Remember my all-seeing eye.)**


	11. Ep 11- We Meet Again

**A/N: Hey people. Okay, so I guess it's going to be on Sundays now. This episode is very necessary for future seasons, so burn it into your brains. Last Week's Question of the Week winner is** **Molly** **. Congrats! New one this week.**

 **P.S. (Too lazy.)**

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode Eleven**

 **We Meet Again**

 _ **IN MICHELLE AND STEPHANIE'S ROOM**_

 **Michelle runs in and slams the door.**

 **STEPH**

Oh come on, Michelle! I'm good at this!

 **MICHELLE**

Stephanie, you are _not_ giving me a make-over!

 **STEPH**

Why not?

 **MICHELLE**

Because I want my face to remain in one piece.

 **STEPH**

I promise, you'll be fine.

 **MICHELLE**

Really? 'Cause I've heard unsettling stories about  
a young man who unfortunately got his hair chopped  
off by a certain six-year-old hairdresser.

 **STEPH**

That was seven years ago! I'm much better now!

 **MICHELLE**

No!

 **STEPH**

You owe me!

 **MICHELLE**

Why do I owe you?

 **STEPH**

Uh...I don't know yet, but I'll find something.  
You might as well pay me back now.

 **MICHELLE**

Why do you even want to give me a make-over?

 **STEPH**

I'm going to Talia King's slumber party on Saturday  
and I don't want to look like an amateur.

 **Michelle sighs.**

 **MICHELLE**

Fine. But if you mess up, I get to punch you.

 **STEPH**

Sure.

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **The doorbell rings.**

 **Jesse runs over to open the door.**

 **WENDY**

Hey, Katsopolis.

 **JESSE**

Ah! Wendy! Wha- what are you doing back here?

 **WENDY**

 _Back_ here? When was I ever here?

 **JESSE**

I don't know, like three, four years ago? What do you want?

 **WENDY**

I don't _want_ anything. I'm here to see my family.

 **JESSE**

Danny! Get your butt down here!

 **Danny runs downstairs.**

 **DANNY**

Wendy! Hey!

 **He hugs her.**

 **DANNY**

You've grown up so much!

 **WENDY**

What, since I was twenty-nine? Gee thanks.

 **DANNY**

So what brings you here?

 **WENDY**

Oh, well, I've got some news. Where are my nieces?

 **DANNY**

Hold on. Stephanie! Michelle! Come down here!

 **WENDY**

Where's D.J.?

 **JESSE**

She's in college, idiot. She's nineteen.

 **DANNY**

 _Almost_ nineteen.

 **JESSE**

Do you really have to make a big thing out of being here?

 **WENDY**

Hey, remember our deal? Just chill.

 **JESSE**

I _do_ remember our deal. We agreed that we'd stay off  
each others backs the next time we were in the same room.  
And I did that the entire time you stayed over here last!  
Doesn't that count for something?

 **WENDY**

You're being a baby.

 **DANNY**

Hold on. What deal?

 **JESSE**

I kind of just explained the whole thing.

 **DANNY**

When did you make that deal?

 **WENDY**

When I left for my tour ten years ago.

 **DANNY**

Oh. That's disappointing. I was hoping you  
actually didn't hate each other anymore.

 **JESSE**

We never hated each other. We just couldn't stand each other.  
And we still can't, so Wendy, spill your news and leave.

 **WENDY**

Alright, alright. Keep your shirt on.

 **Becky, Stephanie, Michelle, Nicky and Alex come down.**

 **WENDY**

Girls! Hi!

 **STEPH**

Aunt Wendy!

 **Hugs.**

 **WENDY**

My, you've grown up! How long have I been gone?

 **JESSE**

Three years, nine months, two weeks and a day.

 **WENDY**

How-

 **JESSE**

I've been counting every moment of  
happiness when you weren't here.

 **WENDY**

You're a jerk. So, Rebecca, are these your boys?

 **BECKY**

Yup.

 **ALEX**

Who are you?

 **DANNY**

Boys, this is your...Dad's sister's husband's sister. Wendy.

 **WENDY**

Okay, I have an announcement-

 **DANNY**

Hold on. Michelle, why are you wearing an apron?

 **MICHELLE**

So I can punch Stephanie.

 **DANNY**

Oh. Okay. Proceed.

 **WENDY**

I got an apartment.

 **JESSE**

 _Congratulations_! Now go away.

 **DANNY**

Really? Where?

 **WENDY**

Here. A few blocks down.

 **JESSE**

What?

 **WENDY**

I'm opening my own animal shelter here in San Fransisco.

 **JESSE**

 _What?!_ But- but- what about your travels? What  
about your life! Your passion to see the world?  
And whatever happened to Ginger?

 **WENDY**

My monkey?

 **JESSE**

No, your edible vegetable root. Yes, your monkey!

 **WENDY**

She's back at my apartment.

 **DANNY**

You've already moved in?

 **WENDY**

Yeah, last week, when I got back from Australia.  
And while I was there, I found this.

 **Wendy reaches into her bag and pulls out a snake.**

 **Jesse yelps.**

 **JESSE**

What is _that?_

 **WENDY**

Carpet Python. Her name's Carmen. Nice huh?

 **MICHELLE**

Cool!

 **JESSE**

You got a _snake_?

 **WENDY**

Yup.

 **JESSE**

Like, seriously?

 **WENDY**

Yeah...

 **JESSE**

Let me guess...was it lost out there  
and all alone? **(wink wink)**

 **WENDY**

Well, yeah...

 **JESSE**

Wendy. There are millions of stray animals  
out there and you cannot take then all in!

 **WENDY**

You got a problem with my snake?

 **JESSE**

Um, yes? It's in my house!

 **DANNY**

 _My_ house.

 **JESSE**

And so are _you!_

 **DANNY**

Still my house.

 **WENDY**

Anyway, where's Joey?

 **JESSE**

Oh, please don't tell me you're still dating Joey...

 **WENDY**

That was years ago!

 **JESSE**

Good, so you won't be around much, right?

 **WENDY**

Actually, I will.

 **JESSE**

Huh?

 **WENDY**

I need a lot of paperwork done, and  
I was never any good at that.

 **JESSE**

Right. You failed tenth-grade economics.

 **WENDY**

I got a D-. Not the same thing.

 **STEPH**

You guys went to the same school?

 **JESSE**

Same _school_? We were in the same  
class for thirteen years!

 **WENDY**

Well, not in eleventh grade. We were in separate classes.

 **STEPH**

Ouch.

 **Joey runs down.**

 **JOEY**

Hey! Wendy!

 **WENDY**

Joey!

 **They hug.**

 **JOEY**

What are you doing here?

 **WENDY**

What, a girl can't visit her brother without a reason?

 **MICHELLE**

Not in America.

 **They all sit down on the couch.**

 **JOEY**

What happened to that job you had at the zoo?

 **WENDY**

Oh, I went on tour again. But now I'm back, and I'm  
opening an animal shelter here in San Fransisco.

 **JOEY**

Here? That's great!

 **JESSE**

 _Isn't_ it? **-_-**

 **WENDY**

I know! And the best part is I'm moving  
here permanently. I wanted to be closer to my family.

 **JESSE**

Ever stop to think that maybe your  
family doesn't want to be closer to _you?_

 **JOEY**

Hey, since you're back, do you maybe want to  
try dating again? I mean, we lost touch when you left.

 **WENDY**

Oh, well, I have a boyfriend. All part of my new  
permanent lifestyle. I'm trying to settle down.

 **JESSE**

Who?

 **WENDY**

No one you'd know.

 **JESSE**

Okay...

 **DANNY**

So who wants drinks?

 **JESSE**

I'll get them!

 **DANNY**

 _I'll_ get them. You stay here and catch up.

 **Jesse groans.**

 **STEPH**

Come on, Michelle. Let's go start your makeover.

 **JOEY**

Just for the record, there are strings  
attached to this makeover thing, right?

 **JESSE**

Yeah. I told you about the time she cut my hair. Be careful.

 **STEPH**

Man. A girl makes one mistake.

 **They go upstairs.**

 **ALEX**

Are you Wendy Tanner?

 **WENDY**

Yes I am.

 **ALEX**

I'm Alex Katsopolis.

 **WENDY**

Nice to meet you.

 **ALEX**

My daddy says you're a ho.

 **BECKY**

Uh- Alex...come on, honey, why don't  
you go upstairs and play with Nicky.

 **Nicky and Alex run upstairs.**

 **Wendy gives Jesse a look.**

 **WENDY**

Really? You just _had_ to give your children false  
impressions of me before I even met them?

 **JESSE**

Oh, relax. They don't even know what it  
means. And you have met them before.

 **WENDY**

When they were _one!_

 **JESSE**

Well, you had your chance.

 **WENDY**

And what gave you the idea to say I was a ho?

 **JESSE**

You were!

 **WENDY**

Oh- look who's talking, Mr. Slept-with-every-single-girl-in-the-school!

 **JESSE**

You dated Roger Dextman!

 **WENDY**

So?

 **JESSE**

Anyone who dated Rog was automatically a slut.

 **BECKY**

That makes no sense.

 **JESSE**

It was high school in the '70s. It was illegal to make sense.

 **WENDY**

Well, it was the same with you!

 **JESSE**

Nuh-uh! With Rog, you were a slut. With me, you were _lucky._

 **WENDY**

Oh. That's true. Rats!

 **JESSE**

Too bad _you_ never dated me.

 **WENDY**

You kissed me once, does that count?

 **JOEY**

You kissed her?!

 **WENDY**

In seventh grade.

 **JOEY**

What?!

 **Danny runs in from the kitchen.**

 **DANNY**

Did I hear that right? Jesse kissed Wendy?

 **JESSE**

It was a dare! That idiot Duane dared me!

 **WENDY**

Duane's not an idiot.

 **Jesse looks at her.**

 **WENDY**

I mean wasn't. Duane wasn't an idiot.

 **JESSE**

If you say so.

 **WENDY**

So...who's good at taxes here?

 **JESSE**

Oh, Danny's great at them! He can turn $352 into -$48.17!

 **WENDY**

Huh?

 **DANNY**

Once. That happened once.

 **JESSE**

Wendy. Come on. What do you want from us?

 **WENDY**

What? I told you-

 **JESSE**

You only need help with your taxes? That's all?

 **WENDY**

Well, to be honest...I need money.

 **DANNY**

You do?

 **WENDY**

A small loan.

 **JESSE**

That's what they all say.

 **WENDY**

Just until my business is up and running.

 **DANNY**

Oh...how much?

 **WENDY**

$3000.

 **DANNY**

Oh. Well...

 **They hear Michelle scream.**

 **DANNY**

What the-

 **They all run upstairs and into Michelle's room.**

 **Michelle is staring at her reflection in the mirror, wide-eyed.**

 **Stephanie is holding a piece of Michelle's hair.**

 **JESSE**

Ahh!

 **Jesse runs over to Michelle and examines her hair.**

 **JESSE**

Wha- wha- wha-

 **JOEY**

Take cover. He's gonna blow.

 **Jesse turns and glares at Stephanie.**

 **STEPH**

Oops.

 **JESSE**

You...

 **DANNY**

Okay, alright, it's okay Jess. Take a  
deep breath. Come on. In...out...

 **JESSE**

You expect me to _breathe_ right now?!

 **DANNY**

Sorry. Way out of line.

 **MICHELLE**

Uncle Jesse, fix it!

 **JESSE**

Okay. Steph, drop the scissors and back away slowly.

 **Stephanie obeys.**

 **JESSE**

Okay, everybody out. I need to focus. Go on, shoo!

 **Everybody steps out of the room.**

 **MICHELLE**

I would put on some football gear if I were you.

 **STEPH**

Why?

 **MICHELLE**

'Cause you're dead meat.

 _ **IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **Wendy, Nicky and Alex are in the kitchen.**

 **WENDY**

So, boys...what else did your dad tell you about me?

 **NICKY**

He said you're a really bad kisser.

 **WENDY**

Huh! Well then!

 **ALEX**

But Joey told us that's not true.

 **WENDY**

Well, you just tell your father that he's a necrophiliac, okay?

 **ALEX**

Okay.

 **They go upstairs.**

 **They see everyone standing by Michelle's door, peering inside.**

 **WENDY**

What are you-

 **EVERYONE**

Shhh!

 **WENDY**

 **(whispering)** What are you doing?

 **STEPH**

 **(whispering)** We're spying. Duh.

 **WENDY**

Oh. Of course.

 **She looks inside.**

 **Jesse is busy precisely snipping away at Michelle's hair.**

 **MICHELLE**

Are you almost done?

 **JESSE**

Hmm...no.

 **MICHELLE**

How is it?

 **JESSE**

Not good.

 **MICHELLE**

That's the last time I let Stephanie do my hair.

 **JESSE**

Good idea.

 **STEPH**

 **(whispers)** How rude.

 **NICKY**

Wanna see my bug collection?

 **BECKY**

Oh god, no.

 **NICKY**

I was talking to the ho.

 **BECKY**

 _Do not_ refer to your Aunt Wendy as 'the ho'.

 **WENDY**

I'd love to, Alex.

 **NICKY**

I'm Nicky.

 **WENDY**

Oh. My mistake.

 **NICKY**

I'll go get them.

 **Nicky leaves.**

 **WENDY**

So how about that loan?

 **DANNY**

Gee, I don't know, Wendy. $3000 is a lot of money.

 **WENDY**

I know, but I'll pay you back. I'll even pay interest if you want.

 **DANNY**

But-

 **WENDY**

Plus, you'll be investing in a good cause. And if I  
have a place to keep the animals then I won't be bringing  
home monkeys and snakes.

 **JOEY**

You have a snake?

 **WENDY**

Carpet Python.

 **She takes it out and shows it to him.**

 **Nicky comes back into the hallway.**

 **NICKY**

Here they are.

 **WENDY**

Wow, that's a lot of bugs.

 **NICKY**

They're potatoes.

 **WENDY**

Huh?

 **BECKY**

Potato bugs.

 **WENDY**

Right.

 **NICKY**

This one's French Fry. He's the daddy.

 **Wendy looks.**

 **NICKY**

And this is Potato Chip, the mommy.

 **WENDY**

Very nice.

 **NICKY**

And this is-

 **Suddenly, the snake reaches out and snatches the bug off Nicky's hand, and swallows it.**

 **They all stare at the snake, wide-eyed.**

 **Nicky gapes at the snake and his chin starts to quiver.**

 **BECKY**

Oh, Nicky, honey-

 **Nicky bursts into tears.**

 **BECKY**

Oh, honey, it's okay. Don't cry...

 **Jesse flings open the door.**

 **JESSE**

What the heck is going on? What happened to Nicky?

 **NICKY**

 _The giant worm ate Poutine!_

 **JOEY**

Gotta be the weirdest phrase I ever heard.

 **JESSE**

What do you mean? What's poutine?

 **BECKY**

His bug. Wendy's snake ate him. Oh, it's okay, Nick...

 **NICKY**

Why did she eat him?! He's not a _real_ potato...

 **JESSE**

Great, Wendy. Now you made my kid cry.

 **WENDY**

Wha- I- I- wha- what did _I_ do?

 **Michelle comes out of her room to see what's going on.**

 **STEPH**

Michelle, I am _so_ sorry about your hair.

 **MICHELLE**

If this is what you did to Uncle Jesse,  
I'm surprised you're still alive.

 **STEPH**

Heh.

 _ **IN THE BACKYARD**_

 **Everyone is standing around in the backyard.**

 **Nicky gives Jesse a piece of paper.**

 **NICKY**

Hey, daddy, did I write this right?

 **Jesse takes the paper**

 **JESSE**

Her liz pootin. He wuz a vere nis bug.  
Now hez masht potatos. It's perfect, Nick.

 **Nicky sticks the sign in the dirt.**

 **STEPH**

Um...technically, Poutine doesn't lie  
there, he's in Carmen's stomach.

 **Nicky looks sad.**

 **JOEY**

We're honoring a dead bug. We can improvise.

 **NICKY**

Daddy, can you give the eulogy?

 **JESSE**

The- how do you even know what that is?

 **NICKY**

Please?

 **JESSE**

Alright. Uh...well, we are gathered here today to  
honor...Poutine. Uh, he was a very special bug...uh- spud- and  
um..he will be greatly missed by his potato family.  
He was very, um...kind and...dedicated to, uh...well  
anyway, rest in peace.

 **NICKY**

Amen.

 **JESSE**

 _Amen?_ What TV shows are you watching?

 **Nicky looks at him.**

 **JESSE**

Uh, I mean...Amen.

 **NICKY**

Now let us have a moment of silence.

 **Nicky puts his hands together in front of him.**

 **JESSE**

 _Oh_ boy...

 **The others follow.**

 **They are silent for a moment.**

 **WENDY**

 **(whispers)** So...the money?

 **DANNY**

Wendy, you're never gonna learn to fend for  
yourself if you always depend on someone.

 **WENDY**

I don't always depend on someone!

 **DANNY**

Remember the time I gave you $1500 for your tour in Africa?

 **WENDY**

Well, I payed you back.

 **NICKY**

We're trying to have a moment of silence.

 **WENDY**

 **(whispers)** Sorry.

 **They're silent for a moment.**

 **DANNY**

I'll only give you the money if you  
promise not to pay me back.

 **WENDY**

What? You want me to _not_ pay you back?

 **DANNY**

That's right. I don't want you to owe me anything.

 **WENDY**

Why not?

 **DANNY**

Pretend it's your own. It'll teach you business.

 **WENDY**

How is taking money from someone gonna teach me business?

 **JOEY**

He's offering you free money. Just take it.

 **Alex turns to Jesse.**

 **ALEX**

Daddy, you're a necrophiliac.

 **JESSE**

 _Excuse me?!_

 **NICKY**

Shh!

 **JESSE**

Where did you learn _that?!_

 **Wendy whistles casually.**

 **Jesse narrows his eyes at her.**

 **WENDY**

What?

 **JESSE**

You teaching my kid bad words?

 **WENDY**

It's not a bad word...it means being  
attracted to a dead corpse-

 **JESSE**

Uh, we're trying to have a moment of silence for this  
innocent bug that you're snake killed, so...shush.

 **Michelle groans.**

 **MICHELLE**

How long is a _moment?_

 **DANNY**

So is it a deal?

 **WENDY**

I don't know. You're logic makes no sense,  
and I wouldn't feel right taking money from you.

 **JOEY**

I don't see what the problem is. You  
want money, he's giving you money.

 **JESSE**

Hey, Alex, come here.

 **Jesse whispers something in Alex's ear.**

 **ALEX**

Aunt Wendy, you're a bibliophile.

 **WENDY**

What? Jess, you know that means someone  
who reads a lot of books, right?

 **JESSE**

Oh, well...of course _you_ would know what the word means.

 **WENDY**

Why is that?

 **JESSE**

'Cause you're a bibliophile.

 **WENDY**

Ugh.

 **NICKY**

Alright, the moment of silence is over.

 **WENDY**

Hallelujah.

 **NICKY**

I have now prepared a short two-hour play of the  
story of Poutine's life, in his honor, starring Potato Patty as Poutine.

 **Everybody groans.**

 **NICKY**

You may take your seats.

 **They all reluctantly sit on the ground.**

 **Nicky brings out the jar of bugs and puts them all on the ground.**

 **NICKY**

Uh...Patty, you're supposed to be over there,  
remember? And guys... you're all supposed to be  
in balls...okay hold on-

 **Nicky screams.**

 **JESSE**

Ahh! What-

 **The bugs all curl up.**

 **NICKY**

There we go. Now, we begin the story of Poutine's life,  
entitled _'Covered in Gravy; The Story of Poutine_ '. Enjoy!

 **Nick sits down.**

 **JESSE**

I swear this is a gifted child.

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Everyone is lying around on the couches, when Michelle comes downstairs wearing a helmet.**

 **DANNY**

Uh, Michelle, what are you wearing?

 **MICHELLE**

A helmet.

 **DANNY**

I realized. Why?

 **MICHELLE**

Hello? Did you _see_ my hair? I can't walk around like that!

 **DANNY**

Honey, you can't wear a helmet inside. It's too hot.

 **MICHELLE**

It's February.

 **DANNY**

In San Fransisco.

 **Michelle groans and goes back upstairs.**

 **Danny gives Stephanie a look.**

 **STEPH**

Okay, so it happened _twice_. Give me a break!

 **Jesse sighs.**

 **JESSE**

Alright, Danny. Can you hurry it up with Wendy do she can leave?

 **DANNY**

Wendy, I will give you the money, but you have to keep it. Okay?

 **JOEY**

I'm sorry, but I still see no logic in this deal.

 **DANNY**

And you probably never will. What do you say?

 **WENDY**

Okay. It's a deal. How can I say no to that?

 **JOEY**

Well you certainly tried.

 **Michelle comes back down wearing a baseball cap.**

 **MICHELLE**

There. Is that better?

 **DANNY**

Very.

 **JESSE**

Oh, got one. Wendy, you're an imbecile.

 **WENDY**

A what?

 **JESSE**

I win! We should go to the pool wore often.  
Pick up some old-guy slang.

 **WENDY**

You're so immature.

 **JESSE**

You're the one who called me a necrophiliac.

 **WENDY**

I did _not_ , Nicky did.

 **ALEX**

I'm Alex.

 **WENDY**

Right.

 **BECKY**

Can you _please_ not start right now? It's almost  
six o'clock and I just spent two hours watching potato bugs  
roll around and bump into each other. I'm beat.

 **WENDY**

Oh, is it six o'clock already?

 **JOEY**

5:45.

 **WENDY**

Oh, I better get home. My boyfriend's waiting for me.

 **DANNY**

Ooh...living with your boyfriend. Impressive, sis.

 **WENDY**

Well, we're not living together, per se...but you never know. Maybe soon.

 **DANNY**

Wow. You really are starting to settle down, aren't you?

 **WENDY**

I'm trying.

 **DANNY**

Are you sure you don't want to stay for dinner?

 **WENDY**

I really can't, but thanks. Well, I'll se you guys around.  
Now that I live ten minutes away, I can visit _whenever_ I want.

 **JESSE**

Can't _wait._

 **NICKY**

And take your snake with you!

 **JESSE**

I'll have some nice long insults for you next time.

 **WENDY**

So will I. Bye Jess.

 **JESSE**

Don't say goodbye to me!

 **Wendy chuckles and leaves.**

 **NICKY**

Well good riddance.

 **JESSE**

Yeah. Good job, Nick, you're catching on.

 **Danny sighs and rolls his eyes.**

 **MICHELLE**

Can I do something I've been meaning to do now?

 **DANNY**

Uh, sure.

 **Michelle looks at Stephanie and starts chasing after her.**

 **STEPH**

Leave me alone! It only happened twice!

 **JESSE**

Watch out. Any one of you could be next  
on Stephanie's hair-destruction list.

 **The others stare at him.**

 **STEPH**

Ahh! Michelle! Ow. Come on, leave me alone! Ow! _Michelle..._

 **-END TUNE-**

* * *

 **Question of the Week: What were Pam and Danny going to name D.J.?**


	12. Ep 12- HBTY

**A/N: Hey people. Sorry about the delay. Again. Last last week's winner of the Question of the Week is roganjalex. Congrats! New one this week. This episode is a little weird in my opinion, but hopefully you guys like it. I can't always please everyone, including myself, but I try. **

**Let's call it a disclaimer from now on, shall we?**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode Twelve**

 **HBTY**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **The Tanners are hanging up decorations in the living room for D.J.'s birthday.**

 **Stephanie comes in and sees the decor.**

 **STEPH**

Wow, guys. It looks great!

 **DANNY**

You think?

 **STEPH**

Yeah. Much better than the decorations we put up for Kimmy's party.

 **JOEY**

Are you still gonna hold that against us?

 **STEPH**

You put up _toilet paper._

 **MICHELLE**

I just hope she comes home this time.

 **DANNY**

Why wouldn't she come?

 **MICHELLE**

She came home an hour late last time.

 **DANNY**

She wouldn't miss her own birthday party.

 **ALEX**

Is there gonna be cake?

 **BECKY**

Of course. It's a birthday party.

 **ALEX**

What kind?

 **MICHELLE**

Vanilla with chocolate icing and blue cream on top.

 **ALEX**

Ooh...

 **DANNY**

Michelle, you weren't supposed to see the cake.

 **MICHELLE**

You have very unrealistic expectations.

 **Danny sighs.**

 **JESSE**

Alright, are we done with the decorations?

 **JOEY**

Pretty much.

 **JESSE**

Good. What time did she say she'd be here?

 **DANNY**

6:00.

 ** _AT 7:00_**

 **MICHELLE**

Why am I getting an unsettling sense of Deja Vu?

 **DANNY**

It's probably just traffic.

 _ **AT 9:00**_

 **MICHELLE**

Somebody owes me something!

 **DANNY**

 **(sleepily)** How come?

 **MICHELLE**

I knew she's be late! I called it! I'm psychic.

 **JESSE**

Maybe something happened to her.

 **DANNY**

I'm going to call her dorm.

 **Danny gets up and calls D.J.**

 **MICHELLE**

Come on, Alex. Let's go stare at that  
cake and imagine what we're missing.

 **Michelle sulks into the kitchen and Alex sleepily follows.**

 **DANNY**

She's not there. What should we do?

 **JOEY**

I'm assuming getting on with our lives is not an option?

 **DANNY**

No, we're gonna stay up and wait for her.

 **JESSE**

You gotta get that kid a watch.

 _ **AT 10:00**_

 **Everyone is asleep on the couch.**

 **The door opens and D.J. comes in with Steve.**

 **DANNY**

D.J.!

 **STEPH**

Steve!

 **D.J.**

Hi guys.

 **Danny runs over and hugs D.J.**

 **DANNY**

Where were you? Why is Steve here?

 **Everyone starts waking up.**

 **STEVE**

I can explain.

 **D.J.**

Steve, go home. _I'll_ explain.

 **DANNY**

What? What happened?

 **STEVE**

Are you sure you'll be okay?

 **D.J.**

I'm sure. Go.

 **Steve nods and leaves.**

 **JOEY**

What was that about? D.J., are you hurt?

 **D.J.**

No, no. I'm fine. I just-

 **JESSE**

Where were you?

 **D.J.**

I was on a yacht...

 **DANNY**

What?! Why?

 **D.J.**

It's a long story. Let's just eat cake.

 **ALEX**

Yeah!

 **DANNY**

 _No._ Tell us what happened.

 **D.J. sighs and sits on the couch next to Danny.**

 **D.J.**

Alright. It was about five o'clock, and there was  
apparently this yacht party, and my boyfriend,  
Richard, wanted me to go with him...

 ** _FLASHBACK_**

 ** _Richard and D.J. are hanging out in D.J.'s dorm room._**

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Hey, Deej, you got anything to do tonight?_

 ** _D.J._**

 _Actually, I was going to go home and visit my family.  
They probably have this big thing planned for my birthday._

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _We'll only go for a couple of hours. Don't  
worry, you won't miss your precious family._

 ** _D.J._**

 _Well fine. Just a couple hours._

 ** _ON THE YACHT_**

 ** _Richard and D.J. are hanging around the deck._**

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _This is great, isn't it?_

 ** _D.J._**

 _Yeah. It's cool._

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Want a drink?_

 ** _D.J._**

 _Uh-_

 ** _Richard puts a cup in her hand._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _O-okay. Why not?_

 ** _She takes a sip, and shudders._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _This tastes horrible._

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _I know. Great, huh?_

 ** _D.J. chuckles._**

 ** _They start making out._**

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _D.J..._

 ** _D.J._**

 _Yeah?_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Wanna get married?_

 ** _D.J. draws back._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _What?_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _We can do it right here on the boat.  
They've hired a professional minister._

 ** _D.J._**

 _Wha- uh- I-_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _And it'll be legal and everything._

 ** _D.J._**

 _But..._

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Come on, Deej. It'll be fun. You in or not?_

 ** _D.J. stares at him, trying to make a decision. (and also trying to make sure she's not dreaming)_**

 _ **PRESENT**_

 **STEPH**

He _proposed_ to you?!

 **JESSE**

What did you do?

 **DANNY**

You didn't say yes, did you?!

 **BECKY**

Guys, let her talk. Go on, D.J.

 **D.J.**

So I thought about it. I mean, getting married is supposed  
to be a big deal, the most important day of your life.  
But he said it like it was an everyday activity...

 _ **BACK ON THE YACHT**_

 ** _D.J. takes a deep breath._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _Okay._

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Really?_

 ** _D.J._**

 _Yes._

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Great! Let's go._

 ** _Richard grabs D.J.'s arm and pulls her across the deck._**

 ** _IN THE BOTTOM OF THE YACHT_**

 ** _Richard and his friends are drinking and laughing about whatever half-drunk people laugh about._**

 ** _D.J. comes up to him._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _Hey, uh, when's our turn?_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Huh? For what?_

 ** _D.J._**

 _Getting married! I assume there's going to be a ceremony?_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Oh right. I didn't ask. They'll call us when it's our turn._

 ** _D.J._**

 _Uh, okay...but Rich? Can I talk to you for a second?_

 ** _D.J. pulls Richard to the side._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _Should we really be doing this? We're only nineteen!_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _People get married at nineteen all the time._

 ** _D.J._**

 _But where would we live? You'd have to get a job.  
And what about kids? How many should we  
have? What should we name them?_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _D.J. relax! We aren't even married yet.  
Don't be deciding what to name our kids!_

 ** _D.J._**

 _Rich, we're getting_ _married_ _!_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Jeez, D.J. calm down. This is not that big a deal._

 ** _D.J._**

 _Not that big a deal_ _? This is a huge deal! This is a life commitment!_

 ** _Richard sighs._**

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Do you wanna do this or not?_

 ** _D.J._**

 _Well, yes. I think so. I don't know..._

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Well, you have to know! We're going in soon!_

 ** _D.J._**

 _Can't we wait and have a proper wedding?_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _I don't want a proper wedding. This  
way is better. More romantic._

 ** _D.J._**

 _How?! How is it more romantic?_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Just trust me okay? Don't make a scene.  
We're just getting married._

 ** _D.J._**

 _You don't_ _just_ _get married. You have to plan things out!  
You have to set goals and figure out how to accomplish them!  
And you have to do it before the wedding!_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Why are you being so paranoid? We'll figure it out!_

 ** _D.J._**

 _But when? We're on a yacht! Oh my lanta, I'm eloping. I'm __eloping!_

 ** _Richard stares at her._**

 ** _A random dude comes up to them._**

 ** _DUDE_**

 _Hey, Rich, you're after Cecilia and Grant, who are  
after Jill and David, so it'll be a five-minute wait._

 ** _D.J._**

 _How many people are getting married here?_

 ** _DUDE_**

 _Oh, I don't know, lots. Getting married on  
a boat is apparently pretty popular._

 ** _D.J. looks around._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _How long does it last?_

 ** _DUDE_**

 _Oh, a couple of minutes._

 ** _D.J._**

 _What?!_

 ** _DUDE_**

 _Yeah, they get straight to the point. You go in, trade  
rings (if you have any), say I do, sign some papers,  
and make out. Real quick. Easier than Vegas._

 ** _D.J._**

 _Oh?..._

 ** _Richard looks uncomfortable._**

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Um, I'm going to get another drink._

 _ **He leaves**_ _._

 ** _DUDE_**

 _Hey, you got any twin sisters?_

 ** _D.J. slowly backs away._**

 ** _A WHILE LATER_**

 ** _D.J and Richard are standing around, holding drinks._**

 ** _The boat pulls up to the dock._**

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Hey, so...looks like we're back already._

 ** _D.J._**

 _Oh. Are we getting off?_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Nah, these parties always last till dawn._

 ** _D.J._**

 _Oh. Okay._

 ** _Awkward silence._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _How about Lucy?_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Huh?_

 ** _D.J._**

 _Or Davey for a boy._

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _What are you talking about?_

 ** _D.J._**

 _Names for our kids._

 ** _The Dude comes over._**

 ** _DUDE_**

 _Hey. You guys are up. Knock 'em dead._

 ** _Richard and D.J. look at each other._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _So...you ready to do this?_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Uh...yeah..._

 ** _They turn the corner and see a huge line-up._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _There's a line up?!_

 ** _DUDE_**

 _Oh yeah. I know the man of the  
house, so I got you a good spot._

 ** _D.J._**

 _Oh...thanks. Who are you?_

 ** _DUDE_**

 _Brian._

 ** _D.J._**

 _Oh. Sure._

 ** _Richard and D.J. go up onto the platform._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _What's this?_

 ** _DUDE_**

 _The altar._

 ** _D.J. points to the crowd._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _Okay...are they all gonna watch?_

 ** _The "minister" comes onto the platform wearing a casual party outfit._**

 ** _MINISTER_**

 _You the bride and groom?_

 ** _D.J._**

 _Yes._

 ** _MINISTER_**

 _Do you got a ring?_

 ** _D.J._**

 _No..._

 ** _MINISTER_**

 _'K. Names?_

 ** _D.J._**

 _I'm Donna Jo Tanner, and this is  
Richard...what's your last name?_

 ** _Richard doesn't say anything; he stands there frozen._**

 ** _MINISTER_**

 _Okay. Doesn't matter. D.J., you got a speech or somethin'?_

 ** _D.J._**

 _Um...no._

 ** _MINISTER_**

 _What about you?_

 ** _Richard shakes his head._**

 ** _MINISTER_**

 _'K. Do you, D.J., take Rich to be your lawfully  
wedded husband till death do you part?_

 ** _D.J._**

 _Um, well, sure._

 ** _MINISTER_**

 _How 'bout you, Rich?_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Huh?_

 ** _MINISTER_**

 _You want D.J.?_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _Uh..._

 ** _DUDE_**

 _You gotta answer, man._

 ** _D.J. looks at Richard, confused._**

 ** _Richard suddenly jumps off the platform and runs away._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _Richard!_

 ** _D.J. jumps off the platform as well and goes after him._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _Richard! Wait! Where are you going?!_

 ** _RICHARD_**

 _I can't do this! I have to get away! I'm sorry D.J.!_

 ** _D.J. stops running._**

 ** _D.J._**

 _Richard?...What did I do?_

 ** _D.J. slumps down in a park bench and starts to cry._**

 _ **PRESENT**_

 **STEPH**

Wait- he broke up with you?

 **D.J.**

If that what's you call it.

 **MICHELLE**

Why?!

 **D.J.**

I don't know! _He's_ the one that wanted to get married!

 **JOEY**

Shh. Okay go on...

 **D.J.**

I didn't know what to do. I was stuck in the middle of  
town with no car and no money, and I couldn't call one  
of you since you'd want an explanation and you were probably  
already mad at me for being late, so I called the first person I could think of...

 _ **ON THE PARK BENCH wait what?**_

 _ **D.J. goes over to a pay phone and puts in a quarter she found on the ground.**_

 _ **She waits.**_

 _ **D.J.**_

 _Steve?_

 _ **STILL ON THE PARK BENCH- A WHILE LATER**_

 _ **Steve arrives in his Jeep and gets out.**_

 _ **STEVE**_

 _D.J.! What happened? Are you okay?_

 _ **D.J.**_

 _I...can you just take me home?_

 _ **STEVE**_

 _Well...okay. Let's go._

 _ **D.J. wipes her tears and smiles.**_

 _ **A WHILE LATER**_

 _ **They pull up to D.J.'s house, but neither of them move.**_

 _ **STEVE**_

 _So do you want to talk about it, or..._

 _ **D.J.**_

 _I don't get why he would do this to me! He just takes me_  
 _onto a yacht the night he knew I was supposed to go home_  
 _for my birthday! And I don't know why I even went with him!_  
 _Then out of nowhere, he proposes to me! If you even call it_  
 _proposing. He said, and I quote "Wanna get married?"_  
 _No I love you, no ring, no proper ceremony...and then, _  
_right when we got to the platform, 'cause that's all there_  
 _was, a platform, he has the nerve to bolt! He just runs away!_  
 _I tried going after him, but then he broke up with me, and I didn't_  
 _know what to do, so I called you. I hope that's okay._

 _ **STEVE**_

 _Oh no, I'm honored...but why did you call me? _  
_Why not your dad or your uncle or someone?_

 _ **D.J.**_

 _Oh, I don't know. He'd get all paranoid and want to go_  
 _find Richard and try to work it out or something, and I just_  
 _didn't want to deal with that. Thank you,_  
 _by the way, for not getting paranoid._

 _ **STEVE**_

 _Uh...your welcome._

 _ **D.J.**_

 _Ugh. God, I hate him. I hate him!_

 _ **STEVE**_

 _Well, he's a jerk to do that to you. He doesn't deserve you._

 _ **D.J.**_

 _Yeah, I guess._

 _ **Silence.**_

 _ **STEVE**_

 _Oh! I uh...I got you a birthday present._  
 _I was going to give it to you later. Here._

 _ **D.J.**_

 _Oh. Thanks._

 _ **D.J. takes the small box and opens it.**_

 _ **D.J.**_

 _Wow! It's beautiful!_

 _ **D.J. takes out a necklace with a silver horse on it.**_

 _ **STEVE**_

 _I told the saleslady I needed a horse.  
I know how much you love horses._

 _ **D.J. smiles at him.**_

 _ **D.J.**_

 _I love it. Thank you._

 _ **D.J. gives him a small kiss and he kisses her back.**_

 _ **D.J. suddenly pulls away.**_

 _ **STEVE**_

 _What's wrong?_

 _ **D.J.**_

 _Steve- I don't know. Should we be doing this?_

 _ **STEVE**_

 _Well, you broke up with Richard, didn't you?_

 _ **D.J.**_

 _I don't know if we're officially broken up...he just said he_ _ **  
**_ _had to get away. What is that supposed to mean?_

 _ **STEVE**_

 _Do you still want to be with him?_

 _ **D.J.**_

 _...No. He's...no. I don't._

 _ **STEVE**_

 _Then I don't see a problem._

 _ **D.J.**_

 _Yeah but...I don't know. I should just go._

 _ **STEVE**_

 _Uh- okay..._

 _ **D.J.**_

 _Thanks for driving me home._

 _ **STEVE**_

 _Sure..._

 _ **D.J. gets out and Steve sits there for a moment, confused, then goes to follow her in.**_

 _ **PRESENT**_

 **STEPH**

Wow. I can't believe it. Is that all true?

 **D.J.**

All true.

 **DANNY**

Wait, so let me get this straight. You _didn't_ get married?

 **D.J.**

No.

 **DANNY**

But you got _engaged._

D.J.

Well, not technically, but...yeah. I guess.

 **DANNY**

And then Richard ran off, and you called Steve?

 **D.J.**

I just told you the whole story, dad.

 **DANNY**

And you kissed.

 **D.J. sighs.**

 **D.J.**

Yes.

 **STEPH**

Does that mean you're back together with Steve?

 **D.J.**

I don't know.

 **DANNY**

But, uh, this Richard, you never did...you know...

 **D.J.**

What?! No! Definitely not!

 **DANNY**

And never with anyone else?

 **D.J.**

 _No._

 **DANNY**

Just making sure.

 **D.J.**

 _Jeez._

 **JESSE**

But Deej, if you don't mind me asking...why not?

 **D.J.**

What do you mean?

 **JESSE**

I mean, you're nineteen. You're old enough.

 **D.J.**

Uncle Jesse, there are kids in the room.

 **BECKY**

Nicky, Alex, Michelle, go watch that cake, will you?

 **The three go into the kitchen, grumbling.**

 **D.J.**

I guess I'm just waiting for the right person.

 **JESSE**

I get that. But D.J., just my opinion...but I think you've already found him.

 **D.J. looks confused.**

 **D.J.**

Oh.

 **Nicky, Alex, and Michelle run back in.**

 **NICKY**

D.J.'s back, so can we eat the cake now?

 **D.J.**

Actually...I have to go somewhere. Eat the cake without me.

 **STEPH**

But it's _your_ party.

 **MICHELLE**

You heard the girl- eat cake!

 **D.J.**

I should be back by morning, maybe the middle of the night.

 **DANNY**

Wait- where are you going?

 **D.J. slips out the front door.**

 **Danny glares at Jesse.**

 **JESSE**

What did _I_ do?

 **DANNY**

"You've already found him" huh? Well, you'd better hope they  
find your _dead body_ stashed in the basement in a few months.

 **Jesse slowly gets up and speed-walks out of the living room, trying to escape his doom. XP**

 **AT STEVE'S APARTMENT**

 **D.J. knocks on the door and Steve opens it.**

 **STEVE**

D.J.? What-

 **D.J. quickly grabs him and kisses him.**

 **STEVE**

I'm guessing you're okay now.

 **They stumble into the apartment and shut the door behind them.**

 **#SteJ =D**

 **-END-**

* * *

 **Question of the Week: Who was D.J.'s first "boyfriend"?**


	13. Ep 13- The Twins vs Elvis

**A/N: Yay! School's out! No more grade seven! Now on to a summer full of writing fanfiction! Last last week's winner of the Question of the Week (most of the time two weeks sorry 'bout that) is** **roganjalex** **again! Congrats! Technically, D.J.'s first "boyfriend" was Michael Montford. I put "boyfriend" in quotations for a reason. New question at bottom of episode!**

 **Disclaimer: *insert sigh emoji here***

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode Thirteen**

 **The Twins vs. Elvis**

 **IN THE ATTIC**

 **Jesse is sitting on the bed, strumming his guitar.**

 **Becky comes upstairs.**

 **BECKY**

Hey Jess.

 **JESSE**

Hey.

 **BECKY**

Are you still working on that song?

 **JESSE**

Yup. The Monkey Puppets are performing at the Smash Club  
on Saturday and I have less than a week to think of a song.

 **BECKY**

Not having any luck?

 **JESSE**

If you count bad luck...

 **BECKY**

Well, I need you to watch the boys this afternoon.  
I'm going over to my parents' house.

 **JESSE**

Voluntarily?

 **BECKY**

 _Jess._

 **JESSE**

I'm just saying, you have a perfectly valid excuse.

 **BECKY**

Okay, thanks, hon!

 **Becky leaves.**

 **Jesse shakes his head.**

 **JESSE**

Sick woman.

 _ **IN STEPHANIE AND MICHELLE'S ROOM**_

 **Michelle is sitting on Stephanie's bed, reading her sister's diary.**

 **MICHELLE**

"February 16th: Stole Gia's orange lipstick and wore it to  
slumber party; made Jennifer accuse me of eating  
her orange pixie sticks." Ha.

 **Stephanie walks in.**

 **STEPH**

Wha- Michelle!

 **MICHELLE**

What? Who? Me? Comet did it!

 **STEPH**

Why are you reading my diary?

 **MICHELLE**

Me? I was reading you diary? When?  
You should get tour eyes checked.

 **STEPH**

It's _in_ your hand.

 **MICHELLE**

No, it's not. It's just an optical illusion.

 **Michelle waves the book around.**

 **MICHELLE**

And anyway, if you don't want your juiciest secrets to be  
known to everyone, then you shouldn't write  
them down in a _book_! Honestly.

 **STEPH**

Ugh. Well, never mind the fact that you were  
totally invading my privacy...why didn't you at least cover it up?

 **MICHELLE**

What do you mean?

 ***Cue Justin Bieber***

 **STEPH**

When I came in. You didn't even try to hide it!

 **MICHELLE**

Well I don't know. Should I?

 **STEPH**

 _Duh!_ When I was younger, and I would read D.J.'s diary,  
I wouldn't even have to worry about being caught. I would just put  
an encyclopedia over it and pretend I was laughing at  
the hilarious definition of the Mesozoic era.

 **MICHELLE**

Smart. But now if I do that, you'd know.

 **STEPH**

If you want, I can teach you some of my other tricks.

 **MICHELLE**

Really? Cool!

 **STEPH**

But only if you promise never to read my diary again.

 **MICHELLE**

Sure. You're only fourteen, so there isn't any good stuff in there anyway.

 **STEPH**

Really? Did you read about the orange lipstick?

 **MICHELLE**

Yeah. Oh, don't use Gia's make-up.

 **STEPH**

Why not?

 **MICHELLE**

If you do, you can never come near me again.

 ** _IN THE ATTIC_**

 **Jesse, Nicky, and Alex are in the attic.**

 **JESSE**

Okay, guys, look. I'm supposed to look after you today, but  
I really have to work on this song. So I'm gonna go down to the  
basement where it's nice and quiet, and you guys are gonna  
stay up here an play in your room, okay?

 **ALEX**

Okay.

 **JESSE**

Alright.

 **Nicky and Alex go into their room and shut the door.**

 **Jesse goes downstairs.**

 **Michelle and Stephanie emerge from the laundry hamper.**

 **STEPH**

You see that? That's a bad move.

 **MICHELLE**

How come? They're in their room.

 **STEPH**

You really think they're gonna stay there?

 **Nicky and Alex open the door and sneak out.**

 **STEPH**

Someone's gonna end up yelling today. Mark my words.

 _ **AT STEVE'S APARTMENT**_

 **D.J. knocks on the door and Steve opens it.**

 **STEVE**

Oh, D.J.! Uh...hey.

 **D.J.**

Hey.

 **STEVE**

Come in.

 **D.J.**

Uh, I can't. I have a class.

 **STEVE**

It's Saturday.

 **D.J.**

Extra credit.

 **STEVE**

Oh. Okay then. So...why are you here?

 **D.J.**

I just want to know what it means.

 **STEVE**

What?

 **D.J.**

 _You. Us._ We slept together!

 **STEVE**

Um, yeah, I know. I was there.

 **D.J.**

But what does it _mean_?

 **STEVE**

Nothing.

 **D.J.**

It has to mean _something!_

 **STEVE**

Well, I love you.

 **D.J.**

I love you too.

 **STEVE**

What more can it mean?

 **D.J.**

I don't know. Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?

 **STEVE**

I guess we are.

 **D.J.**

But what about Richard?

 **STEVE**

What about him? You broke up.

 **D.J.**

I still feel like we didn't really break up. What if he didn't mean to?

 **STEVE**

Deej, we went over this. You said you don't want to be with him.

 **D.J.**

I don't...but what if I didn't give him a fair chance?

 **STEVE**

He asked you to marry him, and you said yes, and he  
bolted. I say that's giving him a pretty fair chance.

 **D.J.**

You're right. He's old news.  
Look, I better go. I'll be late for...my class.

 **STEVE**

You don't really have a class, do you.

 **D.J.**

No.

 **STEVE**

Then stay here.

 **D.J. smiles.**

 **D.J.**

Okay.

 _ **IN THE ATTIC**_

 **Nicky and Alex are fooling around in the attic. (and no, _not_ in that way. Jeez.)  
**

 **Alex goes on top of the piano and starts stomping on it.**

 **ALEX**

Hey, Nick, look at me.

 **MICHELLE**

 **(from inside the hamper)** Shouldn't someone  
be supervising them?

 **STEPH**

Well, we're here. But we don't count.

 **MICHELLE**

Why not?

 **STEPH**

We're hiding. We're supposed to remain unseen.  
Even if one of them sets off a bomb, we can't move.

 **MICHELLE**

That's kinda dumb.

 **STEPH**

Rule number one of spying: Don't blow your cover, unless  
there's a fire. Then slowly exit the building, while staying stealth.

 **MICHELLE**

What's stealth?

 **STEPH**

Rule number two of spying: Know all spy terms beforehand,  
so you don't look like a fool in front of your mentor.

 **MICHELLE**

And why is a _fire_ an acceptable  
thing to escape, but a bomb isn't?

 **STEPH**

Rule number three of spying: I don't  
make the rules, I just execute them.

 **MICHELLE**

Okay, so what are we supposed to do?

 **STEPH**

Nothing. Just observe. Stealthily.

 **MICHELLE**

I still don't know what that means, but fine.

 **They duck back into the hamper, which can somehow fit a fourteen-year-old and a nine-year-old without causing a struggle.**

 **ALEX**

Oh, look! It's daddy's guitar.

 **NICKY**

We're not allowed to touch Daddy's guitar.

 **ALEX**

But he's not here.

 **They go over to the guitar.**

 **Nicky picks it up.**

 **NICKY**

I'm a rock star!

 **ALEX**

I wanna be a rock star! Give it to me!

 **NICKY**

No, I got it first!

 **ALEX**

It's my turn!

 **They tug on the guitar.**

 **The guitar slips out of their hands and flies to the wall, crashing.**

 **Nicky and Alex stare at it, open-mouthed.**

 **STEPH**

 _Damn._

 **Jesse runs upstairs.**

 **JESSE**

What was that noise? What's going on-

 **Jesse stops abruptly and gapes at the ruins of his guitar.**

 **JESSE**

Is that- is that-

 **NICKY**

 _He_ did it!

 **JESSE**

I- wha- you- my- _what did you do?!_

 **ALEX**

Sorry, daddy.

 **JESSE**

Sorry?! That was my lucky Elvis guitar! It had  
an actual Elvis signature! How could you _do_ this?!

 **ALEX**

It was an accident.

 **JESSE**

An accident. _An accident_! That doesn't change the fact  
that my lucky Elvis guitar is ripped to shreds!

 **Jesse picks up a piece of wood.**

 **JESSE**

I told you to stay out of trouble! I told you to play quietly  
in your room! You purposely disobeyed me! I can't _believe_ you!

 **Jesse whacks Alex on the arm.**

 **0.0**

 **Alex starts crying.**

 **JESSE**

Oh. Oh, Alex, I'm so sorry. Alex-

 **Alex runs into his room.**

 **JESSE**

Alex, come back! Are you okay?

 **Nicky quickly follows his twin.**

 **JESSE**

Nicky? Alex, I'm sorry!

 **Becky comes upstairs.**

 **BECKY**

Jess, have you seen my keys- what's going on?

 **(Don't you just _love_ the timing on these shows?)**

 **JESSE**

Uh, nothing.

 **BECKY**

Why is Alex crying?

 **JESSE**

Uh, I...he wrecked my guitar, and I sort of flipped  
out, and...hit him...on the arm- but not very hard!

 **BECKY**

You _what?_

 **JESSE**

Just impulsively.

 **BECKY**

You _hit_ him?!

 **JESSE**

Very lightly!

 **BECKY**

Why?!

 **JESSE**

He- he broke my guitar!

 **BECKY**

So you decide to hit him?!

 **JESSE**

It wasn't even very hard! I just...it was barely a tap!

 **BECKY**

I can't believe it! Is he okay?

 **JESSE**

Of course he's okay; I barely touched him!

 **Becky pushes past Jesse and goes into the twins' room, and Jesse follows.**

 **Nicky and Alex are cowering in a corner.**

 **BECKY**

Alex, honey, come here. Let me see your arm.

 **Alex slowly goes over to her.**

 **Becky examines Alex's arm.**

 **BECKY**

It's not very red. He'll be fine.

 **JESSE**

See?

 **BECKY**

See _what_? Just because he'll be okay  
doesn't mean you can hit him!

 **JESSE**

No- I know! That's not what I meant.

 **Becky and Jesse leave the twins' room.**

 **BECKY**

You are _not_ allowed to do that! God, why  
do I even have to tell you this?

 **JESSE**

You don't! I just- I acted on impulse. I'm really sorry.  
I would never do anything to hurt them on purpose.

 **BECKY**

Do I have to give you a time-out for punching?

 **JESSE**

I did not _punch_ him!

 **BECKY**

Don't you know how to use your words?

 **JESSE**

Don't talk to me like that! I'm not a child.

 **BECKY**

Well, you're acting like one.

 **JESSE**

Look- I said I was sorry! And what  
about _him_? He trashed my guitar!

 **BECKY**

It's just a guitar!

 **JESSE**

It was not _just_ a guitar!

 **BECKY**

You know what- I can't even look at you right now. I'm going  
to my parent's house and I'm taking the boys with me.

 **JESSE**

Oh come _on_. You don't trust me?

 **BECKY**

At the moment, no. We should be back in a couple of hours.

 **JESSE**

You can't take my children away from me! I'll sue for custody!

 **Becky gives him a look.**

 **BECKY**

I just want to cool down. Nicky! Alex! Come on,  
we're going to grandma and grandpa's.

 **NICKY**

Grandma and Grandpa Katsopolis?

 **BECKY**

No, the other ones.

 **Nicky and Alex groan.**

 **BECKY**

Come on, let's go.

 **Nicky and Alex come out of their room and walk towards the door, avoiding Jesse.**

 **JESSE**

Uh, bye guys...

 **Nicky and Alex run down the stairs.**

 **Becky shakes her head and leaves.**

 **JESSE**

Wait...what about your keys?

 **Jesse sighs.**

 _ **IN D.J.'S DORM**_

 **D.J. is sitting at her desk, studying.**

 **Richard barges in. (remember him?)  
**

 **D.J. turns around, confused.**

 **D.J.**

Richard?

 **RICHARD**

D.J. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to run out on you like that.

 **D.J.**

What...

 **RICHARD**

I just got overwhelmed! You were pounding me with  
all those questions about our future and our  
lives and I just wanted to slow down.

 _ **D.J.**_

 _Slow down_? You're the one who wanted to get married.  
You're the one who proposed. You freaked  
me out and then you bolted!

 **RICHARD**

I was freaked out too!

 **D.J.**

We were too young to get married. You should have known  
that! We'd only been dating for three months! We  
were nineteen, for god's sake!

 **RICHARD**

I know. I'm sorry. We can get married when you're ready.

 **D.J.**

When _I'm_ ready? _You're_ the one who ran away like a  
little girl! _I_ was actually going to go through with it!

 **RICHARD**

Yeah, well...

 **D.J.**

Look. I have work to do.

 **RICHARD**

Let's just forget this ever happened. Let's start all over again.

 **Rich kisses D.J. but D.J. pushes him away.**

 **D.J.**

Richard, do you love me?

 **Richard looks confused.**

 **RICHARD**

I- I don't know.

 **D.J.**

You don't know?

 **RICHARD**

I guess...

 **D.J.**

 _Really?_

 **RICHARD**

Well, sure. Yes. I do.

 **D.J.**

I don't believe you.

 **RICHARD**

D.J. come on.

 **D.J.**

No. You don't. You don't really love me.  
And yet you were going to marry me.

 **RICHARD**

Well-

 **D.J.**

You said it'll be "fun". You weren't even serious about it.

 **RICHARD**

D.J., I'm _sorry_. Can we just start again?

 **D.J.**

You broke up with me!

 **RICHARD**

Huh?

 **D.J.**

You said you had to get away. You ditched me.

 **RICHARD**

But I never broke up with you.

 **D.J.**

That's as good as breaking up!

 **RICHARD**

I don't see how.

 **D.J.**

Well then _I_ broke up with _you._

 **RICHARD**

Why?

 **D.J.**

I'm with...someone else.

 **RICHARD**

Already?! Who?

 **D.J.**

...Steve.

 **RICHARD**

Your ex-boyfriend Steve?

 **D.J.**

Yeah.

 **RICHARD**

Well, we're technically still together.

 **D.J.**

But I love him.

 **RICHARD**

What about me?

 **D.J.**

Well...I don't know.

 **Richard sighs.**

 **RICHARD**

Can we please just start over?

 **D.J.**

No!

 **RICHARD**

Why not?

 **D.J.**

I slept with him, okay?

 **Richard stares at her.**

 **RICHARD**

Oh.

 **D.J.**

I'm sorry.

 **RICHARD**

Sure. Whatever.

 **Richard slowly leaves her dorm.**

 **D.J. sighs.**

 ** _IN THE ATTIC_**

 **Jesse is sitting at his desk, trying to glue his guitar back together.**

 **JESSE**

Oh, this is impossible.

 **The door opens and Becky and the boys come in.**

 **JESSE**

Oh hey! How was Grandma's house?

 **Nicky and Alex put their hands up defensively and go into their room.**

 **JESSE**

I swear they've been watching General Hospital or something.

 **BECKY**

Any luck with the guitar?

 **JESSE**

Just the usual. Bad.

 **BECKY**

Bummer.

 **JESSE**

Does this mean you aren't mad anymore?

 **BECKY**

Come on. I said I just had to cool down. And I know you didn't  
mean to hurt the boys. But why does that guitar mean so much to you?

 **JESSE**

It has a real signature!

 **BECKY**

Jess, I think I know you pretty well. You would never  
hit your son because of a measly signature.

 **Jesse groans.**

 **JESSE**

I _tapped_ his shoulder. Okay? And that guitar has been  
through so much with me! I wrote my first and only hit single with it.  
My sister gave it to me when I was ten. It's my whole life!

 **BECKY**

Oh. See, now _that's_ more believable.

 **JESSE**

I know it's no excuse though.

 **BECKY**

Well, no it's not. But I don't think calling child services  
is necessary. I better tell them not to come.

 **Jesse stares at her.**

 **BECKY**

I'm joking. Relax, Jess. It was a mistake.  
People make mistakes. _You_ should know.

 **JESSE**

Gee, thanks.

 **BECKY**

I'm sure you can fix the guitar somehow.

 **JESSE**

I can't. I already called every repairman I know.

 **Becky picks up a piece of the guitar.**

 **BECKY**

Hey look at this. The piece of wood with  
the signature is still in one piece.

 **JESSE**

I am not selling it, if that's what you're saying.

 **BECKY**

No. You can keep the signature. Frame it  
and hang it on a wall or something.

 **JESSE**

But I can't make music with a scrap of wood.

 **BECKY**

Well, just buy a new guitar. I know it had a  
lot of memories, but you have to move on.

 **JESSE**

Hmm. I'll think about it.

 **BECKY**

And also, you should have a little chat with your boys.

 **JESSE**

Oh. Yeah. I can't believe I hit him! I'm a _horrible_ parent!

 **BECKY**

Eh, you're okay. Go on.

 **Jesse rolls his eyes and goes into the boys' room.**

 **ALEX**

We didn't do it!

 **JESSE**

Do what?

 **NICKY**

It was Michelle!

 **JESSE**

What was Michelle?

 **ALEX**

Nothing! Nothing! We're sorry!

 **JESSE**

For _what_?

 **NICKY**

Nothing! It's not our fault!

 **JESSE**

Uh- guys. Come on. What did you do?

 **ALEX**

Nothing!

 **JESSE**

Then calm down! I'm not here to get mad at you.

 **ALEX**

So you're _not_ mad?

 **JESSE**

About what?

 **ALEX**

Your guitar.

 **JESSE**

Oh. Well, I was, but I'm not anymore.

 **NICKY**

So you won't hit us?

 **JESSE**

No! No. Look. I just accidentally hit your arm- tapped!  
 _Tapped_ your arm, because I didn't know how to react. **  
**I wasn't thinking. I'm really sorry.

 **ALEX**

We're sorry for breaking your guitar, daddy.

 **JESSE**

Oh, I know you are. I forgive you.

 **NICKY**

So you don't hate us?

 **JESSE**

Of course not. I could _never_ hate you two.

 **ALEX**

Never?

 **JESSE**

Never.

 **NICKY**

What if we accidentally get a drop of permanent house  
paint on your crystal Elvis figurine because Alex knocked my hand  
when I was trying to paint a copy of it on a piece of paper  
that might have had your taxes on the back?

 **Jesse stares at him.**

 **NICKY**

Hypothetically.

 **JESSE**

First of all, how do you even know what taxes are?  
And what hypothetically means? And _where_ did you get house paint?

 **NICKY**

So that's a yes?

 **Jesse sighs.**

 **JESSE**

I'll always love you no matter what, okay?

 **ALEX**

Okay.

 **JESSE**

Now. Who wants ice cream?

 **Michelle sneezes from inside the hamper.**

 **They look over to the closet.**

 **JESSE**

What the-

 **ALEX**

I didn't do it!

 **JESSE**

Did your t-shirt catch a cold?

 **Jesse goes over to the hamper and lifts up the lid, finding the girls.**

 **MICHELLE**

Rats.

 **STEPH**

I told you to cover your nose!

 **MICHELLE**

Sorry.

 **JESSE**

I'm not even gonna ask. You guys want ice cream?

 **They nod.**

 _ **IN D.J.'S DORM**_

 **D.J. and Steve are on the couch, making out.**

 **Richard runs in. (that boy does not rest)**

 **D.J.**

 _Richard?_

 **STEVE**

That's Richard?

 **RICHARD**

Are you Steve?

 **STEVE**

Yeah...

 **D.J.**

Rich- what are you doing here?

 **RICHARD**

I need you, D.J. I need you!

 **D.J.**

 _What?_

 **RICHARD**

Can you please just give me another chance?

 **STEVE**

Hold on. Aren't you the guy that broke up with her on the boat?

 **RICHARD**

We weren't technically _on_ the boat, not  
that it's any of your business! Back off.

 **STEVE**

I won't back off! D.J.'s with me now! Right?

 **D.J.**

Right! Richard, go away.

 **RICHARD**

No. D.J, come with me. Please.

 **D.J.**

Rich, I thought I made myself perfectly clear. We broke up!

 **RICHARD**

Well, I know, but I love you!

 **D.J.**

 _You love me_? It's a little late for that!

 **RICHARD**

What do you mean?

 ***Cue Justin Bieber***

 **D.J.**

I gave you that chance before, and you didn't take it.

 **RICHARD**

But I said yes!

 **D.J.**

You didn't _mean_ it!

 **STEVE**

Wait a minute, when did you give him a chance?

 **D.J.**

This morning-

 **STEVE**

You talked to him this morning? Why didn't you tell me?

 **D.J.**

 _He_ talked to _me._

 **STEVE**

But you said you don't love him.

 **D.J.**

I don't!

 **STEVE**

Then why did you want him to love _you?_

 **D.J.**

I just wanted to know!

 **Steve sighs in frustration.**

 **RICHARD**

Well, there's only one way to settle this.

 **D.J.**

Um, what?

 **STEVE**

You wanna go, pal?

 **Richard flings off his sweater.**

 **STEVE**

I used to be captain of the wrestling team, you know.

 **RICHARD**

Big deal. I can take you.

 **D.J.**

No! Guys, knock it off.

 **Richard grabs Steve and they start fighting.**

 **D.J.**

Guys! Come on, you're gonna get hurt!

 **RICHARD**

I don't know about me, but this sucker's history!

 **D.J.**

Ugh!

 **D.J. pulls Steve off Richard.**

 **RICHARD**

Aw, come on! I was just warming up!

 **D.J.**

You are _not_ beating each other up in my dorm room!

 **STEVE**

Alright, look. This is stupid. D.J. should be able to choose  
who she wants to be with on her own. What's  
fighting gonna do except make us look bad?

 **RICHARD**

I guess.

 **D.J.**

Richard, I'm sorry. I'm with Steve now.

 **Richard sighs.**

 **RICHARD**

Why? _Why_ do you want him?

 **D.J.**

I don't know. I cant explain.

 **RICHARD**

He had his chance with you a long time ago.

 **D.J.**

So did you. And you gave it up.

 **RICHARD**

But-

 **D.J.**

You have to leave now. Please. Just go.

 **Richard shakes his head and goes out the door.**

 **D.J.**

But maybe...we can still be friends?

 **Richard turns back and shrugs.**

 **RICHARD**

Maybe.

 **They watch him leave.**

 **D.J.**

I have a feeling I'm never going to see him again.

 **STEVE**

That's a good thing, right?

 **D.J. looks out the door longingly.**

 **D.J.**

Yeah...right.

 ** _IN THE LIVING ROOM_**

 **Jesse, Becky, and Stephanie are watching TV.**

 **JESSE**

You know what, I'm gonna go guitar shopping. I have to get over it.  
Maybe one day, when they find the aliens that  
abducted Elvis, I can get a new signature.

 **Steph gives him a weird look.**

 **BECKY**

Let him have his fantasies.

 **Steph rolls her eyes and gets up.**

 **STEPH**

 **(mumbling)** This will be a great story for my diary.

 **She goes upstairs.**

 **Michelle is in her room, reading a book of world records.**

 **STEPH**

Hey Michelle.

 **She looks through her drawer.**

 **STEPH**

Hey, where's my diary?

 **MICHELLE**

Haven't seen it. Did you know that detartrated is the  
longest word that's the same backwards and forwards?

 **STEPH**

Oh. Cool.

 **She leaves.**

 **STEPH**

Who stole my diary?! Come on, I know someone did!

 **Michelle chuckles and tosses the book aside, revealing Stephanie's diary.**

 **MICHELLE**

I guess I was wrong. This trick _will_ still work on her! "February  
seventeenth: Took five dollars from Mickey to pay for Gia's lipstick  
and Jen's pixie sticks (even though I didn't eat them). Mickey found  
out and got mad, and decided to copy my homework for revenge, which was  
totally a third grade thing to do, which I made sure to let her know...

 **-END TUNE-**

* * *

 **Question of the Week: Why were the Olsen twins credited as one person, "Mary-Kate Ashley Olsen" in the first seven season of the show?**


	14. Ep 14- See You In 18 Years

**A/N: No, I am not dead. Can ya'll just do me a favor and pretend it's like a month ago? Thanks! I have horrible time management. Sooooooo...last last last last week and half's Question of the week winner is** **iloveheartland** **! Congrats! New one this week. This episode is pretty long... and if you read my other story, "D.J." (which also needs updating, I'll get right to it) you'll know who Jessica is. If not, then you'll find out here. Aaaaaaaanyway, enjoy!**

 **I promise not to give up on this project that's probably going to last till I'm 20. I will finish all 25 seasons! _I WILL!_ **

**Disclaimer:** **Not mine. (for the most part) And I don't own the lyrics to Adele's "When We Were Young" and yes, I know that song didn't exist in 1996, but it just fit well, so I decided to use it. Play along.  
**

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode Fourteen**

 **See You In 18 Years**

 ** _IN THE ATTIC_**

 **Becky is looking through the mail.**

 **BECKY**

Hey Jess? Come here.

 **Jesse comes out of the boys' room and goes over to Becky.**

 **BECKY**

It looks like you have mail from over two months ago.

 **JESSE**

What? Let me see.

 **He takes the envelope and opens it.**

 **JESSE**

You are cordially invited to the wedding of Jessica and  
Ricardo Carrington... Saturday, March 8th, 1996  
2 PM. That's in two hours!

 **BECKY**

Who are Jessica and Ricardo Carrington?

 **JESSE**

I don't know. Jessica and Ricardo Carrington... Wait...

 **BECKY**

What?

 **JESSE**

Jessica... no. No way.

 **BECKY**

 _What?_

 **JESSE**

No, it can't be. No way.

 **BECKY**

Speak to me, Jesse.

 **JESSE**

One of my old girlfriends was Jessica. But...it can't be her.

 **BECKY**

How do you know?

 **JESSE**

I didn't think she'd invite me to her wedding.

 **BECKY**

Did you have a rough break-up?

 **JESSE**

No. We lost touch when she moved to Idaho, like, eighteen years ago.

 **BECKY**

Oh. Then...

 **JESSE**

I didn't think she'd know where I was. And what  
is she doing back in San Fransisco anyway?

 **BECKY**

Well, I guess you can ask her when you see her today.

 **JESSE**

This is stupid. It's most likely not her wedding. I probably just met  
some Ricardo when I was a kid or something.  
Or it could be a distant relative.

 **BECKY**

Maybe.

 **Becky goes downstairs, and Jesse stands there, thinking.**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle are looking around the living room for French Fry.**

 **D.J.**

Hey, French Fry! Where are you?

 **MICHELLE**

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

 **STEPH**

This is hopeless! It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack!

 **MICHELLE**

Huh?

 **STEPH**

Never mind.

 **Joey comes in.**

 **JOEY**

Oh no. Wait, don't tell me; one of Nicky's bugs are lost, right?

 **D.J.**

French Fry.

 **JOEY**

Again?

 **MICHELLE**

Well, it's a _bug_! It's going to move around!

 **JOEY**

How did he get lost?

 **STEPH**

 _Michelle_ let him out of his jar.

 **MICHELLE**

I just wanted to see what would happen!

 **STEPH**

Well, now you know. Open lid, then spend rest of day  
looking for tiny bug in big house. Are you taking notes?

 **MICHELLE**

Shut up.

 **JOEY**

What did Nicky say?

 **D.J.**

We didn't tell him.

 **JOEY**

That's a smart move.

 **MICHELLE**

And we have to find him before Nicky realizes he's lost. Come on.

 **They continue looking and Joey joins them.**

 **Nicky come downstairs with Alex.**

 **D.J.**

Oh, _hi_ Nicky!

 **NICKY**

What are we doing?

 **STEPH**

Um, Michelle lost a...

 **MICHELLE**

Eraser!

 **STEPH**

Yeah. An eraser.

 **ALEX**

Oh, we'll help find it.

 **MICHELLE**

Uh, no, no, no, that's okay. We can manage.  
You and Nicky go play upstairs.

 **Nicky and Alex shrug and go back upstairs.**

 **Jesse and Becky come downstairs, all dressed up.**

 **JESSE**

We're gonna be late.

 **STEPH**

Where are you going?

 **JESSE**

Wedding.

 **MICHELLE**

Whose?

 **JESSE**

Don't know yet.

 **BECKY**

Bye!

 **They rush out the door.**

 **D.J.**

Um, okay.

 **They hear Nicky yell.**

 **NICKY**

Hey! Where's French Fry?!

 **MICHELLE**

 _Oh..._

 **Nicky runs downstairs.**

 **NICKY**

French Fry is lost!

 **D.J.**

No, no, Nicky. He's not lost. We...uh...took  
him to get his shell polished.

 **NICKY**

He has a shell?

 **STEPH**

Sure he does! All bugs have exoskeletons! I think...

 **D.J.**

No they don't...

 **JOEY**

He'll be back by this afternoon, Nicky.

 **NICKY**

Well okay.

 **Nicky and Alex go back upstairs.**

 **STEPH**

Why did you say that?!

 **JOEY**

I had to say something!

 **MICHELLE**

Let's keep looking. We don't have much  
time left. We've got to find that needle!

 **They give her a look.**

 **MICHELLE**

That's what Steph said.

 **JOEY**

Think. If you where a bug, where would you be?

 **MICHELLE**

In the yard.

 **D.J.**

We're doomed.

 ** _AT A HUGE CHURCH HALL_**

 **Jesse and Becky come up to the building.**

 **JESSE**

Wow. Okay. Whoever's getting married is _rich._

 **BECKY**

Shouldn't we have brought something?

 **JESSE**

Doesn't look like they need anything. They got enough dough.

 **Becky rolls her eyes and they go into the lobby.**

 **BECKY**

Do you know any of these people?

 **JESSE**

Nope.

 **People start passing them.**

 **JESSE**

Hi. Hello. Nice to see you. What are we supposed to be doing?

 **BECKY**

Let's just follow them.

 **They go into the huge hall and find a seat.**

 **BECKY**

Are you sure we shouldn't get anything?

 **JESSE**

Sure. Let's go back to the lobby and  
get some appetizers. I'm starving.

 **BECKY**

You just ate lunch.

 **JESSE**

But the sight of bacon-wrapped deviled eggs  
is mouth-watering.

 **BECKY**

Are you sure it's not the women in booty  
shorts who are handing them out?

 **He gives her a look and they go into the lobby.**

 **A woman in a bride's dress comes out of the preparation room, talking frantically to a wedding planner.**

 **WEDDING PLANNER**

Should I stall them for a few more minutes?

 **Jesse freezes.**

 **The girl stares at Jesse.**

 **Jesse drops his bacon-wrapped deviled egg.**

 **JESSE**

Uh- y- wh-

 **JESSICA**

You- you're...

 **They continue to stare at each other.**

 **Becky sighs.**

 **BECKY**

Hi, I'm Rebecca Donaldson. Nice to meet you.

 **Jessica notices Becky.**

 **JESSICA**

Oh, um, hi. Nice to... nice to meet you too...

 **She turns back to Jesse.**

 **JESSICA**

Wow. I...didn't think you'd...come.

 **JESSE**

Yeah, I...just got your invitation. Like, an hour ago. Wow.

 **JESSICA**

I mean, you didn't RSVP...

 **JESSE**

No, like, I _actually_ just got your invitation an  
hour ago. I'm not saying that as an excuse.

 **JESSICA**

Oh. Okay. Right.

 **They look at each other.**

 **JESSICA**

So...how have you been doing?

 **JESSE**

I'm great. What about you?

 **JESSICA**

Well, look around. How do you think?

 **JESSE**

Yeah...who are you marrying? A prince? This place is a palace.

 **JESSICA**

Well, Rick's pretty loaded. Mostly why I'm marrying him.

 **Jesse chuckles.**

 **JESSE**

Wow. So. You're getting married.

 **JESSICA**

Yep.

 **JESSE**

I thought we promised each other when we were old  
and gray, we'd get back together and get married.

 **JESSICA**

Oh. That's right... but apparently you broke the deal first.

 **Jesse remembers Becky is standing right there.**

 **JESSE**

Oh, uh, Jessica, this is...my...

 **BECKY**

 _Wife._

 **JESSICA**

I realized.

 **JESSE**

Oh. Yeah, of course. You...'cause you said...right.

 **Becky rolls her eyes.**

 **JESSICA**

So, how is everyone? Pam? Danny?

 **JESSE**

Oh, um...well, I actually live with Danny and his girls.

 **JESSICA**

Right! D.J. I remember her.

 **JESSE**

He had two more while you weren't around.

 **JESSICA**

Really? That's...wait, why do you live with them?

 **JESSE**

Well...Pam...she got killed in a car crash. About ten years ago.

 **JESSICA**

 **(shocked)** What?! Pam... Oh, I'm so sorry.

 **JESSE**

Thanks. But you're not the one who killed her.

 **Jessica sighs.**

 **JESSICA**

Wow. I can't believe it. Pam, of all people. She was so  
alive. So full of energy. She was like my big sister, too.

 **They stand in silence for a second.**

 **JESSE**

Changing the subject. What do you do? Like, for a job.

 **JESSICA**

Oh, I'm a psychiatrist.

 **JESSE**

I'm sorry, you're a _what_?

 **JESSICA**

Don't mock...

 **JESSE**

Oh, _no,_ never...but a psychiatrist? I never would have guessed.

 **JESSICA**

Well, what do _you_ do?

 **JESSE**

I'm a musician.

 **JESSICA**

Fine. You win the predictability prize.

 **JESSE**

Ha.

 **JESSICA**

So, did you manage to find another girlfriend after I left?

 **JESSE**

Oh, ha ha. Yes. It took a while, but eventually I got  
back into the game. Actually, I dated Cindy right after you left.

 **JESSICA**

Cindy? My ex-best friend Cindy?  
Why? You never liked her.

 **JESSE**

Well, she was the closest thing I had to you.

 **Jessica rolls her eyes.**

 **JESSE**

After that, I only had a few really good girlfriends.  
Alison, Carrie, Donna, Juliet...but none of them were like you.

 **Becky clears her throat.**

 **JESSE**

Oh, yeah. There was Becky too.

 **Becky sighs.**

 **JESSICA**

Well, I never had another real boyfriend until Ricardo.

 **BECKY**

Uh- speaking of Ricardo, shouldn't you go get married?

 **JESSICA**

Oh. Yeah, I have to finish getting ready. See you later.

 **JESSE**

Wait. How did you know where to find me?

 **JESSICA**

I looked you up.

 **She leaves.**

 **JESSE**

She looked me up. Wow.

 **BECKY**

Yeah. That was great. Can we go sit down now?

 **Becky drags Jesse back, and he grabs another bacon-wrapped deviled egg in the process.**

 **JESSE**

She looked me up. She looked me up...

 _ **IN THE ATTIC**_

 **The girls are still looking for that damn bug.**

 **D.J.**

Okay, that's it. I give up.

 **MICHELLE**

Whoever gives up has to tell Nicky we lost his spud.

 **D.J. groans.**

 **STEPH**

Hey guys! I think I found something!

 **They run over.**

 **STEPH**

Oh wait. It's just a spider. Never mind.

 **Nicky and Alex come upstairs.**

 **D.J.**

Oh, hi, Nicky! Alex.

 **NICKY**

Now what are you looking for?

 **STEPH**

Still the eraser. Naughty thing. Doesn't know  
where to draw the line in these games.

 **ALEX**

Maybe because erasers can't draw lines. If you were  
looking for a pencil, it would be another can of worms.

 **NICKY**

Speaking of worms, it's almost time for French Fry's snack time.

 **MICHELLE**

French Fry eats worms?

 **NICKY**

Ew! No! Why would he do that?

 **MICHELLE**

But...you said...speaking of...

 **D.J.**

Nicky, the spa will give French Fry his snack at the right time.

 **NICKY**

What spa?

 **D.J.**

Um, I mean...uh...the...

 **STEPH**

Polishing place.

 **D.J.**

Yeah. But, um, they've sent French Fry to a spa  
now. His, uh, shell needed a...massage.

 **Michelle snickers, and D.J. elbows her.**

 **NICKY**

Oh. Okay. When will he be back?

 **D.J.**

Uh...they don't know yet.

 **NICKY**

Well, how will they know what he eats?

 **D.J.**

I told them.

 **NICKY**

How do _you_ know what he eats?

 **D.J.**

Um...I...thought he ate...worms.

 **Nicky shakes his head.**

 **NICKY**

He eats normal food.

 **D.J.**

Okay, I'm going to call the spa right now. I'll tell them what to give him.

 **D.J. gets a phone and dials.**

 _ **Split screen- D.J. and Jesse the wedding.**_

 **JESSE**

Hello?

 **D.J.**

Hello? Is this the...little...critter's...resort?

 **JESSE**

D.J.?

 **D.J.**

Yes, I'd like to change the lunch order for a Mr. French Fry.

 **JESSE**

What are you talking about?

 **NICKY**

Tell them to give him a grain of cooked rice with a side of a pea  
and for dessert, a strawberry seed. He usually doesn't finish it.

 **JESSE**

Is that Nicky?

 **D.J.**

Did you get that, sir? Alright, thank you. Goodbye.

 **JESSE**

Wait, hold on! What are you talking about?

 **D.J.**

 **(whispering)** Uncle Jesse? See, we kind of may have temporarily  
misplaced French Fry and we told Nicky that we sent  
him to a spa. Just play along. Bye!

 **JESSE**

Wait-

 **D.J. hangs up.**

 **Jesse groans and turns off his really old cellphone.**

 **BECKY**

Who was that?

 **JESSE**

Wrong number.

 **BECKY**

Well, shh. They're starting.

 **Jesse sighs and sits back as Jessica comes out into the hall and organ music plays.**

 ** _A WHILE LATER- AT THE WEDDING HALL_**

 **Some random dude is giving a speech.**

 **DUDE**

I just can't believe my bro Ricky is a married man already.  
It seem like just yesterday I met him on the first day of kindergarten.  
He had such a bad haircut...actually, I think I still have a picture...

 **RICARDO**

Okay, there's no need to show that right now...

 **The dude takes out a picture and shows it to everyone.**

 **Everyone laughs.**

 **RICARDO**

You're a dead man, Carl!

 **Carl happily jumps off the podium.**

 **Jesse gets up.**

 **BECKY**

Where are you going?

 **JESSE**

I'm gonna give a speech.

 **BECKY**

What?

 **Jesse makes his way up to the podium.**

 **JESSE**

Uh, hi everyone. I don't have a speech planned, so I guess I'll wing it.

 **He takes a deep breath.**

 **JESSE**

Jessica was my first real girlfriend. To be honest, she was my  
first _ever_ girlfriend. I met her in seventh grade. I was young and  
naive back then, and I liked her because she had black hair. But  
eventually, we got serious. We dated all of junior high and half of high school.  
Then, in the middle of tenth grade, she moved away to Idaho.  
I was devastated. I thought I would never see her again. But here  
I am, after 18 years, at her wedding. I always thought we would  
get married someday. And I guess all couples like to think that,  
but you don't date for that long at such a young age for no reason.  
Anyway, Ricardo, I don't know you, but you better believe me when I say  
you chose a good girl. Take care of her. I know she'll make you happy.

 **Jessica gives him a small smile.**

 **Jesse steps down and goes back to his seat.**

 **Becky gives a look.**

 _ **IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **The girls are still looking...**

 **D.J.**

Michelle, _you_ lost the bug, _you_ have to tell Nicky. I have become  
a slave to something less than an inch long, and I'm done.

 **MICHELLE**

That's not fair!

 **STEPH**

Actually, that's the very meaning of fair. See ya.

 **Stephanie goes to leave and steps on something crunchy.**

 **The girls look at each other.**

 **STEPH**

What was that?

 **Three guesses.**

 _ **IN THE BASEMENT**_

 **Danny and Joey are in the basement playing cards.**

 **JOEY**

If you could marry any woman in the world, who would it be?

 **DANNY**

I don't know. What about you?

 **JOEY**

It's a tie between Michelle Pfieffer and Whitney Houston.

 **Danny gives him a look.**

 **JOEY**

What? Girl can sing.

 **DANNY**

Probably Vicky. **(remember her?)**

 **JOEY**

Ugh. That's not what I meant.

 **The girls run in.**

 **STEPH**

Guys...we may have a problem.

 **Stephanie shows them French Fry, who is half-squashed.**

 **DANNY**

Uh-oh.

 **JOEY**

What happened?

 **MICHELLE**

Stephanie stepped on him.

 **STEPH**

 _You're_ the one who let him out of his jar!

 **JOEY**

We are so dead.

 **MICHELLE**

Why are _you_ dead?

 **JOEY**

Nicky's gonna want to have a funeral. And you know  
how that was last time. I had to hold an onion  
under my nose so I would cry!

 **D.J.**

Huh?

 **MICHELLE**

Oh, yeah. You missed that. Lucky you.

 **STEPH**

Well, we're not going to _tell_ Nicky. He'll be heartbroken.

 **MICHELLE**

Well, my job here is done. Have fun!

 **Stephanie grabs her arm.**

 **STEPH**

You owe us. We helped you look for him.

 **D.J.**

Who's _us_? I don't owe anyone anything.

 **STEPH**

You're the one who got to miss the whole dead-potato-bug dilemma last time.

 **D.J.**

How does that make me guilty?

 **STEPH**

Come on. We have to think of something.

 **MICHELLE**

But after this we're all even right?

 **Stephanie nods.**

 _ **AT THE WEDDING RECEPTION**_

 **The Best Man is on the podium.**

 **BEST MAN**

It is now time for the first dance by the bride  
and groom. Everybody take your seats.

 **Everyone sits down and the dude put on the song "When we were young" by Adele.**

 **Jessica and Ricardo go onto the dance floor.**

 _"...Everybody loves the things you do_

 _From the way you talk to the way you move_

 _Everybody here is watching you_

 _'Cause you feel like home_

 _You're like a dream come true_

 _But if by chance you're here alone_

 _Can I have a moment before I go?_

 _'Cause I've been by myself all night long_

 _Hoping you're someone I used to know_

 _You look like a movie_

 _You sound like a song_

 _My God, this reminds me_

 _Of when we were young_

 _Let me photograph you in this light_

 _In case it is the last time_

 _That we might be exactly like we were_

 _Before we realized_

 _We were sad of getting old_

 _It made us restless_

 _It was just like a movie_

 _It was just like a song_

 _I was so scared to face my fears_

 _Nobody told me that you'd be here_

 _And I swear you moved overseas_

 _That's what you said, when you left me_

 _You still look like a movie_

 _You still sound like a song_

 _My God, this reminds me_

 _Of when we were young_

 _Let me photograph you in this light_

 _In case it is the last time_

 _That we might be exactly like we were_

 _Before we realized_

 _We were sad of getting old_

 _It made us restless_

 _It was just like a movie_

 _It was just like a song_

 _When we were young  
_

 _When we were young  
_ _When we were young_  
 _When we were young_

 _It's hard to admit that_

 _Everything just takes me back_

 _To when you were there_

 _To when you were there_

 _And a part of me keeps holding on_

 _Just in case it hasn't gone_

 _I guess I still care_

 _Do you still care?_

 _It was just like a movie_

 _It was just like a song_

 _My God, this reminds me_

 _Of when we were young_

 _When we were young  
_

 _When we were young_

 _When we were young_

 _When we were young_

 _Let me photograph you in this light_

 _In case it is the last time_

 _That we might be exactly like we were_

 _Before we realized_

 _We were sad of getting old_

 _It made us restless_

 _Oh I'm so mad I'm getting old_

 _It makes me reckless_

 _It was just like a movie_

 _It was just like a song_

 _When we were young..."_

 **Everyone claps and cheers.**

 **BEST MAN**

Alright, everyone on the dance floor!

 **They all get up and move onto the dance floor. Jesse stays where he is.**

 **Ricardo leaves and Jessica goes over to Jesse and drags him up.**

 **JESSE**

Hey, what are you doing?

 **JESSICA**

What does it look like?

 **JESSE**

You know very well that I don't dance.

 **JESSICA**

Well, let's change that.

 **JESSE**

You just dumped your husband you know.

 **JESSICA**

He won't miss me. He's got seven bridesmaids to keep him busy.

 **They start dancing.**

 **JESSICA**

You never took any lessons?

 **JESSE**

No...why would I do that?

 **JESSICA**

Well God knows you needed them.

 **JESSE**

Hey, I can dance. I just _don't._

 **JESSICA**

Alright. Show me.

 **Jesse sighs and breaks into a wild clumsy dance routine.**

 **JESSE**

How was that?

 **Jessica stares at him, amused.**

 **JESSICA**

Well, the good news is you haven't changed.  
The bad news is...you haven't changed.

 **Jesse chuckles.**

 **JESSE**

Okay, look. When you get back from your honeymoon, you have  
to come by. Meet my family. Well, the ones you haven't already met.

 **JESSICA**

For sure.

 **Jesse smiles and spins her around.**

 ** _IN THE LIVING ROOM AT NIGHT_**

 **The kids are all in the living room after dinner.**

 **D.J.**

Nicky, I promise you, French Fry is fine. He's  
just staying extra long at the spa. Okay?

 **Nicky puts his hands on his hips.**

 **NICKY**

Well, when is he coming back? His babies need him.

 **STEPH**

Uncle Danny can take care of us by himself. I'm sure Potato Chip can as well.

 **NICKY**

 _Uncle Danny_ doesn't have twenty-two babies.

 **STEPH**

Uh...oh.

 **Jesse and Becky burst through the door.**

 **JESSE**

You'll _never_ guess who's wedding I was just at!

 **STEPH**

Halle Berry's?

 **JESSE**

What? No. And isn't she married?

 **STEPH**

She is?

 **JESSE**

Yeah, to that baseball player.

 **STEPH**

Why do you know that?

 **JESSE**

Can we change the subject?

 **D.J.**

Well, who's wedding were you at then?

 **JESSE**

Jessica's!

 **They look at him.**

 **MICHELLE**

Who?

 **JESSE**

Jessica Chan! Well, Carrington now...

 **D.J.**

Who is that?

 **JESSE**

My old girlfriend.

 **D.J.**

The one in that album of yours?

 **Becky raises her eyebrows.**

 **JESSE**

Album? What album? I don't have any album  
... Okay yes. And I was at her wedding!

 **STEPH**

Really? Ha, it's just like that soap opera where the two  
married high school sweethearts run into each other  
twenty years later and fall back in love.

 **They stare at her.**

 **JESSE**

No. No. Not like that at all.

 **STEPH**

 _Sure..._

 ** _A WEEK LATER_**

 **The doorbell rings.**

 **Jesse runs to answer the door.**

 **JESSE**

Hey!

 **JESSICA**

Hey!

 **Hugs.**

 **JESSE**

Glad you could make it! How was your honeymoon?

 **JESSICA**

Amazing. Argentina was unbearably hot though.

 **JESSE**

Well, I hope you took lots of pictures. Hey everybody! Look who it is!

 **The peeps run down.**

 **DANNY**

 _Jessica?!_

 **JESSICA**

Danny!

 **Hugs.**

 **DANNY**

Oh my- what are you _doing_ here?!

 **JESSICA**

I came to visit. I hope that's okay.

 **DANNY**

Oh, no, of course! But...you moved away...

 **JESSE**

She moved back.

 **JESSICA**

Eleven years ago.

 **JESSE**

 _Eleven years_?! You've been here _eleven years_  
and you just _now_ decided to contact me?

 **JESSICA**

Well, you didn't call me! Or write...or visit.  
I didn't think you'd want to see me.

 **JESSE**

Oh...the only reason I didn't was because I was trying to forget you.

 **Um...**

 **JESSE**

I mean- that came out wrong. I was...trying to get you out  
of my head. Stop thinking about you 24/7. I was trying to move on.  
And obviously, I didn't handle the situation very well. I'm sorry.

 **JESSICA**

Oh, it's okay. I'm kind of glad actually. I was trying to move on too.

 **Joey runs is.  
**

 **JOEY**

Jess, do you have to yell? I was trying to practice my... _Jasmine!_

 **JESSE**

Jessica.

 **JOEY**

What? No, that's Jasmine.

 **JESSE**

It's Jessica.

 **JOEY**

Are you sure? I could've sworn-

 **JESSE**

I know my own ex-girlfriends, Joe.

 **JOEY**

Girlfriend? I thought she was your friend in grade school.

 **JESSE**

That was _Jasmine._

 **JOEY**

Well, that's what I said.

 **JESSE**

No- she- _This_ is Jessica. _Jasmine_ is someone else.

 **JOEY**

But-

 **JESSE**

Moving on.

 **NICKY**

Are we supposed to like her?

 **JESSE**

What? Of course. Why wouldn't you like her?

 **ALEX**

We weren't supposed to like Aunt Wendy...

 **JESSE**

Oh. No, this one's okay.

 **JESSICA**

Wendy? Wendy's here?

 **JESSE**

Oh, no, she's not _here_. She's unfortunately  
in an apartment somewhere in town.

 **JESSICA**

You guys still hate each other?

 **JESSE**

Yup.

 **NICKY**

You don't have a snake, do you?

 **JESSICA**

Uh, no.

 **NICKY**

Good.

 **The girls rush through the back door. (They were somewhere else. Just accept it.)**

 **JESSE**

Jess, these are my nieces, D.J., Stephanie and Michelle.

 **The girls say hello.**

 **JESSICA**

That... _that's_ D.J.?

 **D.J.**

Um, yeah. That's me.

 **JESSICA**

Wow.

 **D.J.**

What?

 **JESSICA**

You got big, kid. Last time I saw you, you were two years old. Not even!

 **D.J.**

Oh. Well...thanks. I think.

 **STEPH**

So. You're Jessica. The one that got away.

 **JESSE**

Steph...

 **Jessica chuckles.**

 **JESSICA**

I see you've told your family all about me.

 **STEPH**

Oh, yeah...did you know he has a photo  
album of you and him back in the day?

 **JESSICA**

Back in the...what?

 **JESSE**

Feel free to stop talking any time.

 **DANNY**

Oh! Hey, Jess, I've got something to show you.

 **JESSICA**

Me?

 **DANNY**

Uh, no, the other one...but you too. Come on.

 **They go upstairs.**

 **JESSICA**

Hey, Becca.

 **BECKY**

It's Becky.

 **Danny goes over to his drawer and takes out a little box.**

 **JOEY**

What's that?

 **DANNY**

That's Pam's box. All the stuff I kept of her.

 **JESSICA**

Oh, I heard about Pam. I'm so sorry.

 **Danny smiles sadly and hands the box to Jesse.**

 **JESSE**

Uh-

 **DANNY**

Open it.

 **Jesse opens the box.**

 **JESSE**

Wh- Hey! Doggy Katsopolis! -I mean...my old  
stuffed animal. Why did she have this?

 **DANNY**

Beats me.

 **JESSE**

Is that...is that...

 **JESSICA**

That's my bracelet!

 **JESSE**

The one you gave me in seventh grade. Wow.

 **JESSICA**

I can't believe you kept this!

 **JESSE**

I _didn't_! I threw it away after you left. Danny, where did you get this?

 **DANNY**

Pam.

 **JESSE**

Where did _Pam_ get this?

 **DANNY**

She took it out of the trash. She figured you might want to have it someday.

 **JESSE**

Wow. Was it always this pink? I can't believe I actually wore this in public.

 **JESSICA**

I guess you really loved me.

 **JESSE**

Where's yours?

 **JESSICA**

I threw mine out too. And unfortunately, I didn't have a caring big  
sister to keep it for e. It was just me and my mom,  
and I don't think she thought twice about it.

 **STEPH**

But why would you throw it out?

 **JESSE**

I don't know. I was just mad I guess.

 **DANNY**

Hey, I got an idea.

 **He takes the bracelet and gets scissors.**

 **JESSE**

Uh, what are you-

 **Danny cuts the long bracelet in half.**

 **DANNY**

There. Now you can both have one.

 **JESSE**

Oh no no no. I am not wearing that. My bracelet days are over.

 **Jessica gives him a pleading look.**

 **JESSE**

Alright fine. But _under_ my sleeve.

 **JESSICA**

I see you're still a sucker for a puppy face.

 **MICHELLE**

Yup. Great, isn't it?

 **STEPH**

So, Jessica. You're married huh? Or did you just tie the  
knot to make Uncle Jesse jealous?

 **They all stare at her.**

 **STEPH**

What? It's a perfectly reasonable question.

 **DANNY**

No more daytime soaps for you.

 **NICKY**

Wanna see my bugs?

 **JESSICA**

Um, sure Nicky.

 **NICKY**

 **(surprised)** Wow, she knows my name!  
She _is_ better than Aunt Wendy.

 **JESSE**

Right?

 **Nicky goes to his room.**

 **JESSICA**

 **(whispers)** I totally just guessed.

 **JESSE**

Sometimes we do too.

 **NICKY**

Hey, D.J.? When's French Fry coming back from the spa?

 **JESSE**

Spa? What spa? I thought you said you lost him.

 **The girls shoot him a dirty look.**

 **JESSE**

Oh, uh, I mean-

 **NICKY**

You lost him?

 **STEPH**

Michelle let him out of his jar!

 **MICHELLE**

 _Stephanie_ stepped on him!

 **NICKY**

She _what?!_

 **STEPH**

Michelle!

 **MICHELLE**

You started it!

 **STEPH**

 _Uncle Jesse_ started it!

 **NICKY**

Wait, does that mean he's squished?

 **STEPH**

Half-squished.

 **D.J.**

He's dead, Nicky. We're really sorry. No, correction,  
 _they're_ really sorry. _I_ did nothing wrong.

 **NICKY**

Oh.

 **Silence.**

 **NICKY**

Well, you wanna see the rest of them?

 **JESSICA**

Um, of course.

 **Nicky leaves again to go get the bugs.**

 **STEPH**

Hold on. So...he's not mad?

 **D.J.**

Wow, I guess not.

 **MICHELLE**

I told you we should've told him in the first place.

 **STEPH**

You didn't even _kind of_ suggest that.

 **Nicky comes back with the bugs.**

 **NICKY**

Hey, guys?

 **STEPH**

Yeah?

 **NICKY**

French Fry is right here.

 **They all look into the jar.**

 **D.J.**

Then who's...

 **NICKY**

Stephie, can I see the half-squished one?

 **STEPH**

Uh...sure. Let me get it. Uh...

 **NICKY**

You didn't throw it in the garbage, did you?

 **STEPH**

What? Of _course_ not!

 **Stephanie goes over to the trash and takes out the bug.**

 **STEPH**

 _D.J._ did.

 **D.J.**

Ugh.

 **Nicky takes a close look at the bug.**

 **The others stand around, waiting for something to happen.**

 **NICKY**

Nope. That's not French Fry. That's Potato Chip.

 **JOEY**

The mom?

 **NICKY**

Yeah. French Fry was in the jar the whole time.

 **STEPH**

Oh.

 **MICHELLE**

Told you.

 **STEPH**

Told me _what?!_

 **DANNY**

So does this mean we're not gonna have a funeral?

 **NICKY**

Of course we're gonna have a funeral. I'm also gonna have  
to ask Stephanie to give up her shoe so we can  
burn it in mourning. You know, to pay respects.

 **STEPH**

Respects? How about paying for a new pair $200 Doc Martins?

 **NICKY**

I'm not the one who stepped on an innocent bug.

 **STEPH**

Well, why can't Michelle give her shoe?

 **MICHELLE**

 _I'm_ not the one who stepped on an innocent bug either.

 **STEPH**

What about D.J.? She threw him- I mean her, in the trash!

 **D.J.**

I was cleaning up after _your_ mess.

 **Nicky holds out his hand.**

 **NICKY**

The shoe, please.

 **Steph groans.**

 _ **THAT NIGHT- OUT ON THE PORCH**_

 **Jesse and Jessica (hmm I wonder how to create a shipname out of that...I was thinking to use Hermes instead, so It would be Jermes, or else it would be Jesseca. Anyway...) are standing on the front porch, while everyone else is chatting it up in the living room.**

 **JESSE**

So.

 **JESSICA**

So.

 **JESSE**

Now you've met my family.

 **JESSICA**

And I love them. You got a good thing going.

 **JESSE**

Yeah. I guess I do.

 **JESSICA**

I hope someday I get to have it too.

 **JESSE**

You will.

 **Jessica gives him a small smile.**

 **JESSICA**

Well, I have a flight to catch tomorrow morning, so  
I have to get home to pack up the rest of my stuff.

 **JESSE**

Oh? Where to?

 **JESSICA**

Brazil.

 **JESSE**

Uh...what?

 **JESSICA**

Oh, didn't I tell you? Rick wants to move back there.  
That's where he grew up and apparently he has his heart set on  
living there. At least for a while. I didn't want to deny him  
that, but no way am I moving to South America for good.

 **JESSE**

No...you didn't tell me.

 **JESSICA**

Well, we decided on the honeymoon. I'm sorry.

 **JESSE**

No, it's fine, it's none of my business anyway. So...you're moving again.

 **JESSICA**

Yeah.

 **JESSE**

Well, okay. I'll try not to cry for two months this time.

 **JESSICA**

Aww...you cried?

 **JESSE**

What? No! No, no, no...I-I meant metaphorically.

 **JESSICA**

The tough manly Jess-man, crying over me. That's so sweet.

 **JESSE**

 **(grumbling)** Well, don't let it go to your head or anything...

 **JESSICA**

So, I guess this is goodbye.

 **JESSE**

Yeah, I guess so.

 **JESSICA**

How about it? For old times sake.

 **JESSE**

What, seriously? That is so 70's.

 **JESSICA**

That's the point.

 **They make their hands into J's and put them together, creating a heart.**

 **They slide their fingers together.**

 **JESSE**

I'm glad I got to see you again.

 **JESSICA**

Me too.

 **They sigh.**

 **JESSICA**

See you in eighteen years.

 **Jessica goes down to her car and drives away.**

 _ **Flashback.**_

 **15 year old Jesse and Jessica are standing at Jesse's doorstep, kissing for the last time.**

 **Jessica's mom honks the horn from inside her car.**

 **JESSICA'S MOM**

Come on, honey! We have a flight to catch!

 **YOUNG JESSICA**

Well...bye.

 **YOUNG JESSE**

Bye.

 **They look at each other and Jessica gives him a small peck on the lips, then runs off to the car.**

 **Jesse watches as they drive away, a tear slipping down his face.**

 ** _Flashback ends._**

 **Jesse sighs again as the car leaves.**

 **BECKY**

Hey, Jess! Come back in, we're having ice cream!

 **Jesse forces a smile.**

 **JESSE**

Coming!

 **He looks back at the road and chuckles.**

 **JESSE**

See you in eighteen years.

 **He ducks back into the house.**

 **-END TUNE-**

* * *

 **Question of the Week: What are the names of Danny, Jesse, Joey and Becky's moms?**

 **(Also, I'm not going to post this Sunday, cuz I have a road trip to go on, so I'll try to post the next Sunday. =)**


	15. Ep 15- How To Deal With Rich Dudes

**A/N: Damn, I have horrible time management. But I know that's no excuse. First of all, I'd like to thank 'Guest' for going on my word and yelling at me for being late. Thank you for that. It motivated me to actually finish the chapter. =D Four months ago's Question of the Week winner was... kimmywimmy4! Congrats! Technically, 'Guest' answered first, but I can't tell who you are if you don't say! And of course, new question at the bottom of the episode!  
**

 **Disclaimer: Not mine. But of course you knew that already. ;D**

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode Fifteen**

 **How To Deal With Rich Dudes**

 _ **IN STEPHANIE AND MICHELLE'S ROOM**_

 **Stephanie, Gia, and two boys from school, Thomas and Arthur are in Stephanie's room.**

 **Thomas and Arthur are playing video games.**

 **STEPH**

Guys, come on. We have to start working.  
This project is due on Monday!

 **THOMAS**

That's in five days. We have time.

 **STEPH**

Yeah but-

 **GIA**

Hey Steph, can you do my right hand? I always mess it up.

 **Stephanie takes the nail polish from Gia.**

 **STEPH**

Can we at least pick a topic?

 **THOMAS**

We already did.

 **STEPH**

Canadians do not count as a different species.

 **THOMAS**

They put 'u's in words for no reason. You  
can't tell me that's normal behavior!

 **Stephanie rolls her eyes. #boys ykno?**

 _ **DOWNSTAIRS**_

 **The doorbell rings.**

 **Danny runs down to get it.**

 **There is a man in an Armani suit standing there.**

 **DANNY**

Jess! It's for you!

 **Jesse runs down.**

 **JESSE**

What's for me- _Dmitri?!_

 **DANTE**

Dante.

 **JESSE**

Oh _no!_ What are you doing here?

 **DANTE**

What, no hello? No 'good to see you after all this time'?

 **JESSE**

Well, I don't like to lie. What do you want?

 **DANTE**

I was hoping you and I could have a little chat.

 **JESSE**

I don't have time for this. Goodbye.

 **DANTE**

Must I remind you that you still owe me sixteen dollars  
and twenty cents from that bet you lost in eighth grade?

 **JESSE**

What bet?

 **DANTE**

I said you didn't have the guts to ask the teacher for an  
extension on our history diorama, and you couldn't do it.

 **JESSE**

That was Mrs. Middlestone! One look from her could kill a cockroach.

 **DANTE**

Nonetheless, you lost.

 **JESSE**

Oh, you want your money back? Is that what this is  
about? I would've thought that was beneath you.

 **DANTE**

Right you are. I'm not here for my money. That was just so you  
don't close the door on me. No, I'm here to talk about our kids.

 **JESSE**

Kids?

 **DANTE**

Yes. You remember your kids, don't you? Blonde...about yay high...

 **JESSE**

I remember mine, but when did _you_ have a kid?

 **DANTE**

Five years ago. Maxwell?

 **JESSE**

Oh right. Nicky and Alex's little friend.

 **DANTE**

I wouldn't say that.

 **JESSE**

Huh?

 **DANTE**

I recently received a complaint from my son  
that your kids weren't being very nice to him.

 **JESSE**

You _received_ a _complaint_? What, did he professionally  
file it and have his people call your people?

 **DANTE**

Joke all you want. I just thought I should tell you. You  
don't seem to be very up-to-date with your kids' social lives.

 **JESSE**

I am so! Last Thursday, it was Kenny's birthday. He  
had a chocolate cake with green icing. Two weeks ago,  
Sarah broke her ankle and David and Georgie stole her  
crutches and made her cry. Sam L. got a new baby sister  
on March 8th. Her names is Lindsay Marie. She has brown hair  
and green eyes. Oh, I also remember something from the very  
first day of school. Hmm...what was it...Oh that's _right!_ Some kid  
named _Max_ was teasing Nicky and Alex  
about being twins and calling them aliens!

 **DANTE**

That was months ago!

 **JESSE**

Why does that matter?

 **DANTE**

It's over. It lasted less than a day.

 **JESSE**

Well, I'd say I'm very caught up on my kids' lives, thank you very much.

 **DANTE**

Then I guess they forgot to mention some things.

 **JESSE**

What things? I have two mouths to feed me information.  
I usually tune out what they're yabbering on about anyway, so if I don't  
know something, it's because I wasn't listening, not because they didn't tell me.

 **DANTE**

Okay. It's your fault then.

 **JESSE**

Good! Wait what?

 **DANTE**

Why don't you ask them?

 **JESSE**

I was just about to do that! Nicky! Alex! Get down here please!

 **Nicky and Alex clomp down the stairs.**

 **JESSE**

Boys, this is Max's dad. He says-

 **NICKY**

Max's dad?

 **JESSE**

Yes.

 **ALEX**

Uh...

 **Nicky and Alex share a look.**

 **ALEX**

We're sorry! He's the one who started it! He said that he  
has more toys than us, then _we_ said that he's a spoiled rich kid,  
then _he_ said we were poor, and then _we_ said he's a necrophiliac!

 **NICKY**

Don't put us in jail!

 **Dante looks at Jesse.**

 **JESSE**

Uh, would you excuse us for a moment?

 **He drags Nicky and Alex into the kitchen.**

 **JESSE**

Why would you _say_ that?!

 **NICKY**

He started it!

 **JESSE**

That doesn't mean- okay you know what? You  
are going to go apologize to Dante right now.

 **ALEX**

Who's Dante?

 **JESSE**

He's the guy in the living room.

 **NICKY**

Max has to apologize first.

 **JESSE**

What? You called him a necrophiliac! Where did you even learn that?

 **ALEX**

Aunt Wendy.

 **JESSE**

Ugh...that _Wendy.._.

 **DANTE**

 **(yelling from the living room)** I hate to interrupt, Jesse, but  
it's rude to keep your guests waiting.

 **JESSE**

You're hardly a guest. You came uninvited. You can wait as long as I want.

 **DANTE**

I wasn't finished talking to you!

 **Jesse groans and pushes the door open.**

 **JESSE**

I am not done with you two.

 **He goes back to Dante.**

 **DANTE**

Do you believe me now?

 **JESSE**

Alright, fine. Maybe they are having a little situation,  
but they're friends. All friends have fights.

 **DANTE**

Oh really.

 **JESSE**

But of course you wouldn't know. Who were your friends  
back in grade school? Other than your _twin brother._

 **DANTE**

Uh- so what if I didn't have a ton of besties? I didn't need any.

 **JESSE**

What about girlfriends? I only remember you having maximum two.

 **DANTE**

I don't care. I have Patricia.

 **JESSE**

Oh yeah. Speaking of which, how much did you  
have to pay her to get into bed with you?

 **Dante glares at him.**

 **DANTE**

Alright, Jesse. I'm going to cut to the chase.  
If your kids don't stop being mean to Max, I'll sue you.

 **O_O**

 **JESSE**

What?

 **DANTE**

You heard me. No one hurts my kid and gets away with it.

 **JESSE**

Oh you can _not_ be serious.

 **DANTE**

I can, and I am.

 **JESSE**

He doesn't even know what necrophiliac  
means! Neither do Nicky and Alex!

 **DANTE**

Well I'm not going to stand around and wait for it to get worse!

 **JESSE**

Dante-

 **DANTE**

I have money, Jesse. If I sue you, you _will_ go down.

 **JESSE**

Not everything can be solved with money!

 **DANTE**

It can if you have enough.

 **JESSE**

They can work it out on their own!

 **DANTE**

They should have by now. It's time to get involved.

 **JESSE**

But they're five years old! It'll blow over soon.

 **DANTE**

They might be young, but kids can still be mean.

 **JESSE**

Well, it's two against one so _suck it!_

 **Dante steps back.**

 **DANTE**

It was nice talking to you Jesse. I'll see  
you soon. In the courtroom if necessary.

 **He opens the door and leaves.**

 **Jesse stands there, open-mouthed.**

 **BECKY**

Who the heck was that?

 **Jesse spins around.**

 **JESSE**

Oh Becky! Hey...um yeah, he was selling...goat cheese.

 **BECKY**

He said courtroom.

 **JESSE**

How much of that did you happen to hear?

 **BECKY**

Jess!

 **JESSE**

Alright, alright. He said that Nicky and Alex are calling his kid  
mean names, and if we don't make them stop, he'll sue us.

 **BECKY**

Who _was_ he?

 **JESSE**

Dante Dusilo. His son is in the twins' class.

 **BECKY**

And he's going to sue us because our kids are having a little fight?

 **JESSE**

Ugh. And I thought the was a brat back then.

 **BECKY**

Back when?

 **JESSE**

We went to school together.

 **BECKY**

What is it with all your old friends popping up on our  
doorstep all of a sudden? First Wendy, then  
Jessica, and now this guy!

 **JESSE**

 _Excuse_ me, he and Wendy are not my friends.

 **BECKY**

Well, I hope you have a plan to solve this issue. What  
do you do when someone threatens to sue you?

 **JESSE**

I don't know. No one has ever threatened to sue me before.

 **BECKY**

Well-

 **JESSE**

I know! Sue them back.

 **Becky gives him a weird look.**

 **JESSE**

Well, what do you suggest?

 **BECKY**

Why don't you talk to Nicky and Alex?

 **JESSE**

I did! They said Max started it!

 **BECKY**

Who's Max?

 **JESSE**

His kid.

 **BECKY**

Oh. And?

 **JESSE**

And they will not apologize until Max apologizes.

 **BECKY**

Well, you better find a way to fix this, because I  
am not going to rot in a jail cell.

 **She leaves.**

 **JESSE**

What?

 _ **IN STEPHANIE AND MICHELLE'S ROOM**_

 **Stephanie is now looking through textbooks. Apparently she did not hear all the commotion downstairs.**

 **STEPH**

Okay. We can either do monkeys or frogs. The  
textbook has the most information on them.

 **ARTHUR**

Whatever.

 **THOMAS**

Why would we choose a topic that needs more work?

 **STEPH**

So we get a better mark?

 **Thomas scoffs.**

 **STEPH**

I need you guys to help me! I can't do this by myself.

 **THOMAS**

No one told you to do it.

 **STEPH**

Gia, a little help?

 **GIA**

Uh...monkeys sounds good.

 **STEPH**

Okay well, Thomas, you research on the Golden Lion Tamarin, and Arthur-

 **THOMAS**

Yeah, later. Come watch this game with us.

 **STEPH**

You know what, maybe I _can_ do this by myself.  
It looks like I'll have to anyway.

 **ARTHUR**

Whatever.

 **STEPH**

Hey, Arthur, do you by any chance have an  
older brother named Dwayne?

 **ARTHUR**

Yeah, why?

 **STEPH**

No reason.

 **GIA**

Steph you need to chill out.

 **STEPH**

This is a big project! Almost a third of our geography mark!

 **GIA**

We'll get to it.

 **THOMAS**

Ooh! Touchdown! They're killing it!

 **Stephanie groans and continues working.**

 _ **THE NEXT DAY- IN THE ATTIC**_

 **Jesse is sitting at the table and Becky is reading a book in bed.**

 **JESSE**

Ugh this is ridiculous. If my kids say Max  
started it, _he_ has to apologize first.

 **BECKY**

Jess, why don't you just let the kids work it out?

 **JESSE**

Dante says it'll just get worse unless he steps in, remember?

 **BECKY**

Nicky! Alex! Come here!

 **The boys run in.**

 **NICKY**

What you want this time?

 **BECKY**

I- excuse me?

 **JESSE**

Your mom want to know why you won't apologize to Max.

 **ALEX**

He started it!

 **BECKY**

But maybe you should be a good person and say sorry first.

 **NICKY**

Why?

 **JESSE**

Yeah, why?

 **ALEX**

He said we were poor!

 **Becky slams her book shut and gets up.**

 **BECKY**

What?!

 **JESSE**

Oh right, I may have forgotten to mention that.

 **BECKY**

Uh! That is so rude! Who _is_ this man exactly? I'm going to  
give him a piece of my mind. He thinks he can call my family poor...

 **JESSE**

He didn't. His five-year-old son did.

 **BECKY**

Well I bet he's the one who taught him to say  
things like that. He raised him to be a snob!  
Jess, we have to take him down!

 **JESSE**

Um...okay?

 **ALEX**

Are you gonna beat him up, mommy?

 **BECKY**

Oh you bet I-

 **Jesse gives her a look.**

 **BECKY**

I...mean...we can work this out like rational adults.

 **JESSE**

I thought it was the kids who have to work it out.

 **BECKY**

Not anymore!

 **She storms out to do God knows what.**

 _ **IN THE KITCHEN**_

 **Steph, Gia, Thomas, and Arthur are sitting at the kitchen table.**

 **STEPH**

So we're gonna do the project today right?

 **THOMAS**

I don't see the big deal Stephanie. We'll get to it.

 **STEPH**

When?

 **THOMAS**

Soon!

 **STEPH**

Did you do the research I told you to do?

 **THOMAS**

Oh, uh...I was going to do it, but then...I didn't. So...

 **Stephanie gives up.**

 **STEPH**

Alright, fine. We won't do any work. We can  
do it all later. What's the big deal, right?

 **THOMAS**

Exactly.

 **Becky storms downstairs.**

 **STEPH**

Aunt Becky, are you alright-

 **BECKY**

Steph, I need your help with something.

 **STEPH**

Uh, sure-

 **BECKY**

Go to the library and find me all the books about suing people they have.

 **STEPH**

Why?

 **BECKY**

Just do it please.

 **STEPH**

Okay...Michelle!

 **Michelle pokes her head in from the staircase.**

 **MICHELLE**

What.

 **STEPH**

Come with me to the library.

 **MICHELLE**

Why?

 **STEPH**

Just do it please.

 **MICHELLE**

But I don't want to go to the library.

 **STEPH**

Well then you can stay home with Gia and these two idiots.

 **MICHELLE**

But Gia's an idiot too.

 **Stephanie shrugs.**

 **GIA**

Hey!

 **MICHELLE**

Okay I'll come. But you better not make me  
hold all your books like last time!

 _ **AT THE LIBRARY**_

 **Michelle is holding a tall stack of books and Steph is looking through a textbook.**

 **MICHELLE**

Is that _it?_

 **STEPH**

Uh huh.

 **MICHELLE**

What's that then?

 **STEPH**

It's a book on monkeys.

 **MICHELLE**

Can we go? My arms are getting tired.

 **Steph takes a few more books off the shelf and puts them on the stack in Michelle's arms.**

 **STEPH**

Here. Takes these too.

 **MICHELLE**

Oof.

 _ **IN DANNY'S ROOM**_

 **Danny is trying to take a nap, but then Jesse runs in because since when do these people get a moment of peace?**

 **JESSE**

Danny!

 **DANNY**

What? I'm trying to get some shut-eye.

 **JESSE**

I need some fatherly advice.

 **DANNY**

But I'm not your father.

 **JESSE**

We-I meant...like...father-to-father...whatever.

 **DANNY**

Shoot.

 **JESSE**

So, Dante wants to sue me because Nicky and Alex had a little fight with Max, so-

 **DANNY**

Whoa whoa whoa. Dante?

 **JESSE**

Yeah.

 **DANNY**

Dante Dusilo? Your old friend?

 **JESSE**

Yeah. No. Not friend.

 **DANTE**

The rich one with the twin brother?

 **JESSE**

Yeah...

 **DANNY**

 _Ooh._ You're screwed.

 **JESSE**

Thank you for that. I'm greatly enlightened.

 **DANNY**

Jess, have you talked to Nicky and Alex?

 **JESSE**

They _will not_ apologize. Max started it.

 **DANNY**

Max...

 **JESSE**

His kid.

 **DANNY**

Right. Well. They're kids! They'll work it out eventually.

 **JESSE**

That's what I told him.

 **DANNY**

Max?

 **JESSE**

Dante.

 **DANNY**

Hm.

 **JESSE**

But he says he doesn't want to stand around.

 **DANNY**

But suing you? Seems a bit much.

 **JESSE**

He thinks everything can be solved if you have enough money.

 **DANNY**

Well, I guess that's the way he was raised.  
Now he's teaching Max the same things.

 **JESSE**

So what do I do?

 **DANNY**

I don't know.

 **JESSE**

Helpful.

 **DANNY**

I don't know, Jess. This is your problem. But I can tell you one thing.  
This guy either has a big problem with you personally, or he's just trying to  
look out for his kid. But if he comes back to this establishment again, kindly  
tell him to get the hell out. I never liked that boy. The idea that  
he's breeding more of him is...chilling.

 **JESSE**

I'll say.

 _ **ON SATURDAY- IN STEPH'S ROOM**_

 **GIA**

So we're gonna do the project today, right?

 **THOMAS**

Why can't we just do it tomorrow?

 **GIA**

'Cause we still haven't done any research.

 **THOMAS**

So what? We'll just do a page each and put it together tomorrow.

 **STEPH**

Um, we have to have twenty pages of information.

 **THOMAS**

 _What?!_

 **STEPH**

Yeah, single spaced, front and back.

 **THOMAS**

That's not _fair!_ We only have two days to do it all!

 **STEPH**

Mrs. Montgomery gave us three weeks, but you guys kept procrastinating!

 **THOMAS**

 _We_ kept procrastinating? What about _you_?

 **STEPH**

Wha-

 **GIA**

Well, we better get to work!

 **THOMAS**

No way! I'm not in the mood to do twenty pages of work right now!

 **GIA**

You only have to do five.

 **THOMAS**

We can just ask for an extension.

 **GIA**

She won't let us! She said very specifically-

 **THOMAS**

Ugh. Girls.

 **GIA**

What do you mean, _girls_?

 **THOMAS**

Worrywarts, that's what I mean!

 **GIA**

Arthur, do you have any input in this situation?

 **ARTHUR**

Whatever.

 **GIA**

Oh my god.

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **The doorbell rings.**

 **Jesse runs and answers it.**

 **DANTE**

Jesse.

 **Jesse shuts the door and leaves.**

 **DANTE**

Hey- Jess! I could sue you for that too you know!

 **Jesse throws his hands up and opens the door again.**

 **DANTE**

Thank you.

 **JESSE**

What do you want Dante?

 **DANTE**

I just thought I'd give you another chance before I write a subpoena.

 **JESSE**

Huh?

 **Max runs in. (remember him?)**

 **JESSE**

Oh no. I've already said I will not make  
them apologize. Give it up, Dante.

 **DANTE**

Are you saying that you don't want this chance?

 **JESSE**

You can give me as many chances as you want, it won't change anything.

 **MAX**

Daddy, can I go play wif Nicky and Alex?

 **DANTE**

Play with them? But they're being mean to you.

 **MAX**

Why did you bring me here then?

 **Dante sighs.**

 **DANTE**

Alright, go ahead. But tell me if they do anything mean.

 **Max nods and runs upstairs.**

 **JESSE**

You know what I think Dante? I think this is about Jessica.  
She liked me in seventh grade and not you.  
And now you're trying to get back at me.

 **DANTE**

What? This has nothing to do with Jessica. And I was never jealous.

 **JESSE**

Oh come on. You _begged_ her to dump me.

 **DANTE**

I was young and in love. But this has nothing to do  
with that. This is about my son. And yours.

 **JESSE**

Well, what about Patricia?

 **DANTE**

What about her?

 **JESSE**

Doesn't she have anything to say about this? She can't  
possible think this is normal behavior for a grown man.

 **DANTE**

She doesn't mind.

 **JESSE**

Would you really spoil your family's name for something so silly?

 **DANTE**

I'd gladly spoil my name if it means that Max is safe.

 **JESSE**

Well, this has to be about something else. Did I do something else  
to you when we were kids to make you sue me twenty years later?

 **DANTE**

No.

 **JESSE**

Then what?

 **DANTE**

This is about our children and that's it!

 **JESSE**

Well fine. I don't care why you're doing this, but my kids are  
innocent. If anything, _I_ should be suing _you_! Max started this whole thing.

 **DANTE**

Fine! I will see you in the courtroom.

 **JESSE**

Fine!

 **DANTE**

Fine!

 **Dante leaves and slams the door shut.**

 **JESSE**

Hmph.

 **Dante runs back in after a moment.**

 **DANTE**

I need my kid.

 **JESSE**

Yeah I bet you do.

 **Dante gives him a look.**

 **They run upstairs to the attic.**

 **Max, Nicky, and Alex are sitting around playing with toy cars.**

 **MAX**

And dis one's called Danny.

 **ALEX**

That's our uncle's name!

 **MAX**

I know!

 **They giggle.**

 **DANTE**

What are you doing, Max?

 **MAX**

We're just playing.

 **NICKY**

Look what Max gave us Daddy!

 **He shows Jesse the cars.**

 **NICKY**

We're giving them names.

 **ALEX**

This one's Nipple McFumbleBee Sr. the Seventh.

 **They giggle again.**

 **DANTE**

You're giving them your best cars?

 **MAX**

You can just buy me new ones.

 **DANTE**

Yes. I certainly can.

 **JESSE**

Wait, so you're all friends now?

 **ALEX**

We were always friends Daddy!

 **MAX**

Best friends!

 **NICKY**

Forever!

 **Jesse gives** ** _Dante_** **a look this time.**

 **DANTE**

Wha- but- what about when they called you a necrophiliac, Max?

 **MAX**

A what?

 **JESSE**

What about when he called you aliens?

 **ALEX**

That's how we became friends.

 **NICKY**

Thanks for calling us a mean name Max!

 **ALEX**

Yeah.

 **MAX**

You're welcome!

 **Dante tries to say something, but doesn't find the words.**

 **DANTE**

Just- come on Max. We're going back to our huge mansion,  
and you can go swimming in our huge new pool.

 **MAX**

Aww, but I don't want-

 **DANTE**

Come on son.

 **JESSE**

Swimming? It's cold out!

 **DANTE**

It's _indoor._ And _heated_!

 **Dante pushes Max out.**

 **JESSE**

I hope you realize that you're turning your son into you!

 **DANTE**

 **(from outside)** I can't hear you!

 **JESSE**

Yeah, I bet you can't.

 _ **AT STEPHANIE'S SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY**_

 **TEACHER**

I already said no, Thomas.

 **THOMAS**

Come on! We didn't have any time to do the project!

 **TEACHER**

I gave you three weeks.

 **THOMAS**

But we didn't have _time_!

 **TEACHER**

Why not?

 **THOMAS**

Because...we- uh

 **TEACHER**

I said no extension.

 **THOMAS**

But we'll fail!

 **TEACHER**

Well, that's unfortunate.

 **Thomas groans.**

 **GIA**

I told you we should've started yesterday.

 **The teacher raises her eyebrows. #kidsthesedays (or, like, in 1996)**

 **THOMAS**

What do we do now?

 **STEPH**

Oh, relax. It's only 35% off our geography mark.

 **THOMAS**

But I'm already failing Geo!

 **STEPH**

Well. That's unfortunate.

 **Thomas gives her a dirty look.**

 **TEACHER**

If that's all, I have some marking to do.  
For those who met the due date.

 **STEPH**

Alright, wait. Here.

 **She pulls a package of papers from her bag.**

 **THOMAS**

What is that?

 **STEPH**

Our report.

 **THOMAS**

Huh?

 **TEACHER**

Thank you, Stephanie. Good to see at least someone  
is responsible. Tell me, did you do this all on your own?

 **Steph glances at her group and sighs.**

 **STEPH**

No. _Everyone_ helped.

 **TEACHER**

Really.

 **THOMAS**

Oh...yeah! Of course. I...completely forgot!  
We already...did the...thing.

 **The teacher shakes her head.**

 **The four leave her desk.**

 **GIA**

You _did_ the report?

 **STEPH**

Yes I did.

 **THOMAS**

Why? How?

 **STEPH**

Because you guys seemed to have no  
intention on doing it. So I did it myself.

 **GIA**

All twenty pages?

 **STEPH**

Single-spaced, front and back.

 **GIA**

Wow. Thanks Steph.

 **THOMAS**

Yeah, you saved our mark.

 **GIA**

I guess we should've done the work earlier.

 **STEPH**

It's okay.

 **GIA**

Alright, how about we go celebrate tonight at the  
movies for a team job well done. What do you say?

 **ARTHUR**

Whatever.

 **STEPH**

But...you guys didn't do anything.

 **GIA**

Uh...how 'bout I buy you an extra popcorn?

 **Stephanie sighs.**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Da bell rings 4 the fifth time.**

 **Jesse runs and opens it.**

 **JESSE**

What you want now?

 **DANTE**

Here you go.

 **He hands Jesse an envelope.**

 **JESSE**

Great, thanks. Bye.

 **DANTE**

Wait. Open it.

 **JESSE**

Why.

 **DANTE**

So I can see your reaction.

 **He sighs and opens the letter.**

 **JESSE**

A court request?

 **DANTE**

Mhm.

 **JESSE**

For _real_?

 **DANTE**

Have I said _anything_ in the past couple days that made you think otherwise?

 **JESSE**

But...our kids are friends now!

 **DANTE**

I don't care!

 **JESSE**

What do you mean, _you don't care_?! Isn't that the reason you're suing me?

 **DANTE**

It might happen again. And maybe Nicky and Alex are  
just pretending to be nice so that Max trusts them.

 **JESSE**

Have you lost your _mind_? They're five years old!

 **DANTE**

Well just because _you're_ a better father than me, doesn't mean-

 **JESSE**

What?!

 **DANTE**

What?

 **JESSE**

What do you mean I'm a better father than you?

 **DANTE**

Oh come on. Like you have no idea. You know everything about  
raising kids! You're super-dad! You were born to do this!  
And I just don't know what I'm doing.

 **JESSE**

Dante...parenting isn't a talent you're born with... You learn  
from experience. I just have a little more experience than you,  
because I helped raise my nieces.

 **DANTE**

Oh yeah. I heard about Pamela. I'm...sorry I guess.

 **JESSE**

Can you shut up and let me lecture you?

 **Dante shakes his head.**

 **DANTE**

I never had good parents. My mom never lived with  
us, and my dad was always working. Instead of spending time with  
me and Dmitri, he bought us stuff to make up for never being there.

 **JESSE**

Then why are you doing the same thing to Max?

 **DANTE**

When Patricia told me she was pregnant, I freaked out. I didn't  
think I could do it. I didn't think I could raise a child. I just want  
to do it right. I don't want to screw up Max's life  
because I don't know how to be a good dad.

 **JESSE**

You think _I_ wasn't scared? I had twins! That's twice the work;  
twice the worry. But I learned, and so will you. But you can't get all  
paranoid just because Max is having a little thing with his friends.  
Kids will have problems, but you _must_ realize that it  
rarely requires _suing_ anyone to solve them.

 **DANTE**

I just don't want him to get hurt.

 **JESSE**

I know you don't. But if it's any consolation, you seem to be  
trying much harder than your father did with you and  
Dmitri. And I guess you didn't turn out so bad.

 **DANTE**

Dmitri swears he's not getting married unless his wife is sterile.

 **JESSE**

Well...I never liked him anyway.

 **DANTE**

You never like _me_ either.

 **JESSE**

I still don't. But for Max's sake, I'm willing to offer you some fatherly advice.

 **DANTE**

Doesn't fatherly advice usually come from a father?

 **JESSE**

Well...it's like...father-to-father...like, you know...whatever.

 **DANTE**

Okay. Well, thanks. I guess.

 **JESSE**

No problem. Now get our of my house  
before I sue you for trespassing.

 **Becky suddenly runs in.**

 **BECKY**

Is this the guy who's suing us?

 **JESSE**

Um, yeah. I mean no. Not anymore.

 **BECKY**

Well, then it's too bad I learned kung-fu in two days!

 **DANTE**

Uh-

 **BECKY**

Hai-ya!

 **She karate-chops Dante in the arm.**

 **Dante gives her a weird look.**

 **DANTE**

Who's this?

 **JESSE**

My...wife.

 **DANTE**

Ah.

 **Becky tries karate-chopping him again. He just stares at her.**

 **BECKY**

Hm. The book said that the target should  
be doubled over in pain at this point.

 **JESSE**

Honey...it's over. He's not suing us anymore.

 **BECKY**

He's holding a subpoena!

 **JESSE**

Well...he's agreed to throw it in a fire. Right?

 **DANTE**

Uh, sure.

 **BECKY**

But his son called our family poor!

 **JESSE**

Oh, right. Dante, you might want to teach your son that  
not everyone without a heated indoor pool is _poor._

 **DANTE**

Okay...

 **BECKY**

So there's no problem anymore?

 **JESSE**

Nope.

 **BECKY**

Oh. Well, alright. I guess I'll go work on my juju.

 **JESSE**

Your what?

 **She leaves.**

 **Dante snickers.**

 **DANTE**

Your wife, eh?

 **JESSE**

Don't you dare. You know how many jabs I could take at Patricia  
right now? Tell me, does she still wear those fake black eyelashes?

 **Dante rolls his eyes.**

 **DANTE**

I guess I'll burn this envelope then.

 **JESSE**

Yes, Make sure to do that. And say hi to Patty for me.

 **Dante raises an eyebrow.**

 **JESSE**

Actually, never mind. Don't do that.

 **Dante shakes his head and leaves.**

 **Jesse shuts the door.**

 **JESSE**

Good riddance.

 **DANTE**

 **(from outside)** I heard that!

 **JESSE**

Yeah I bet you did, Dante! Bet you did.

 **-END TUNE-**

* * *

 **Question of the Week: Who was Stephanie's first "kiss"?**

 **(remember that je suis Illuminati) =D**


	16. Ep 16- The Last Stitch

**A/N: No excuses. But I do appreciate what Arrowheart 27 said in the reviews. It means a lot. So, last year's Question of the Week Winner was... iloveheartland! Good job. New one this week! (I hope you all haven't given up on this story just yet.) ;D**

 **Disclaimer: Ain't mine, son.**

 **~IlluminatiGirl**

 **Season Nine, Episode Sixteen**

 **The Last Stitch**

 _ **IN MICHELLE AND STEPHANIE'S ROOM**_

 **Stephanie and Gia are sitting on Stephanie's bed, conversing.**

 **STEPH**

Married?

 **GIA**

Married.

 **STEPH**

No way.

 **GIA**

Yup.

 **STEPH**

When?

 **GIA**

This Sunday.

 **STEPH**

You're kidding.

 **GIA**

I wish.

 **STEPH**

But...when did you find out? I mean, when did they decide?

 **GIA**

My mom's been pregnant for five months. I'm going  
to have a new brother or sister in...

 **Gia attempts to do simple addition.**

 **STEPH**

Four months.

 **GIA**

Right. They say they've been planning ever since,  
but I'm not buying it. One week, max.

 **STEPH**

Wow.

 **GIA**

At least it's not a big wedding, just a few "close friends".  
My dad wanted a big one. He loves attention.

 **STEPH**

Wow.

 **GIA**

You can start reacting any time now.

 **STEPH**

Uh... I'm sorry?

 **Gia sighs.**

 **GIA**

I just hate this. We have to do something.

 **STEPH**

Uh, we?

 **GIA**

We should show them they're not the  
boss of us. Our parents, I mean.

 **STEPH**

Us?

 **GIA**

We should run off. That'll show them.

 **STEPH**

What?

 **GIA**

Then maybe they'll realize that we can do fine on our own.

 **STEPH**

Wait, slow down. Why are you including me in this?  
And why would you run away from home?

 **GIA**

Maybe my mom won't marry my dad if I do.

 **STEPH**

But... that's mean! They'll be worried sick-

 **GIA**

My mom is the mean one, marrying my dad without asking my opinion.  
Or maybe my dad is the mean one, for abandoning us all those  
years ago. So you see, I'm simply retaliating.

 **STEPH**

I'm sure they don't mean to hurt your feelings.

 **GIA**

Please. They both know how much I hate my father. And he's  
not my biggest fan either. And now that they're having another baby,  
they'll just completely forget about me. What have I go to lose?

 **STEPH**

Only your whole life!

 **GIA**

You're so boring Stephanie. We can go on a ferry, all the way across the bay!  
We can go wherever we want! Where's your sense of adventure?

 **STEPH**

It was lost six years ago when I tried to run off to  
Mexico after demolishing the kitchen wall.

 **GIA**

You were seven. You were stupid. We're practically  
adults, and we can handle our own.

 **Stephanie sighs.**

 **GIA**

Can I trust you not to tell anyone?

 **STEPH**

Of course.

 **Gia pats Stephanie on the shoulder and leaves.**

 _ **IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Michelle and Becky are sitting on the couch.**

 **Michelle is holding a ball of yarn and knitting needles.**

 **BECKY**

Now Michelle, if you want to knit a scarf for your school's clothes drive,  
you have to know that knitting is no easy feat. It will take lost of hard  
work, sleepless nights, blood, sweat, and many tears-

 **MICHELLE**

I'm ready, Aunt Becky. Just tell me what to do.

 **BECKY**

Alright... Take your yarn and unravel it about two and a half feet.  
Take the left side and make a loop. Put the right side of the loop over the yarn  
and pull it. It makes a knot, see? Now slide your needle through.

 **MICHELLE**

This looks nothing like a scarf.

 **BECKY**

We've barely started.

 **MICHELLE**

What? I thought this would be easy!

 **Becky gives her a look.**

 **MICHELLE**

I'm going to watch TV.

 **BECKY**

What about the clothes drive?

 **MICHELLE**

What about it?

 **BECKY**

Well, someone's not gonna get a scarf.

 **MICHELLE**

They can buy one. It's only 3 bucks at Walmart.

 **Michelle trots up the stairs.**

 _ **IN DANNY'S ROOM**_

 **Danny is lying on the bed, dejected, and Joey is pacing around trying to think of jokes that are actually funny for once. i mean what**

 **JOEY**

Hey Danny, what happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

 **DANNY**

I dunno, Joey.

 **JOEY**

It gets toad away.

 **DANNY**

That's nice.

 **JOEY**

Oh come on. What about this: What did the  
duck say when he bought lipstick?

 **DANNY**

Why is a male duck buying lipstick?

 **JOEY**

To express his feminine side. Do you give up?

 **Danny sighs.**

 **JOEY**

"Put it on my bill." Get it?

 **DANNY**

Yes.

 **Joey sits down on the bed in defeat.**

 **JOEY**

What's with you today?

 **DANNY**

Nothing.

 **JOEY**

Is this because of Claire's wedding?

 **DANNY**

No.

 **JOEY**

Are you sure?

 **DANNY**

Yes.

 **JOEY**

So it is.

 **DANNY**

Huh?

 **JOEY**

I don't know, why don't you tell me?

 **DANNY**

What are you saying to me, Joey?

 **Joey gives him a pointed look.**

 **DANNY**

Look, I am perfectly fine with Claire marrying her ex. I mean, we  
weren't even officially broken up, but I couldn't care less!

 **JOEY**

Sure.

 **DANNY**

I thought they were done years ago! He left her with a baby!  
If someone had done that to me, I wouldn't marry them.

 **JOEY**

So it _is_ bothering you then.

 **DANNY**

No, but it should bother her! He's an irresponsible little twit,  
but _noooooo_ , if he pays the slightest bit of attention  
to her, she has to go running back...

 **Joey shakes his head and leaves to find a suitable companion, leaving Danny to complain to his over-dusted dresser.**

 _ **IN MICHELLE AND STEPHANIE'S ROOM**_

 **Stephanie is doing homework and Michelle is tossing a ball against the wall.**

 **STEPH**

Do you mind? I'm doing homework.

 **MICHELLE**

This is my room too.

 **STEPH**

I don't care, if you're going to make noise,  
move to Jupiter and get a room there!

 **MICHELLE**

Jeez, don't get your panties in a knot.

 **STEPH**

Sorry. I'm just stressed.

 **MICHELLE**

About what?

 **STEPH**

Nothing... important. She'll change her mind.

 **MICHELLE**

Who?

 **STEPH**

No one. Hey, how's that knitting project going?

 **MICHELLE**

I decided knitting's not for me.

 **STEPH**

And how did you come to that conclusion?

 **MICHELLE**

I got bored.

 **STEPH**

How far did you get?

 **MICHELLE**

With Aunt Becky's help, I successfully cast on a stitch.

 **Stephanie stares.**

 **STEPH**

That's it?

 **MICHELLE**

I told you knitting's not for me.

 **STEPH**

What about your clothes drive?

 **MICHELLE**

I won't donate. Scarves are 3 bucks at Walmart.

 **STEPH**

But Michelle-

 **Gia runs in, looking mad.**

 **STEPH**

When did you get here?

 **Gia holds out an envelope to Stephanie.**

 **GIA**

Read this!

 **Stephanie takes it wearily.**

 **STEPH**

You are cordially invited to the wedding of Jake and Claire Meyer, Sunday  
at 12:00- why are you giving me this? We already got our invitation.

 **GIA**

Jake and Claire Meyer!

 **STEPH**

Yes?

 **GIA**

She's changing her name!

 **STEPH**

Lots of women do.

 **GIA**

But she's Claire Mahan! She can't just do that. Does this mean I  
have to change my name as well? Because I won't. They'll  
have to kill me. Or at least bribe.

 **STEPH**

You're over-reacting.

 **GIA**

Am I?

 **STEPH**

Come on Gia, you're not being fair to your dad.  
He could turn out to be pretty cool-

 **GIA**

Don't act like you know my father, Stephanie. You don't.  
Maybe if you met him you'd understand.

 **STEPH**

I understand how you feel but-

 **GIA**

How could you? Has your mom ever married your dad?

 **Stephanie and Michelle stare at her.**

 **GIA**

Oh, never mind. Come over tomorrow after  
school and see for yourself.

 **She snatches the envelope and storms out.**

 **MICHELLE**

I'd pray for your soul, but I don't know if Jupiter has a God.

 **STEPH**

Shut up. And it's Zeus.

 **MICHELLE**

Bless you.

 **Stephanie shakes her head.**

 _ **THE NEXT DAY AFTER SCHOOL- GIA'S APARTMENT**_

 **Stephanie knocks and waits a few seconds before Gia opens the door and pulls her inside.**

 **GIA**

Steph! So _glad_ you could make it!

 **STEPH**

Yeah, I actually have a lot of homework, so if we could just-

 **GIA**

Come meet my father.

 **They go into the kitchen.**

 **Claire and Jake are sitting at the table, making plans for the wedding.**

 **JAKE**

Hey Lairey, do you think we should order barbecued  
chicken wings or just burgers?

 **CLAIRE**

For a wedding? Neither.

 **JAKE**

Hm. Right. Wings it is.

 **Gia clears her throat.**

 **CLAIRE**

Hey, Stephanie.

 **STEPH**

Hey.

 **GIA**

Jake, this is my best friend Stephanie. Stephanie, this is my dad.

 **STEPH**

Nice to meet you.

 **JAKE**

Gisa, you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend.

 **Gia scowls at him.**

 **STEPH**

Uh... so, you're getting married, huh?

 **JAKE**

Yup. Shoulda happened years ago. Glad  
Lairey here came to her senses.

 **STEPH**

...Lairey?

 **GIA**

 **(whispering)** That's what he calls my mom.  
It's apparently short for Claire.

 **STEPH**

Ah. Well, what are you going to name  
the baby? Have you decided yet?

 **JAKE**

I was thinkin' Jake Meyer Jr., but Gisa here doesn't agree.  
You wouldn't think she cared about her sister or brother at all, the way  
she acts around children. Just last week we were  
at the park and this kid tried to take an Oreo from-

 **GIA**

That kid had it coming. And I do care about my brother or sister.

 **JAKE**

Well when you have kids of your own then you can pick their names.  
For now you can stay away from the kid, like you want to.

 **GIA**

 **(muttering)** Guess it runs in the family.

 **JAKE**

What's that Gisa?

 **GIA**

Oh nothing.

 **STEPH**

Weren't we going to go work on that English assignment, Gia?

 **JAKE**

That's right Gisa, go lock yourself in your room like you've been doing all week.  
Make out with your girlfriend a bit. Just stay out  
of our hair, so we can plan the wedding.

 **GIA**

Don't worry, I won't bother you.

 **Gia grabs Stephanie and drags her to her room.**

 **GIA**

Well? What do you think?

 **STEPH**

Personally, I'd say it went fairly well. No bottles  
thrown, no windows shattered-

 **GIA**

He calls me Gisa! And not because he doesn't know  
my name. He likes to annoy me.

 **STEPH**

He's only teasing.

 **GIA**

He called you my girlfriend!

 **STEPH**

Teasing. Pretty sure.

 **GIA**

He didn't even listen to my mom's opinion about the food!

 **STEPH**

Well, everyone likes BBQ wings...

 **GIA**

Why are you taking his side?

 **STEPH**

I'm not, I'm just saying-

 **GIA**

He called me a bastard when I accidentally dropped his $300  
watch in the toilet! But, oh, I'm sure he was just teasing.

 **STEPH**

Accidentally?

 **GIA**

Steph!

 **STEPH**

Okay, okay, maybe that was rude, but-

 **GIA**

Do you see why I have to run away?

 **STEPH**

Well... you're not going to solve anything by running away.

 **GIA**

Nothing good is going to come from staying,  
so what's the difference what I do?

 **STEPH**

Bu-

 **GIA**

And they would rather I left anyway, so they can start a  
new life as well. With Jake Meyer Jr.

 **STEPH**

That's not what-

 **GIA**

Can we stop talking about this now? It's settled.

 **STEPH**

I am not running away with you! I like my life just fine here!

 **GIA**

How can you say that when you live with that thing Michelle?

 **STEPH**

I love Michelle!

 **GIA**

Are you going crazy?

 **STEPH**

I think _you're_ going crazy!

 **GIA**

You're so selfish Stephanie!

 **STEPH**

I am not selfish just because I'm not ready to throw away my life to keep  
you company on a stupid attempt to spite your parents!

 **GIA**

Ugh! Staying where I don't belong is stupid.

 **STEPH**

You do belong here! It's your dad that's intruding.

 **GIA**

That's not what my mother thinks.

 **STEPH**

Well that's for you and your mother to work out. Leave me out of it.

 **GIA**

Thanks a lot! You don't want to bother with my problems, do you?  
It's just a waste of your time, which you'd rather be  
spending at home with your perfect family.

 **STEPH**

No-

 **GIA**

You're just a wimp. You're too scared to do anything.

 **STEPH**

I am not!

 **GIA**

Then come with me! Prove me wrong!

 **Stephanie stares at her.**

 **STEPH**

I won't. Go by yourself. You'll be sobbing  
on the street in two days.

 **She runs out before Gia can reply.**

 **JAKE**

What happened, did y'all break up?

 **Stephanie leaves and slams the door.**

 ** _IN THE KITCHEN_**

 **Danny is at the table, eating cake like the fat little boy he is.**

 **Becky runs in.**

 **BECKY**

Danny, I need your help with something.

 **DANNY**

Not in the mood right now.

 **BECKY**

It's something small.

 **DANNY**

What?

 **BECKY**

Michelle doesn't want to donate anything for her school's clothes drive.

 **Danny looks up and drops his fork.**

 **DANNY**

That's your idea of something small? My daughter is unaware of the  
social and economical sufferings of less fortunate individuals who are forced  
to live in harsh conditions, under the control of a less-than-stable government, and in the  
midst of harmful status-related discrimination on an emotional level! That's horrible!

 **BECKY**

Well, when you put it that way...

 **DANNY**

But... I'm really not in the mood right now.

 **Becky sits in a chair next to him.**

 **BECKY**

Is this about Claire?

 **DANNY**

Why does everyone think that?

 **BECKY**

Is it?

 **DANNY**

She can't marry that man, Becky. He's not good enough for her.

 **BECKY**

That's not for you to decide.

 **Danny sighs, and picks at his cake again.**

 _ **IN THE BASEMENT**_

 **Jesse is pacing around the room and Joey is lying on the couch because he has no life of his own.**

 **JESSE**

Joey, give me some ideas, will you?

 **JOEY**

For what?

 **JESSE**

For wedding songs, man! Claire's hired me to play for her wedding,  
and I need something. She didn't give me any  
song suggestions. Just said, do whatever you want.

 **JOEY**

I don't know. I've never been married.

 **JESSE**

I wanted to do "Forever", but I thought that  
might be shameless advertising.

 **JOEY**

What's wrong with that?

 **JESSE**

Just say any song.

 **JOEY**

Baby Beluga.

 **Jesse gives him a look like "this is why you ain't married".**

 **JOEY**

In the deep blue sea?

 **JESSE**

Joseph.

 **JOEY**

But Jess, he swims so wild... he swims... so free...

 **JESSE**

Any song within reasonable limits for an adult wedding.

 **JOEY**

...the heavens above... the sea below...

 **JESSE**

"Forever" it is. Checkers?

 **JOEY**

You're on.

 **Jesse takes out a checkerboard.**

 **JOEY**

Jess, do you think Danny's a bit bummed  
about Claire getting married?

 **JESSE**

Yeah, he looked a little down. Kept stuffing cake into his mouth.

 **Jesse plays his checker piece.**

 **JOEY**

You should knock some sense into him. Find him  
another girlfriend. That should cheer him up.

 **Joey plays his checker piece.**

 **JESSE**

Nah, Danny's not that kind of guy. Besides, his  
love life is none of my business, or yours.

 **JOEY**

If you say so.

 **Jesse plays his checker piece**.

 **JESSE**

Although I did hear the maid of honour is a real beaut.

 **JOEY**

Hmm!

 **Joey plays.**

 **JESSE**

He'll get back to normal in no time. And if he  
doesn't, then we'll resort to fistfighting. King me.

 ** _IN THE LIVING ROOM_**

 **Danny is standing at the stairs wearing a tux and looking sour.**

 **DANNY**

I said let's go! How long will I have to stand here in  
my too-short pants and ridiculously tight tie?!

 **Jesse runs down fixing his coat sleeves.**

 **JESSE**

You know you could loosen it, right?

 **DANNY**

Do not insult me like that please.

 **Joey and Michelle join them.**

 **JOEY**

We're not even late. They said come 'around noon'.

 **MICHELLE**

It's only eleven.

 **The phone rings.**

 **DANNY**

My God! Everyone always calls right when  
we're about to leave the house!

 **He storms over to answer.**

 **DANNY**

What. ...Claire? What? Slow down!

 **Jesse and Joey glance at each other.**

 **DANNY**

What do you mean 'gone'?... Yes, I know what gone  
means... No- I haven't. Hang on. Stephanie!

 **STEPH**

Kinda busy right now!

 **DANNY**

Just get down here!

 **Stephanie hops down the stairs wearing one sock and an upside-down sweater.**

 **STEPH**

You hollered?

 **DANNY**

Do you know where Gia is?

 **STEPH**

Gia?... No.

 **DANNY**

Did she say if she was going anywhere?

 **STEPH**

No Dad, why?

 **DANNY**

Apparently, she's gone.

 **STEPH**

What?

 **DANNY**

 **(to Claire)** Okay, we're right on it.

 **He hangs up.**

 **STEPH**

What's going on?

 **DANNY**

Gia was supposed to be at the church an hour ago, and she's not there.  
Okay, Jesse and Joey, go check the malls, stores, everything.  
Steph, call your friends and see if they've heard from her.

 **JESSE**

Where are you going?

 **DANNY**

To the church. Claire needs moral support and I  
doubt her 'groom' is offering any. Let's move!

 **They all rush out and Stephanie is left behind. She sighs in frustration and runs out after them.**

 _ **AT THE FERRY DOCKS**_

 **Stephanie runs through the crowd, looking for Gia.**

 **STEPH**

Gia! Gia, where are you?!

 **More running.**

 **STEPH**

You are being stupid! This won't solve anything!

 **She gives up and goes up to a ticket booth.**

 **STEPH**

Excuse me, have you seen a girl; shoulder-length  
brown hair, green eyes, about my height?

 **MAN**

Nope.

 **STEPH**

Are you sure? Think hard.

 **MAN**

Okay... nope.

 **STEPH**

But she must've come through here! She must've bought a ticket.  
She said we'd go on a ferry and cross the bay...

 **She spots her.**

 **STEPH**

Gia! **(To the man)** Thanks, you were such  
a huge help. Gia, come back here!

 **Gia turns around.**

 **GIA**

There you are! I was starting to think you'd chickened out.

 **STEPH**

You never told me to come. And-

 **GIA**

Well you're here now. Where are your bags? Oh, are you doing  
this totally baggage-free? You know, nothing to hold  
you down? That's smart, I should've done that.

 **STEPH**

Gia, I'm not going anywhere! And neither are you.

 **GIA**

What are you talking about? I can do whatever-

 **STEPH**

You're being dumb!

 **GIA**

Okay fine, if you're not coming, leave me alone.

 **STEPH**

Both our families are looking for you. You won't get far.

 **GIA**

So? They don't know where- wait, you didn't  
tell them I'm going away, did you?!

 **STEPH**

No. I promised you I wouldn't.

 **GIA**

Well, good.

 **STEPH**

But I can't let you throw your life away.

 **GIA**

It's my life! What do you care?

 **STEPH**

Can't you see how stupid you're being?

 **GIA**

Leave me alone! I don't care what you say.

 **She tries to get past Stephanie but she stands firm.**

 **STEPH**

I'm sorry. I won't let you go.

 **Gia stands there for a second, looking furious, and then bursts into tears.**

 **Stephanie is shocked.**

 **STEPH**

Gia, what-

 **GIA**

You don't understand! No one understands! My mom  
doesn't care about me anymore! No one does!

 **STEPH**

I care about you! And I know your mom does too.

 **GIA**

Life was fine without him. He can't just come into the  
picture whenever he wants! I hate him!

 **STEPH**

Maybe you hate him now, but you can't give  
up on your family so quickly!

 **GIA**

What do you know? Your family is perfect.

 **STEPH**

That's not true-

 **GIA**

Oh right. Your baby sister is a retard, sorry.

 **STEPH**

Hey! Don't take your anger out on my sister.

 **GIA**

Just you wait. After a while, he'll get  
bored and leave again.

 **STEPH**

And maybe he won't.

 **GIA**

He's done it twice already. Claiming he wants to be a part of our lives, and  
then going grocery shopping a few days later, never to return.

 **STEPH**

But he's marrying her now.

 **GIA**

Please. He's had three wives before. A wedding ring doesn't  
mean anything to him. Neither does a kid. Not even two.

 **STEPH**

She's having twins?

 **GIA**

I'm talking about me! He didn't stay for me and he won't  
stay for him. Yes- it's a boy. Wow! Magic! Stay on topic.

 **STEPH**

I didn't say anything.

 **GIA**

Well, I don't need a dad. I don't need anyone. I can manage  
on my own, and I intend to prove it. So if you'll excuse me-

 **JOEY**

There!

 **Jesse and Joey run over to the girls.**

 **GIA**

Wonderful. And my ferry's probably gone too.

 **JESSE**

Ms. Mahan, you are coming home this instant!

 **GIA**

It's actually Ms. Meyer now.

 **JOEY**

What were you thinking, disappearing like  
that? What are you even doing here?

 **JESSE**

Your mom is worried sick! We all were! And all the wedding guests  
are waiting in the hot stuffy church, much like my wedding, but this time  
the groom's not hanging from a tree, but stealing chicken wings from  
the kitchen instead of looking for his daughter who's decided to-

 **JOEY**

Not helping.

 **JESSE**

Whatever. Get in the car.

 **Gia decides she's too surrounded and just follows them to Jesse's car.**

 _ **IN THE BACK ROOM OF THE CHURCH**_

 **Claire is pacing around the room and Jake is lying on the couch eating a drumstick.**

 **JAKE**

Shouldn't we get going? The guests will get bored.

 **CLAIRE**

How can you sit there when your daughter is missing?

 **JAKE**

Well I don't see why my leg muscles should get  
worn out just because your kid's gone wacko.

 **CLAIRE**

You're eating chicken!

 **JAKE**

Eating helps me cope with stress.

 **Claire sighs at her taste in men.**

 **Danny runs in, out of breath.**

 **DANNY**

Good...news...

 **CLAIRE**

What? Did you find her?

 **DANNY**

Jesse...Joey...ferry...yes...wow...I'm out of...shape...

 **CLAIRE**

Oh thank goodness!

 **She gives Danny a hug.**

 **Jake stares, not amused.**

 **JAKE**

So, can we get on with the wedding?

 **Claire puts her hand on her pregnant stomach.**

 **CLAIRE**

Oh, he kicked!

 **DANNY**

Really?

 **He feels too.**

 **JAKE**

Wedding please.

 **CLAIRE**

Don't you want to feel?

 **JAKE**

Not particularly. Shall we?

 **Claire sighs.**

 **CLAIRE**

Can I see my daughter first?

 **JAKE**

You'll see her later! Hey beanpole, you're a cop right?  
Put her in custody so she won't run off again!

 **They stare at him.**

 **DANNY**

Have you never seen Wake Up San Francisco?

 **JAKE**

I wake up at like 1 PM. Now can we hurry up? The priest  
will leave and we won't be able to get married.

 **DANNY**

Shame.

 **JAKE**

Huh?

 **DANNY**

Nothing.

 **JAKE**

Well, go tell the piano guy to crank it up.

 **DANNY**

What am I, your servant?

 **Jake has an internal struggle.**

 **JAKE**

P-plea...se.

 **Danny rolls his eyes and exits the room.**

 _ **AT THE ALTAR**_

 **PREIST**

Do you, Jake Meyer, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife,  
through sickness and health, for better or for-

 **JAKE**

Sure.

 **Jesse, Joey, Stephanie, and Gia sneak in at the back and go sit down next to Danny.**

 **PRIEST**

Uh... right. And do you, Claire Mahan, take this man to be your  
lawfully wedded husband, through sickness and health, for  
better or for worse, 'till death do you part?

 **Claire hesitates. Duh.**

 **Gia shakes her head trying to give her mother a mental signal.**

 **CLAIRE**

I...do.

 **GIA**

Dammit.

 **Jesse elbows her.**

 **JESSE**

 **(whispering)** You can't say that in a church.

 **PRIEST**

If anyone has any reason these two should not be  
wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.

 **Silence.**

 **Stephanie glances at Gia, expecting her to protest, but she stares ahead.**

 **PRIEST**

Wonderful. I pronounce you husband  
and wife. You may kiss the bride.

 **They kiss.**

 **DANNY**

Dammit.

 **Jesse gives him a look.**

 _ **AT THE RECEPTION**_

 **Claire runs over to the Tanner fam and Gia.**

 **CLAIRE**

Gia!

 **Hugs.**

 **CLAIRE**

You...you...are grounded.

 **GIA**

Sure.

 **More hugging. Danny is jealous.**

 **CLAIRE**

Don't go anywhere. I will deal with you later.

 **GIA**

Of course you will. Later. Sure.

 **JESSE**

Don't be so hard on her. She's a newlywed.

 **Gia rolls her eyes.**

 **Michelle points over to the other side of the street, where a homeless guy basks in the sunlight. Surprise, surprise! Remember the subplot?**

 **MICHELLE**

Hey Aunt Becky, who's that?

 **BECKY**

Oh, just some homeless guy.

 **MICHELLE**

Oh.

 **BECKY**

With no scarf.

 **STEPH**

Why would he need a scarf? It's like 70 degrees.

 **BECKY**

Hypothetically.

 **MICHELLE**

Are you still mad because I gave up on that clothes drive thing?

 **Nicky and Alex run over, covered in chocolate sauce.**

 **JESSE**

Uh, what the heck happened here?

 **ALEX**

Chocolate fountain.

 **NICKY**

They give out free sticks. Wanna have a swordfight?

 **ALEX**

There's a part that sprays it right in your mouth!

 **NICKY**

That only happened because the turny thingy came off.

 **ALEX**

Oh.

 **JESSE**

Oh God.

 **Jesse runs off to see what the hell happened and what he has to pay for this time.**

 **BECKY**

Michelle, I'm not mad. I just think-

 **MICHELLE**

Okay. Let's go talk to him. See what he has to say on this matter.

 **BECKY**

Uh, no, Michelle! You can't just-

 **MICHELLE**

Hey mister!

 **She runs over to the man and poor Becky runs after her.**

 **MICHELLE**

Excuse me, are you in desperate need of warm winter apparel?

 **BECKY**

You'll have to excuse her, she's doing a thing for school-

 **GUY**

Oh, it's no problem. What's your name?

 **MICHELLE**

I'm Michelle. Are you?

 **GUY**

Am I...

 **MICHELLE**

In desperate need of warm winter apparel.

 **GUY**

Oh. Not at the particular moment, no.

 **MICHELLE**

See Aunt Becky? He's fine.

 **GUY**

But if you have an extra buck or two, I'd be mighty grateful.

 **MICHELLE**

What? Why do you want our money?  
Get your own. Don't you have a job?

 **BECKY**

Michelle.

 **GUY**

Well, I did. I used to work at a grocery store, but...there was an incident  
with the band-aid aisle and a stray cigarette... I got fired. The wife kicked me  
out too, so here I am. Begging people for a spare dime. Pathetic, really.

 **MICHELLE**

So you don't even have a house?

 **GUY**

Well I thought I'd just camp out here until things got sorted out, with  
the wife... or... you know. It's quite cozy when it's not scorching hot.

 **MICHELLE**

You're right. That is pathetic.

 **BECKY**

Michelle!

 **GUY**

It's not a nice world we're living in, kid.

 **BECKY**

Well thank you, we'll be going now.

 **MICHELLE**

Wait. Here.

 **She takes out a five dollar bill and hands it to the man.**

 **MICHELLE**

Maybe you can buy a scarf for when it's  
cold. It's three bucks at Walmart.

 **GUY**

Well thank you little lady.

 **He smiles and she smiles back and Becky breathes a silent sigh of relief because no one got into a street fight.**

 _ **FAR, FAR, AWAY AT THE WEDDING RECEPTION**_

 **Gia and Stephanie sipping punch.**

 **STEPH**

So...you're okay right? We're okay?

 **Gia sighs.**

 **GIA**

Yeah. There's nothing I can do.

 **STEPH**

Talk to her. Tell her how you feel.

 **GIA**

Please Steph. You need to get out of that house.

 **Steph sips her punch.**

 **GIA**

And besides, she won't listen while he's still around. But he'll leave.  
I know it. Then maybe we can grab a violin and  
have a heart-to-heart.

 **STEPH**

You really think he'll leave?

 **GIA**

Five bucks he's gone by next Wednesday.

 **Stephanie gives her a look.**

 **GIA**

Okay, Monday. Deal?

 **STEPH**

You really want him gone.

 **Gia smiles.**

 _ **ONE WEEK LATER- IN THE LIVING ROOM**_

 **Michelle is sitting on the couch attempting to complete a very badly-knit rag that may or may not resemble some sort of scarf.**

 **BECKY**

No, I said the first loop.

 **MICHELLE**

That is the first loop.

 **BECKY**

That's not a loop. This.

 **MICHELLE**

Here?

 **BECKY**

Wrong row.

 **MICHELLE**

That's where you pointed.

 **BECKY**

No, I pointed here.

 **MICHELLE**

That's the same spot!

 **BECKY**

Just follow my finger!

 **Gia barges in.**

 **GIA**

STEPHANIE!

 **MICHELLE**

Oh barkeep, not another!

 **Gia notices her.**

 **GIA**

You're so weird.

 **Stephanie runs downstairs.**

 **STEPH**

Can I help you with something?

 **GIA**

You owe me five bucks.

 **STEPH**

What? I already paid for that green blouse I got lipstick on-

 **GIA**

Not for that. And you were still two bucks  
short, by the way. My dad- he's gone!

 **STEPH**

What? Oh, Gia I'm so sorry.

 **GIA**

Why are you sorry? Didn't you hear me? He left. Took all his stuff, plus about  
$200 from my mom, something about a dowry, and ran for it. It's just me and her again.  
Of course, she's crying her eyes out, like the last two times, but  
she has to learn someday. My dough, if you will.

 **STEPH**

You really don't mind at all?

 **GIA**

No. I just feel bad for my little brother, who is definitely _not_  
going to be named Jake Meyer Jr., but he's better  
off without a dad like that.

 **Gia holds out her hand and Stephanie sighs.**

 **MICHELLE**

Maybe instead of betting over your dysfunctional family, you could donate  
that money to charity so that people in need can get revenge on their wives  
and maybe replace the band-aids the accidentally burned down.

 **Gia and Stephanie look at each other.**

 **GIA**

Now imagine having a brother. Twice as weird.

 **MICHELLE**

Hmph.

 **Danny strolls in, eating cake. The dude is addicted.**

 **DANNY**

Oh, Gia. How's your mom?

 **GIA**

Good to see you too Mr. Tanner.

 **DANNY**

Right. Yes. So how is she?

 **GIA**

Crying. She's single again.

 **DANNY**

What? Really?

 **BECKY**

Danny, be sensitive.

 **DANNY**

What? Of course. Sensitive. Sensitivity is my  
middle name. Danny Sensitivity Tanner.

 **He grabs Michelle's half-scarf and wipes his face.**

 **MICHELLE**

Wha-

 **Danny flies out the front door to comfort his lost love.**

 **GIA**

I better follow him. Steph, I expect my money in gym tomorrow.

 **STEPH**

Yeah yeah.

 **They go their separate ways.**

 **Michelle holds up her dead scarf and watches the whole thing unravel.**

 **BECKY**

Well it wasn't that great anyway.

 **MICHELLE**

Thanks.

 **BECKY**

Starting again, I guess.

 **Michelle sighs.**

 **BECKY**

Okay. Take your yarn and make a loop around this invisible needle.  
Put the right side of the loop over the yarn- that's the left side.

 **MICHELLE**

Oh. Like this?

 **BECKY**

No, that's the left side.

 **MICHELLE**

There can't be two left sides!

 **BECKY**

Just do what I'm telling you. And you're holding it backwards  
anyway. Like this. No no, don't let go of that!

 **MICHELLE**

I can't hold three things.

 **BECKY**

Well, now you have to do it again. Take the  
loop and put it on the right side...

 **MICHELLE**

Can't I just give them my old shorts or something?

 **BECKY**

The. right. side. And hold on to the end. Good. Now take the  
needle and put it through the loop- no, the other loop!

 **MICHELLE**

There's only one loop!

 **They go on for hours. Only three out of four eyes were poked with a needle though, so I think we can call it a success.**

 **-END TUNE-**

* * *

 **Question of the Week: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (a rough estimate will do) :D**

 **Hope y'all liked it! I'll try to get my act together and update more often. ;D**


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